Anxiety in Relationship

[BristolZoo]

I'm 18 months out of a 15 year marriage. By the end of the marriage, I was in a bad way. Exhausted from spending years trying to support someone with poor mental and physical health.
My husband treated me poorly, with very little respect and this has had an impact on my self-esteem.

I'm now a few months into a new relationship. I like the new man, but we are taking things slowly and are seeing how things are go.

I have quite bad anxiety over the new relationship. I'm worried about every text, over analysing our meet ups and an constantly thinking that he will mess me around or hurt me. I've always been an overthinker but now I seem to be an anxious mess.
The new guy seems very secure in himself and is open for talking things though. When we are together, I can tell that he likes me and I feel better. However, he is very laid back and happy to "go with the flow". But I just can't. I need certainty, at a stage when I'm can't get much. It's an early relationship, nobody knows where it will go. I know this in my head, but the fear that he will dump me is driving me mad.

If i stick with this realationshiolp, my anxiety will be difficult to manage. However, If I end things, will I just end up with the same feelings and insecurities in my next relationship?

Gently, it sounds like perhaps you are not ready for this relationship yet. Maybe you need to have more time being single and work on self validation and your anxiety issues around relationships.

Yes, I mean it's gotten to the point that, before a date, I'll be anxious that he will cancel. Even though he has never cancelled!
I don't think that's normal, is it?
How do you get to be someone who doesnt spend their time worrying about this shit?

I honestly think you’re not ready to date yet OP. You need to spend some time focusing on yourself, some therapy, and then think about dating.

Not only does it do your mental health no good to continue like this but it is also no way to build a healthy new relationship. Take a break and focus on you x

You will probably end up self sabotaging and finishing with him to force a conclusion or behaving in such a way that he can't tolerate it any more and ends things. You might he heartbroken but at least you'd know how things stand, which your anxiety can tolerate. I've been there done that loads of times and it's no way to live. Take some time out to heal.

Not dating for a year was the best thing that I've ever done. It made me realise that I was good by myself and didn't need to rely on anyone else. I think you should try it.

The only suggestions I have are to have therapy and find strategies to deal with your anxiety such as journalling.

The thing is, I did stay single for over a year. I didn't date for 9 months after my separation. I've also had therapy, started exercising, see friends and family a lot etc. I have a great life.
The guy I'm seeing is great, but very laid back, but if I express that I need something then he usually steps up and tries to meet my needs.

I feel as if I'm being unreasonable, not him. He's away for a long weekend in the sun with his kids. I know that I'll hear very little from him, I'd expect that. But it also leave me feeling anxious and worried.
If I just end things now, I'll never learn how to be in a relationship.
I feel like I need to fix myself. I need to learn to overcome my anxiety, while in a relationship, so that I'm not afraid of it ending etc.

You need to work on that anxiety before you are in a relationship OP. It’s not fair on either of you to continue as you are.

I do worry that I'll behave so badly that he'll get fed up of me.
He hasn't so far, an I think I've been pretty high maintenance. Which is not who I want to be!

I read these books when in my dating era, I was very similar to you. The second ones title is shite but I found it quite respectful to women too. I also don’t know why the screenshot is so dark! They helped

I think you really need to listen to what people are telling you.
Your healing process can't be expressed in months or years. Progress isn't linear. Some people need a year, others need 2 or 3.
The point is that everything about you is screaming that you're not done healing. You've been going to therapy, good. Keep going, talk this through with your therapist. Maybe you'll need another year of therapy, maybe more.

You don't need to be in the middle of a relationship to learn how to be in one. Have you heard of the Window of Tolerance? It basically means that your capacity to learn, grow, overcome your fears etc. is only reachable within your window of tolerance, which is when your emotions are calm and manageable, when you're susceptible to reason.
As soon as you're finding yourself anxious or fearful all the time, you're using up all your energy just to survive. You're not learning anything, you're incapable of reaching new insights or creating positive and durable change.

So please let go of this notion that you need to stay in a relationship to learn from it. You most likely won't. Your biggest progress will be reached when you're in a calm headspace.

You are not ready to be in a relationship.

18 months isn't long at all to recover from a 15 year relationship. You clearly need longer and there's no shame in that.

The window of tolerance idea is interesting to me. I know a bit about it as I work with kids with ASD and work in a similar way with them.

The thing is, I used to be afraid of flying. I had terrible anxiety. I learnt, over time to control that anxiety, with CBT methods. So, my 'window of tolerance' grew and now I'm fine with flying, until the turbulence is really bad. What if I just never flew again? Or waited until I felt ready to fly? I'd never have overcome that anxiety.
Does the same thing apply here do you think?
So, if I'm anxious that he hasn't text/ arranged a date, then I need to learn to sit with that and control it. Do I throw away a potentially good relationship because of anxiety, or do I learn to control it?
I'm not suggesting that anyone here us wrong - just trying to explain my thoughts.

I understand why you're making the comparison with the fear of flying situation. I do see a few obstacles however.

• For your fear of flying, you had professional help. You were doing CBT during those times when your phobia was triggered. You weren't getting on and off airplanes throughout the day. You did so for limited times, times that you chose because you were in the right headspace. You had time to mentally prepare. You knew what you were getting yourself into in advance and had the tools ready to help you through it.
• A relationship with a person is a continuous exposure to the triggers that make you anxious. There's no on- or off-switch. You can't choose specific times to allow yourself to get triggered. There are no breaks. It's a constant thing, which is why it's much harder to stay in your WOT.
• People are much more unpredictable than airplanes. You never know what's being triggered and why. You're constantly finding yourself in situations that may unexpectedly make you anxious. Plus, your anxiety had zero impact on the airplane. It keeps flying steadily, whether you're anxious or not. People aren't like that. People's reaction to your emotions is often unpredictable, and much harder to deal with.

Obviously, you're the only one who can judge whether the tools and skills you've learned during CBT are applicable here. But since you've posted here, I doubt that you're getting through it on your own at the moment.

What I'm worried about, is that you're not getting many moments of positive reïnforcement, which is absolutely neccessary when working on anxiety. You need to have experiences where you're managing the anxiety successfully. This creates pathways in your brain which tell you: hey, it worked well the last time, maybe this won't be so bad next time.
But right now you're having one negative experience after another. And the more you have, the harder it will be to break that pattern. Sometimes it's better to have no experiences than only negative ones.

Good advice from @Girlmom35. Comparing it with overcoming your fear of flying isn’t a useful comparison, for all the reasons she lists. I echo all the other posters who say you’re not ready to date, and some intensive therapy with someone good is probably the best step to take.

Agree with @Girlmom35 advice but to add to that- nobody else is involved in that situation. Your boyfriend isn’t an object like a plane is. He has his own needs, his own mental healthy, his own boundaries, and so comparing that to a plane is not healthy or fair on him at all.

A healthy relationship being built relied on two healthy adults able to communicate and stand by their own boundaries. At the moment you are not able to do this.

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style OP- has this been an issue for you in any previous relationships or just this newer one? I don’t think it necessarily means that you aren’t ready to be in a relationship, but in order to make it work you will need to be aware of your patterns and learn to self soothe without needing constant reassurance from your partner .. if he’s securely attached rather than avoidant then that’s a good thing, (although his ‘go with the flow’ comment could do either way, so pay attention to his actions as time goes on, as a more avoidant type would not work well for you). In terms of strategies, I agree that therapy can be helpful although there is actually quite a lot of helpful information online about anxious attachment patterns, including the book ‘Attached’ and also YouTube videos by Thais Gibson.

Hi OP,

I am like you and always impatient for things to move on. I feel like I should be able to be at xx stage etc.

I never believe that time will make a difference. But it really does. Do some things for you, anxiety free. Book some evening courses, do things that you've always wanted to. Work out who you are away from being someone's wife. 18 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things and you've got a long road ahead of you. Maybe put another year aside. You don't have to go to counselling etc but maybe read some books or listen to some podcasts. Or else just put the 'relationships' bit of you aside for the time being and just do other stuff. And be sure of that decision, don't feel like you're a failure for not being in a relationship. Also take care of yourself x

I used to be like this. Couldn't go more than 6 months being single. I've been on my own 5 years now and it has entirely rid me of my anxiety. I know I'm happy on my own (perhaps happier which was a surprise!). You're not going to cure your anxiety whilst in the relationship.

Thanks all.
I totally understand what you are saying and can see now that the comparison with flying maybe isn't a good one.
I suppose I was just thinking that if the trauma of my marriage (and it was traumatic at times) has causes me to become more anxiously attached, then I need to learn how to cope in relationships, rather than avoiding them altogether.

I agree though, that maybe I'm just not ready. When my anxiety is calmed, I can see that I'm actually quite happy without a relationship. And maybe I need time to be more sure of this idea, so that I'm not constantly anxious or worrying that I'll get hurt - which I think is my main fear.