In a cold war with MIL wwyd?

[zerodontequal1]

I’ve been married for 10 years and it’s just dawned on me that I’m in a Cold War with my in laws.

My first major clash with my in laws was around our wedding, I was a broke grad student and so my husband had to pay the lions share of cost. He didn’t mind - but we both expected his family to help ( in our culture the grooms family foot the bill of the wedding). Except, they didn’t pay a cent. The cost was eventually split between my family and my husband (individually).
Throughout the process my in laws were pushing for a lavish wedding so all their friends could attend, while not contributing a cent. Then in terms of gifts, we got some knock off market perfumes, and hand me downs form MIL, that were not my size and not regifting worthy.

At the time my family advised me to not start my marriage with a conflict and to assume the best of my ILs. And this is how I’ve managed to remain cordial despite my in laws various micro and macro aggressions. Except now some of my old feelings towards them have resurfaced. My BIL is getting married and my MIL is sparing no cost. I can’t help but compare the difference in treatment.

I’ve raised the issue with my husband and he accepts their attitude towards me is detached and unwelcoming. But he says he doesn’t want to turn it into a big deal.
But I feel disrespected and hurt.

For 10 years I’ve sought to explain away their crappy behaviour toward me. It’s hard now to realise it wasn’t all by accident - it was by design. I feel like I can’t go back to being cordial and ‘pleasant’. I feel pissed off.

Wwyd?

Do they by any chance prefer BIL to your DH? Your DH sounds as if he has been trained by them not to complain.

Either way, the only way to win this game is not to play it. Leave contact with the ILs entirely up to your DH, right down to sending cards and picking Christmas presents.

First post nails it.

Yeh there’s normally a theme to this where they prefer their sons over their daughters, or vice versa. Weird to like one dil and not another with no good reason. Are there any grandkids?

hmm MIL runs a lot of family decisions by DH, she leans on him financially, and to help co parent his younger siblings (when they were all younger - their dad was away for work a lot). But I don’t feel that she’s particularly relaxed and warm towards him. So I don’t know he’s sort of the favourite but also not really.

There are other grandkids. She’s not keen on my 2. She watches her two daughters children all the time. We asked her to baby sit once (mind you baby was already asleep so it was just to keep an eye) and she kicked up such a fuss we never felt comfortable to ask again.

I have started to disassociate from BILs/SIL but was still visiting MIL. I felt obliged to keep up appearances with her. But I think you’re right. I need to give myself space from them.

Would it be weird to not go to the wedding? I was thinking to use the kids as an excuse to duck out from the reception. It’s probably too much excitement for the youngest.

I think you also don’t want to wind them up/ give them an excuse to not like you. I’d go to the wedding and leave asap - nicely. Explain the kids are tired.
My birth family do not rate me - long story - but it’s easier to just ignore/ rise above this and not give fuel to their stupid fire.

Concentrate on the family you are creating with your DH. One family is the past and the other the present/ future.

I'd go to the wedding as weddings are kind of up there with Christmas.

After that I'd be doing a slow fade of MIL and definitely not visiting on your own.

Obvs if BIL and SIL are nice people despite MIL's wedding behaviour, you can have a relationship with them without her having to facilitate it.

Go to the wedding. Leave early if you want using the children as a reason. If you like your bil and his wife stay on good terms. Tolerate your mil by seeing as little as possible of her Enjoy your life and your own family.

Hello, sorry you are going through this!!

Is there any way that the in laws were struggling financially at the time of your wedding?? 10 years is quite a long time to get their finance's in order.

If not, with everything said, I'd break away slowly!!

Good luck x

Could it possibly be that they weren't in support of him marrying you? Saying this because you mentioned "in your culture", which tells me it's likely interracial marriage. Regardless, like others have said, just stay in your lane and dont add fuel to the fire. I'll also say go to the wedding, as not going would only stir up more beef.

It sounds similar to my own family dynamic. I've never had any financial help from my parents, including paying for my own wedding, while both my siblings had lavish affairs (paid for by our parents) and have had loads of help with childcare, holidays paid for them etc. I've had none. I'm just not the favourite - or, possibly, just the one they view as needing the least help. It's quite hurtful but the dynamic is between me and my parents, not between my (ex)husband and my parents (they always liked him). I am family-orientated and even though they've not been great parents, they're the only ones I've got, so I never tell them what I really think and just keep smiling and pretending everything is fine, but you're under no such obligation. That said, it's easier to keep the peace. But no need to go out of your way to be besties with them.

I had something similar in that my in laws pushed for additional guests and had specific requirements of rituals etc at the wedding. They were generally very anti-me, for quite pathetic reasons which boiled down to control and insecurity.

i am now in my 40’s and have children going into year 1 and year 8 and here’s what I’ve learned;

1. the in laws are old, in fact one died and even though I don’t like them, it is important that my husband does what he needs to, to feel like a good human and son. To him, he knows that he was raised with love and some strange shit regarding old school thinking and control, but neither he nor I want him to live with regret for being a bad son in their old age.
2. i just distance myself and I am cordial.
3. I have no expectations of them at all. They have had no role in the upbringing of my kids, and I know that they do in their daughter’s kids lives, but whatever.
4. in my 40’s, my body is so much more sensitive and reactive to stress. There are very physical ramifications. Is it worth it over in law rubbish? NO.
5. there are better things to spend energy on; creating progress, growth, moments of joy.

It sounds like either they didn't approve of your marriage, or that they have allocated your DH as someone who helps them and not the other way round. I agree with all the other posters saying go to the wedding and leave as early as you can politely. Also, your DH will probably be feeling the hurt and confusion with this too, even if he buries it down deep. All you can really do is limit contact with in laws as much as you can and make your family unit a safe place full of love and support

From my own experience I would say. Separate yourself from the toxic situation. Let your husband take the shit of his own family. Sit him down and explain how you feel , he needs to understand and man up about it. My in-laws live in another continent thanks god. So what I do is send my kid and him there for 2 weeks every year. I see them.. as their family.. not mine. My family is drama free all happy no issues and my husband loves my mum .Also I don't know why mothers of sons are always 3 times more difficult with their boy. You will never be enough for him specially if from another culture. I don't take BS anymore , after 10 yr of marriage , I decided to live my life happy, that life doesn't include them. Go to the wedding and then disappear.... in a moment in life they will surely need You ....that's when the karma attacks. Also, pay for your childcare, your kid don't need that toxic behaviour around either. We ve no family in UK and we pay for everything, you don't own favours to absolutely anyone.

I’m guessing Arab culture if the groom pays?

Do they have some issues with your background for any? My friend put up with this nonsense from her MIL for far too long because she was “the wrong kind of Arab” according to her in-laws. She’s moved away with her DH and children and is much happier without their outdated nonsense of suitable brides.

I’m sorry your MIL’s applied such a double standard here, OP.

Step away.
Make no further effort.
Your husband has allowed this and you went ahead with the wedding.
Drop the rope completely with her and have no further involvement.
Are you happily married?
Hard to believe you are when he is so weak and allows you to be disrespected.
Definitely use your child to leave the wedding as early as you can.

I would not be happy to be funding a MIL in these circumstances.
Do you work?
If not, then think about returning to it.

Well, my mam treats my brother different to me and seems to do more with him/for him but he is extremely needy and very much needs that sort of care. My bf used to get jealous on my behalf but I always shot it down because I'm not jealous. Whilst I appreciate it does appear he is more the "favourite" this is most def not the case, like I said he's needy, he fully admits this himself, he just can't help it 🤣

Me and my mam have a very close relationship and we do frequently spend time together. Me and my brother are also very close, he just doesn't tend to "burden" me with his problems. (I don't find them a burden and am happy to help)

I feel that maybe your not appreciating the full picture, maybe it looks like he's the favourite but for similar reasons to my brother? I also don't think it's appropriate to be jealous on behalf of someone else. If your husband is not jealous I would leave it alone, it's his "problem" and if he doesn't feel it's a problem it shouldn't be a problem for you!

In relation to the way your in-laws treat you, I had the same problem, I've been with my bf 20years and it's only in the last 5 or 6 years they have made an effort to be nice to me. This is because my bf put his foot down in the end. His family started to realise that he wasn't going to put up with their behaviour or their treatment of me. Now they are nice to me and honestly it doesn't even seem forced 🤣 Your situation won't change on that front till your husband does something about it.

Footnote I got very unwell and didn't have the energy to care about his family or what they were fighting with me for. (my bf previously asked me to jump threw loads of hoops to keep the peace)
So he stopped taking their drama home to me, and made it clear if they didn't want us in their lives they didn't have to have us, also one if our sons said a few unsavoury statements which I think made it hit home for them 🤣

fair question - but no I don’t think they were struggling. There were several adult children with work at the time, as well as my FIL who was working at the time.

Also is the fact they didn’t even get a normal nice gift. They didn’t have to gift something that would break the bank. I think it was a choice thing sadly.

I think there could be an element of this. But it’s so unfortunate because how can parents not see their child needs help? Especially on moments like weddings? It’s so bizarre. Especially when you factor in the cultural norms.

My husband has a similar mindset to how you’ve described your attitude toward your parents - he loves them regardless and just wants to keep the peace. His zen/stoic thing annoys me somewhat but I understand.

You are so right. Dh tries to play it off but I can tell he feels hurt and confused by their behaviour. I think I have to talk with him about setting better boundaries with them. They do like to lean on him not only financially but also emotionally - yet never return the favour. It’s very unfortunate because he really takes on a paternal role and tries to help everyone as much as possible.

As you’ve said I’m going to continue focusing on our family unit. Thank you for your kind advice.

Thank you, yes we are both from an Arab adjacent culture. Same ethnicity.Funnily the girl BIL is marrying is from the same community/region as my family. So I don’t even think it’s about disliking my background or region. They either dislike me - as a person; or they don’t think dh is someone who doesn’t needs help.

Good on your friend for moving away. I can’t move away now, but I’ve been slowly uncoupling from them.

Tbf to my partner I don’t think it’s a weakness or about ‘allowing’ me to be disrespected. I think he has been brainwashed raised to believe he is a replacement dad/husband; but with all of the challenges and none of the rewards of being an actual dad/husband. He has never questioned this dynamic -until now. As someone else mentioned above - this experience has been quite difficult for him too and I think he has a lot to process.

yes working - that’s important too.