Lack of effort from mum

[Erin62]

Hi MN
I need some advice on my relationship with my mum. I’m finding it really hard to work out and understand.

I’m 32 and my mum left my Dad when I was 3 due to DV. I also have an older brother. She pretty much brought us up single which as an adult now I understand must have been hard. However, it always felt like we were more like sisters and I never had that mother role in my life. She kept me at arms length and she had many partners who were awful for her. I think she really suffered and disliked her life. I think she may have resented being a single parent. It all makes sense now looking back at how she would act. She would be amazing in some ways but then struggled in others. No one is perfect but I didn’t ever feel loved. I still don’t feel loved and since moving out 4 years ago, she’s kept me ever further at arms length. She isn’t the type of mum I can go out to lunch with, or pop round for a cup of tea. I can’t see her regularly without it feeling awkward and like I’m not wanted there. I don’t know if she’s depressed but she just seems the same as she always was, but worse. She doesn’t make an effort with my child, her grandchild. She sends cards at birthdays but isn’t interested in actually seeing me or grandchild. She has never told me she loves me or grandchild. Evening is so awkward and I just hate it. I’ve stopped making effort now because I get nothing back. Friends IRL tell me just to stop forcing a relationship. She lives with my older brother who has his own issues but she seems happy with that. She has her life and I have mine. We catch up occasionally if I call her. We live 20 mins away. Has anyone been through similar?

Hi @Erin62

Pop over to the Stately Homes Thread. Lovely bunch there who will give advice.
Take care x

Yes. You've just described my dm perfectly. It would never have occured to her to say anything nice or to 'get involved'.

You'll probably find her own childhood was the same, affection-less and cold, although delivering the basics of food and somewhere to sleep. I think it's why they require so little of their male relationships too.

I focus on having a loving and demonstrative relationship with my dc instead.

Yes my mum was exactly the same with me. Very affectionate with my siblings and their children but very distant with me and mine.
I think it was because I have always been quite independent and didn’t need her as much as my siblings always did.
I found it awkward being around her and always resented the fact that she was so loving towards her other grandchildren but not to mine. Another sticking point for me was that her dog bit my son when he was two years old, then went on to bite two more of her grandchildren but she refused to have the dog rehomed or even trained. She even once admitted to me that she didn’t think she could love her grandchildren as much as she loved her dog.
Sadly she passed away a few years ago. She had a short illness and we managed to have a heart to heart whilst she was on her deathbed. She even begged me to convince my siblings not to let the doctors resuscitate her saying that she knew I would understand more than them as I was the most like her.
I’m glad we cleared the air but will always feel sad that my children didn’t have that same closeness with her that their cousins did.

I can’t offer much in the way of advice but I do sympathise with your situation. Only you can decide if you want to make more of an effort and try and get her more involved with your children.
The one thing that I have taken from my situation is that I know I will never be the same with my children and I’m very affectionate towards them and will hopefully be with any grandchildren I may have in the future too!