How to talk to DH about his stress

[BigDahliaFan]

DH is a stressed person. He always has been. A few years ago He had a nervous breakdown and lost his high profile job, that was stressful.

His view is that now he's moved jobs his life is far less stressful and all is OK.

But it isn't. He stresses about small things. He has borderline iBS that he insists isn't stress related but gets better on holiday.

He's generally a good driver but 2 long horrible drives this weekend he was on the verge of causing a road rage incident when 2 separate people cut him up.

I'm not sure I want to spend my retirement with someone who seems to be getting worse at managing stress.

Attempts to talk about it end up with me being called tne stressed one. I'm really not....

Would you consider going to counselling? It sounds like he is not communicating and you are not being heard.

I'm guessing he's one of those people that upon seeing a busy carpark, will let out a huge stressfilled sigh and gets in a real mood, and possibly get angry. He probably doesn't drive around quietly problem solving, or quietly swear under their breath like most people do.

Your husband wants to be allowed to be the person that he is, that he's always been without being shut shown. He doesn't have a problem with how he is, clearly, but you do, and it's understandable. Only people who are either emotionally numb or have a zen-like calmness can put up with very neurotic people. Most people aren't like that - they're closer to the middle. Even if they do lean towards being a bit relaxed and calm, spending a long time with neurotic people can really wear someone down after many years.

What irritates me about such people is that such people aren't always empathetic or sympathetic when someone else gets stressed - they sometimes downplay it, dismiss people, as there is only room for them and what they're stressed about.

He either genuinely doesn't see that, or has chosen not to. Acknowledging it, especially in front of you would mean he's actually have to do something about it, and he doesn't want to, or just can't.

He's never known any different, and emotional reactions like that have become a part of his identity by now. Such people are really hard work (and often make bad parents in my opinion). It puts a real dampener on events and outings that should be joyful or at least neutral. Instead of bonding, you spend a lot of your time having to soothe them, as if they're an adult toddler.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, just sympathy.

Thanks both.

I'm not sure he notices my reaction. And yes it wears me down being told I'm overreacting when I don't at all 90% of the time but 1 in 10 times I'll go 'sheesh that wasn't cool!'.

I'm married to one of these types too. Lovely man but they can be such hard work at times. We married later in life and interestingly he has no children.