Am I close to “end of days” in my marriage?

[Corvinaa96]

Sorry ladies,

Y’all probably see a lot of this but if I don’t get it out, I think I might actually lose myself.

I have, on multiple occasions, mentioned to my husband that I am uncomfortable with him following provocative/OF accounts on social media. It makes me feel uncomfortable and kind of like I’m not really good enough. I have asked him the golden question of “why?” And got the answers, “it’s different”, “it’s new”, or my personal loathe, “I don’t know.” He’s promised each time to unfollow the accounts but he never does. OR if he does, not even one week later and those same accounts are back in the following list. For context, I have caught him emotionally cheating before with a woman in her early 20’s. So, a lot of this does make me question “am I not enough anymore?”

My husband doesn’t engage with me intimately but always says that I could show him I’d like to “have fun” as he says. I know, it makes me cringe too and I’ve asked him not to put it that way. I’m hyperactive for lack of better terms but I seem to be struggling to have that intimacy with my husband. I admit I get bored of the same old routine; I want something spontaneous, passionate, almost kind of like the world just doesn’t exist anymore in this very moment sort of thing. Most days I feel like the most undesirable woman in the world. For a good year or so he begged me to send him some spicy photos and it took me that long to regain some confidence and love within my body after having an emergency c-section. I wasn’t expecting him to have a cartoonish reaction by any means; but the lack of reaction really hurt and I feel so incredibly silly. Embarrassed really.

Things that used to be a constant like, calling me gorgeous, whistling when I’d dress up a little, the sheer cheekiness of affection, even good morning texts, just don’t seem to exist anymore. In many ways, I’m miserable. I kind of feel like a room mate or a house cat. It’s like he’s avoiding spending one-on-one time with me. When we do have one-on-one time together, I could be trying to talk to him but he just… doesn’t look up from his phone…

I’m stuck. I don’t want to waste my energies on trying to regain his gaze by any means. I just don’t really know what to make of this awkward situation. He can assure me that he finds me desirable but his actions aren’t really matching his words… I feel incredibly silly. For months I’ve been asking myself, am I not attractive to him anymore? What do those girls have that don’t? Why is he posted all over my socials with our child but I’m nowhere to be seen on his?

Any advice on what to do, I’d really appreciate it. I really don’t know how to approach this anymore. I’ve tried talking to him. I know this was a long one but I’m grasping at straws…

Thank you in advance xx

I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. It's clearly affecting you a lot. You are still trying to save your ma. Once a woman stops trying there is usually no way back. Does he understand? Would he agree to marriage counselling? Your marriage is in the name only, by the sound of it. He has checked out. I hardly ever say this but you deserve better. Time for serious talk in my opinion. I hope it helps

I agree with previous poster that it’s serious chat time.

I would say it is quite normal when in a long term relationships for the sex to not always be the extremely passionate “world doesn’t exist” affair that it is when you first start seeing someone, but there’s a huge difference between not having that and not having any physical relationship at all.

To get back to where you were it takes conscious time & effort from both sides and a genuine desire from both of you to do so, it doesn’t sound like he is inclined to put that effort in. I’m sorry OP.

He's being extremely disrespectful to you OP. Did this start when you got pregnant or had your ECS? How long have you been together? As a pp said, it's common for couples to get comfortable and drop the compliments etc over time, but following OF accounts and ignoring you for his phone is shitty behaviour. I agree you need a calm conversation and possibly couples counselling. Let him know the future of your relationship depends on it.

🌺 Response 1 🌺

Thank you my lovelies, I’ll try to put all responses here xx

Previously to getting together, we were best friends for 8 years. We’ve been together for four years and married for two as of last month.

The behaviour of following proactive/OF accounts started when I was about 8 months pregnant (mid 2021). The emotional cheating started, and lasted for one month, from Late March-April (2022). But my first Mother’s Day was absolutely ruined because that’s when I found out. He claims he was going to tell me before I found the messages. I don’t normally go through his phone, that particular early morning (2am), we’d both fallen asleep trying to get baby (8mths old at the time) down and I’d normally set his alarms for the next morning. Unfortunately curiosity got the best of me when that cursed message notification popped up, “daddy, have you fallen asleep without me? 🥺” After seeing what I saw, I took offence to the notion of being “too vanilla” because we had been quite expressive and open about things we wanted to try together. I’ve found myself spiraling because I found a vast amount of OF accounts on his instagram and TikTok (on both his personal and business accounts for each) of all the same OF girls literally within the last week and didn’t really know how to go about it.

Funnily enough, he promised he’d go to personal counselling regarding 🌽 addiction and couples counselling when I discovered the cheating. I didn’t mind just normal 🌽 because it felt less personal, if that makes sense? But whenever my counsellor expresses wanting to have a session with both of us or even when I find a completely independent couples Counsellor he’s suddenly busy and turns his nose up at it.

I will try to have another conversation about this with him. I’ll have a think about how to approach this conversation but I do agree, it’s something that needs to be discussed maturely. I’m worried because I always get one of these three responses or all of them: 1. “It’s educational. I’m mostly looking for something new for us to try.” 2. “Why do bees go to honey?”. 3. “They predate you.” (All of these accounts he follows, they don’t). But it always turns into an argument…

You’re right, it has been quite significant in the way it’s affected me and my struggling mental health. Particularly with still feeling like my body is quite foreign to me. I always thought maybe I was being controlling, jealous, or tried to convince myself that it was just guy things. The way I teared up when I read, “you deserve better”, thank you. I’ve been on the steep mountain of blaming myself for quite some time and honestly the support you have all given me has reshaped how I feel about this situation.

I’ll put an update on this thread to let you know what’s been said after our chat. I’m sorry if it takes a hot minute. I struggle to find my words sometimes. Thank you all so much, truly, this means a lot to me xx

Hi there, I read the update and I haven't changed my opinion that you need to grab the bull by the horns regarding a frank conversation with your husband if you are to have any hope of finding peace of mind. I am also wondering how much of your self esteem is tied up with your body image? You are clearly struggling with your body acceptance after your CS. Have you thought about counselling for yourself to come to terms with it? I am a labour ward midwife, I have never met a woman with an emergency CS on her birth plan. Most emergency CS are a straw of luck in my opinion, a baby in a silly position. They are done to safely deliver the baby. However women do beat themselves up for this. Yet it seems to me your CS scar is affecting your self worth. It might be a good idea yo explore it with a counsellor. This in turn might lead to other areas to explore. Ultimately the only person we can change is ourselves. When we change our environment changes. I hope it helps

🌺 Response for K & Update 1 🌺
❗️Body Dysmorphia, Eating Disorders, Long term abuse ❗️

Hey Kosenrufugirl,
I definitely struggle with my body image. I’ve struggled a lot with BD and ED since my late teens and found that it’s significantly increased since my ECS. Baby was going into distress, I think her cord was being pinched at the time. I see my Counsellor regularly to get down to healing complex trauma from long term childhood - adulthood abuse and other mental health stuff. It never occurred to me to talk about my BD, but you make a very good point. I will mention it with my Counsellor at my next appointment as it’s what mostly been biting at me aside from the marital issues. Thank you for your guidance and advice 💕

🌺 The Update 🌺

We had a very awkward conversation. It wasn’t a very long conversation; I had to shut it down because it was starting to turn into an argument. But I opened it with, “Hey Bub can I talk to you for a minute? I just wanted to talk to you about a few things that have been bothering me as of late. The first thing is, I feel quite uncomfortable with your social media following list. I heavily compare myself to these women and often wonder whether I’m enough. Please understand, I’m not having a go at you, all I want to do is express how it makes me feel. It’s just hard not to compare the lack of what I offer in terms of sexiness and bodily assets. I know you’ve mentioned in a place of anger that I’ve “let myself go.” Do you still feel this way?”

His response was, “what’s brought this about? I keep telling you to stop comparing yourself to these women. You’re not a 🌽⭐️, you’re not an OF girl, you’re my wife. I just want to see something different, exciting, and new. It’s not a crime to look at the menu babe.” I said to him, “I’m not saying it’s a crime, I’m just saying that I feel like I’m not enough.” He then said, “that’s just stupid. I married you didn’t I? Why would you feel that you’re not enough?” Recognising this conversation was already starting to get a bit aggressive I retreated with, “okay, sorry, if this is going to upset you and turn into another argument… let’s just put a pin in it for now.” Whether it was out of anger or spur of the moment frustration, I don’t really know, but he kind of gave a snark comment, “I look at the menu, I don’t go out of my way to personally message or engage. That’s a really stupid and pathetic thing to talk to me about. It’s not my fault you’ve grown lazy and let yourself go.”

I recognise that, that isn’t how people should be spoken to and I’m not defending his remarks even if it was out of anger. I have a lot to talk about with my Counsellor. I had to leave the conversation, not because of fear, I just h8 that I cry when I’m angry and I definitely didn’t want to say something I can’t take back because I couldn’t handle my temper.

I can try having this conversation with him again but I think moving forward it would be best in front of a mediator so both sides can calmly be communicated.

Before we left to have dinner with his parents, I told him my ideas of wishing to visit couples counselling. He’s asked for a few days to think about it.

I feel angry for you! What a nasty piece of work he is ! Forget the counselling, save your money and get some good advice from a lawyer.This ass of a man is never going to change and his conscience is not bothered one bit by how you feel,he will continue bringing you down and making you feel worthless.Don't let that happen ,you seem like a lovely young mum ,he does not deserve you.

The only definite way to find out why you had an emergency Caesarean is to book a debrief appointment with a Consultant obstetrician or Consultant midwife. The hospital keeps the labour records for 25 years, it's a legal requirement. Some women find it helpful to go through their labour records line by line, some not. I have seen a few sections done for fetal distress and the cord was wrapped twice round the baby's neck- it's rare but also a possibility. The main point the Caesarean was done to safely deliver your baby, for no other reason. However as we age, our bodies change, it's inevitable. Tying our self worth with our bodies is counterproductive in the long run. Please explore it with your counsellor.

I am finding your husband is being very evasive and clearly doesn't want to let go of the ego boost he gets from his activities. I think you are correct in thinking your next discussion should happen in the presence of a qualified mediator. Please keep us posted

🌺 Response 🌺

Thank you so much. I’ll have a look at that for sure. I didn’t know I could. Truly, I really appreciate your advice. This has really helped me a lot ❤️

I will definitely keep you posted xx

thank you so much 💕

I’m sorry your H is a twat OP.

I could never come back from that comment. And I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who spends hours on OF etc.

I would start getting organised to divorce the fucker.

Don’t try and talk to him about it again. By telling him your insecurities you give this abusive man more ammunition to hurt you.

I hope the next serious chat you have is where you present him with divorce papers and tell him how it is going to be.

💐

“that’s just stupid. I married you didn’t I? Why would you feel that you’re not enough?”
“I look at the menu, I don’t go out of my way to personally message or engage. That’s a really stupid and pathetic thing to talk to me about. It’s not my fault you’ve grown lazy and let yourself go.”

There it is, clear as the light of day, the reason why you're worried that you're not enough. He's gaslighting you by telling you that your concerns are stupid, and pathetic, and then accusing you that it's your fault he "has to" follow sexualised accounts because you've "grown lazy" and "let yourself go". By which I should strongly imagine he means that he expected you to maintain the body of an 18 year old woman who has never had a child.

Men who think that their wife is enough for them don't make comments like that. They don't follow sexualised accounts. They don't need to "look at the menu" (what a fucking disgusting phrase by the way).

It's not you. It's him.

Women are not a menu. You have married a sexist.

Ugh he’s awful. Please don’t bend over backwards tying yourself into pretzel knots trying to placate this idiot. The whole tone of your conversation with him sounds timid and like you’re sorry for existing. He should be worshipping the woman who brought his child into the world, not berating you for changing physically in the process. Honestly this does not sound like a good man. You do deserve better. Couples counselling with him would be a massive waste of time and money. Put that money towards a new home for you and your precious DC, and when you feel more like it there will be other men who will love you and fancy you whatever changes your body has gone through because they’re not porn addled twats.

When a man marries a woman she has a right to expect he stops "looking at the menu ". You need to ask yourself what is he getting out of this marriage? The respectability that comes with being a married man? Access to his child 24/7? ( no split custody). Whatever it is it's not his tender feelings for you. I am concerned you ended up marrying an abuser. It takes many women a long time to recognise the abuse. I agree with other posters, your husband is gas sliding and emotionally abusing you. Please speak to your counsellor and also contact Women's Aid. Please keep us posted

I don't think you tackled this particularly assertively, OP. You basically said he hasn't overstepped the mark other than upsetting your feelings. It was really easy for him to imply he has no control over your feelings and that one is on you.

It's ok that this is a hard 'no.' This behaviour would be a hard no for most women. Plus, his choice of language really does display how he sees women more generally

Work with a therapist to understand your boundaries and why you have issues communicating those.