Struggling with all intimacy (17 months PP)

[eiy2028]

It is what the title says!

I also posted this in ‘Sex’ but I thought I might get more advice in here since this might not be just a sex problem. I’m 17 months post partum and I have little sex drive. We had a very active sex life right up until DD was born.

It’s very painful for me to have sex, but it’s not just about the pain, any other types of foreplay I struggle with too. It’s like I have a mental block, I struggle to even kiss passionately now. It’s like I’m really struggling with any form of intimacy and it breaks my heart for myself and my partner

as mentioned, I have a little sex drive still. It’s not that I don’t want it, I think about it but then when I think it might be on the cards I feel so uncomfortable and I have to stop

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me

any advice? Did this happen to anyone else?

Can I ask, are you breastfeeding? I'm 13 months PP and breastfeeding still and it definitely does dampen my sex drive. Not as badly as yours, but almost, even though my periods have been back for months so I am ovulating again. I find it helps if I get lots and lots of foreplay -- and i don't mean sexual foreplay, I mean more a little back massage from my partner, etc, and touch with no expectation of sex before we go there.

Also, it's not normal for sex to be painful, so of course you aren't going to want penetrative sex! I'd be seeing a GP about that ASAP and asking for a gynaecologist referral.

(I know you said it's any intimacy but your body is probably scared that any intimacy will lead to penetration. And then pain. So you're freezing up. You poor thing!)

Hi!

no I’m not, I haven’t since she was 8 weeks old as I couldn’t produce enough to satisfy her and then eventually she just refused the breast feed all together 😢

so it’s not that! I really have no idea why it’s happening. But maybe I will suggest those things as we haven’t done that, thanks a lot 😊

I will call a doctor tomorrow, thank you. I have put it off for a long time but you’re right. It’s odd as I had to have an elective c section because of health complications, so I have no birth trauma, physical or mental. There seems to be no real reason for this!

Even if not breastfeeding hormonal changes might have set something off. I've heard of something called vestibulodynia, subset of vulvodynia. Might be worrh looking into. Or alternatively could be something like vaginismus. All these things can cause painful penetration.

In the meantime I'd tell your partner you need time to mentally heal and work up to more intimacy so maybe do massages, cuddles, etc, maybe eventually working up to oral but only when you want to try. I'd definitely say penetrative sex is completely off the table until you have had medical advice etc because every time you have painful sex or try unsuccessfully you'll be teaching your body to fear the pain and therefore fear intimacy.