Will sex ever be the same for me again?

[BananaTape810]

NC but have been here a while. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to my boyfriend at the time, all was great and we had a lot of fun with it however he cheated on me and eventually left me for the same girl. This girl was always a problem during our relationship which is why I think it’s made things worse. 2 days after we split, he sent me multiple pictures and messages of him and the girl in bed together, telling me ‘she is better at sex than you’ and ‘why would anyone ever want to sleep with you.’ There were more comments, but these are a few. Bearing in mind I was 16, just starting out my sex life. He was the first person I ever slept with so it was all I knew at the time.
These comments ruined me and for the last 8 years I’ve never been the same when it comes to sex. I’m not experimental anymore, I quite literally freeze. I don’t ever change positions from missionary and I’m not sure why. I feel like I see it as some kind of embarrassment, I feel like I’m going to be judged if I ‘get on top.’ I never initiate with my current boyfriend, and I think it’s starting to affect us as a couple, we’ve been together for 4 years. These comments have just ruined sex for me. I think it’s also ruined my trust and the way I view relationships. It’s like a deep deep trauma that I just can’t get over.
I’ve never spoken to anyone about this in real life because the thought of how my young 16-year-old self felt makes me physically sick. I will never speak about this out loud, it’s like I’m ashamed of it. I’m surprised I’m even writing it here to be honest, but I just need some advice of how I can possibly get over this. How can I overcome these comments and spice up my sex life with my current boyfriend? He’s mentioned that he needs more from sex, but I feel like this whole thing is just like a big block stopping me from going any further. No, my boyfriend doesn’t know any of this, but I plan to tell him tonight.
Does anyone have any advice? I feel so stupid that a few comments from a 16 year old boy, who was clearly just trying to be spiteful, still affect me and I also feel so broken that 8 years later this still has a hold on me and is still affecting my relationships.

What a dick he was.

I would start by telling your BF how your confidence was knocked, and work with him on expanding out slowly.

Bless you OP, what an awful thing to have experienced and it's no wonder that you're still struggling now.

I think CBT could really help you with this. I think in most areas you can self refer for free online therapy. I've attached a link where you can find out more.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

Please know that like any trauma, you can recover and have a much more satisfying sex life - in fact overcoming a sexual trauma generally gives you much more confidence in bed, ultimately, than the average person! You deserve to have a fulfilling and loving sex life, and you absolutely can achieve this 🌺

That's so awful, what an arsehole - I'm so sorry. I think this experience has been traumatic for you and it's still affecting you. Agree with the other poster to tell your boyfriend about it, and say that you need some help with your confidence.

If you can manage to, I would really recommend seeing a therapist about this though so you can work through your trauma and feelings of unworthiness around sex. Relate do sex therapy for people on their own too, not just couples, so you could look into that, or you could just go to a standard psychotherapist to discuss the issues. It's not unusual for people to have issues around sex they need to speak to a therapist about, so don't feel embarrassed.

Don't let that little toerag ruin your sex life forever.

The boy who sent you the messages was an immature abusive arsehole. Sex can get much better with age. Discover what you like about your own body and gently discuss this with your current boyfriend. Look forward not back and just try and think of the previous comments as immature utter nonsense. I bet he was a pathetic selfish teen. Time to move forward OP with your self-worth in tact.

Please do tell your dp. It’s not a huge secret you should be embarrassed about. He was a 16 year old twat, as you say.

Get it out in the open and try to laugh about how ridiculous it is, but be up front about how it’s made you feel. Hopefully dp will help you get over this block - and if he doesn’t try hard, he’s not the right person for you either.

Maybe counselling might help.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. He clearly had such issues, was so insecure that he behaved like that to hurt you and try and make himself feel better.

It's so good you are taking steps now to move forward and heal yourself. Therapy sounds like a really good idea, wishing you all the best of luck with it. You are young and deserve a satisfying sex life, not for your partners, for yourself xx

The behaviour of some men never ceases to amaze me. Some of them seem to be on a race to see who can stoop to the bottom in terms of their behaviour.

It's the sheer vindictiveness of this low life specimen that is so striking.

I know you must know in your heart OP that the actions and words of someone like this just don't deserve the time of day. But they still have such capacity to hurt.

I really think you need to talk to your current boyfriend about how your past experience has knocked your confidence. With his support you hopefully can work towards a better and more fulfilling sex life together.

Pp' s suggestion of CBT or some other therapy is also a good one.

Ach you poor thing. How awful the way we humans can take on other peoples awful ideas and feel shame, when the shame in reality rests firmly with him. What an arsehole.

How would you advise a friend who had been through this? Would you think they should be ashamed? I think telling your partner is a great idea, and considering therapy too, given this has affected you for several years. You’d be amazed how many people carry round traumas like these but you don’t know because it’s all hidden and private. You’ve done nothing wrong.

I'm telling my boyfriend tonight, I have written him a letter as I really can't bring myself to say it out loud. This is my third attempt at telling him and each time I've failed. But I feel like this time is different, I can't keep this to myself much longer, especially as it's now affecting my boyfriend. I'm going to look in to therapy, I have thought about it before but it's such a scary concept to me, especially talking about this. I've bottled it up for so long that the way I now view sex has just become my norm. I know the boy was (is) an absolute knob, and I know I shouldn't be ashamed at all. It's just so sad that at such a young age I had these experiences taken from me. Thank you all for your advice, you've made me feel better about speaking to my partner xx

Something very similar happened to me OP and it affected me in much the same way for a very long time. I never told anyone either and had very unsatisfactory sex for over 10 years as a result, what a waste! I suppose DH is what changed it for me, he did a lot to build my trust and self confidence in the early days and slowly but surely I opened up about my insecurities and the more he understood the easier it was for him to know what to do/not do to cement that trust so I felt brave enough to try new things.

So I agree that telling your bf is your first step but whether it helps is essentially down to how he reacts, ime you need to be with someone kind, emotionally intelligent and patient who genuinely wants you to have a good time in bed so if your current bf doesn't fit that bill he may not be the one to open up to about this. Assuming he does fit the bill though be prepared for it to take time, you will need to really, really trust your partner and he will need to repeatedly show you that he can be trusted with your deepest insecurities for that to happen which is not a short process.

It is definitely something you can 'get over' though, please don't think you have to stay stuck where you are forever, it can and will get better if you want it to. Therapy is always a good idea imo so that's an option too but for me it was all about having a loving, supportive partner who wanted to help me build my confidence.