Feeling left out of friendship group of 3

[RichTea90]

I went to uni in another county and became really good friends with 2 other girls. We became a friendship group of 3 and have our own WhatsApp group. Due to a break up, I ended up moving to another county so I now live 1 hour away. Since moving away, they’ve become super close and I barely hear from them. When they do post to the group chat, it’s usually about themselves, or they make references to things they’ve clearly spoken about together in person.

the dynamic is now making me feel quite hurt, and I really don’t know what to do about it. I’m naturally a very sensitive person. Individually, I don’t feel they make much effort with me. Though one of them is slightly better than the other.

Guys what do I do? Has anyone else been in a similar position? It is causing me a fair bit of anxiety

What a shame, that sounds grim. I think don't use the shared group for messaging. Message each one direct so you are maintaining the individual friendships. An hour away isn't far. Make sure you see each other regularly. It sounds a natural thing to happen but hard to deal with.

Try not to take it personally OP. It sounds like this has happened because of the circumstances, not because they don't like you - it's harder to have a friend living a hour away than close by. I would keep the friendship but accept that it's not like it used to be, and focus on making friends in your new area.

Dynamics do shift when some people see each other more. Unless you think either of them is actually trying to exclude or hurt you, I'd try to accept the change and hold onto the friendships for now, in whatever form they're taking. Maybe, as time goes on, things will change again. You might find you're closer to one of them than the other - no longer so much a 'group of three.' And of course you'll make your own new friends too.

Thank you -I agree. The problem is I find the shared WhatsApp group hard as I feel it’s a blatant reminder of me being left out - I don’t know what to do about this and I kind of resent the fact neither of them bother with me individually, yet msg the group from time to time when I know they see each other regularly in real life. It’s odd.

Thanks, it is pretty grim tbh.
I want to leave the chat as it’s hurting me but tbh that’ll just ostracise me further. I feel I’m in an imposs situation. Do I share how I’m feeling in the group chat? I’m genuinely happy for them that they’ve developed such a close bond, but I really don’t want to feel like a third wheel.

I think if you are close it's fine to share how you feel. You have to continue to make a physical effort with the relationship too though, as the emotional distance if you don't visit will widen.

I’ve sort of raised it before, and they’ll come up with excuses. I feel guilty as I moved away. Friendship for them is more convenient, I totally get it. It really hurts.

I think this was inevitable when you moved away.

Could you make new friends where you are now? Did you move home?

This sounds like being on a school playground.
Make new friends OP.

@jammybuscuits

That sounds a bit insensitive. Have you not seen the amount of threads on here with people saying how hard it is to make new friends? Yes of course it would be good for the OP to make friends where they now live, and they may have done that. However older friendships are really important so I totally understand where OP is coming from.

Thank you!

I DO and have made friends where I currently live, but that doesn’t actually address the issues I’m facing with this current friendship group!

Also, it’s still painful … and awkward .. and uncomfortable!

I think these sorts of WhatsApp catch up groups work better when everyone in the group is separated by distance and it's the main way of catching up. With the best will in the world it's always going to be a different dynamic when some of the group see each other frequently and some don't.

Do you think messaging them separately could work better for you?

You know what, you’re so right… I agree.
I think messaging separately would work better for me.

so what do I do? Do I tell them this and then leave the group?

You could just leave the group there and not use it so much. Maybe just use it for light-hearted stuff like the odd photo.

I would just separately message the one who makes more effort with you, don't mention/make a thing of it on the group. Maybe leave it with the other one til she reaches out to you.

Obviously they are going to see each other more than they now see you. And they can't exactly refrain from taking about anything they have discussed without you

The fact that they use the group chat when they don't have to suggests they want you still included in some way

OP it's hard but friendships do change and fade with distance.

You can't change what they do, you can only change what you do.

Whether you stay in the group chat or not (personally I would stay and try to reinvigorate it by posting more myself) you will need to make an effort yourself and hope it is reciprocated at least to some degree.

Try not to get into the rabbit warren of worrying about who is making more effort. Do what you can, if the friendship is working for you in that basis keep it, otherwise let it go.

Yes, I did and do consider this actually. It could be completely dead right? I often use this as a positive reframe. Thank you for the reminder xx

Yeah, I think I’ll do this xx