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Original poster

Moving into husband's home

27 replies

LoChook · 28/08/2024 04:55

I'm getting married next year and I'll be moving into my husband-to-be's home after the big day. One thing I'm scared about is wanting to change a few things to make it feel like a home for me too, but I'm not sure how to go about it without making him feel bad.

He's been living alone in his own place for years, and so it's a bit of a bachelor's pad. He already has kitchenware and bedspreads (etc), but I'd like to change some stuff when I move in (his bedspreads are all old and his dishes are all unmatched/not part of a set, so I'd like to replace his dishes and other things like that).

I don't want to offend him or make it seem like his stuff isn't good enough for me. To me, it would've been easier if we were buying a new house together and starting afresh where we would both get the things we'd like together rather than me moving into his space and replacing some of the things I don't like. But seeing as that isn't happening, has anyone who's been in a similar situation got any tips on how to handle this?

OP posts:
AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 28/08/2024 05:01

simple. Have a wedding list.

Garlicfest · 28/08/2024 05:01

You're getting married. Congratulations, and I suppose you know him well enough to talk about stuff?

SewingBees · 28/08/2024 05:53

The word that stuck out for me is 'scared'. Why are you scared? This is something you should be able to have a conversation about, expressing exactly what you've put in your post. Are you afraid to do that and if so why?

Row23 · 28/08/2024 05:53

Literally just talk to him about it. If you’re getting married then surely you’re able to communicate with each other well. Don’t make it a big deal.
If he loves you enough to marry you then I’d assume he would also want you to feel comfortable in what will be your shared home.

Changingplace · 28/08/2024 05:59

Surely you just have this conversation with him? Why are you scared about this? It’s quite worrying that you’re getting married and yet don’t feel able to discuss this kind of thing which is pretty uncontentious.

Are you not living together before you get married? How long have you been together?

ThePoetsWife · 28/08/2024 05:59

How odd to be scared of telling him you want to make your new home comfortable and homely.

Hope the house will be seen as yours just as much as it is his?

ViciousCurrentBun · 28/08/2024 06:16

If you can’t talk to him about stuff like cushion covers and bedding choices then put simply do not get married.

If people can't communicate then a relationship is doomed.

Have you discussed finances? Attitudes to child rearing? Going out and about without each other? Housework division?

DS and his GF are talking about furnishings, how they will have rotas for all sorts of things and what they want to call a potential future pet and already have finances sorted as a dating couple who live apart.

Myfavouriteflowers · 28/08/2024 06:21

Yes i echo pp that it seems natural that you both should be talking about the practicalities of you moving in.

Surely he must realise things will have to change in his home arrangements once you bring your belongings there? And that will also be joint new belongings. And that you will have some say in the decor of the home.

It should be an exciting , bonding thing talking about your future home and life together.

It is worrying if you really are scared to have a conversation about the home you are going to share.

Are you scared to talk to him about other things that matter to you?

KeepinOn · 28/08/2024 06:37

When my partner moved into my home, I made every effort to ensure she felt at home. I moved furniture, redecorated, made space for her things. And her cats! We got rid of duplicate items, sometimes mine, sometimes hers. We blended our household to make it into a joint venture. A couple of years later, we moved, I sold the house and used the proceeds as part of our deposit on a home in both our names. She always felt welcome in the old house, but knowing that we both are jointly named on this house feels better for the both of us. She can put time, energy, and expense into maintaining/fixing/decorating our home and make it feel like her own.

If you're not able to voice your opinions now, before you even have moved in, you're at risk of always feeling like a guest or lodger instead of an equal participant in your own homelife. It's no way to live.

mumonthehill · 28/08/2024 06:44

I moved into dh house and honestly this conversation never came up. We bought new bits because it felt right to have things we chose together. Some of my stuff came in and some of his went out. It was fun to think about how we would make this home ours and he was ready for a change. It is concerning that you cannot talk to him about this. It is normal when bringing houses together for both to have a clear out and then get new bits. It does not have to be instant but can happen naturally over time.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 28/08/2024 06:46

How come you are moving j to his house when you say you would have preferred to get a house together? But agree with others .. talk to him..
We're getting married next week.. how we gonna make the house "ours" ? Shall we talk about it?

What makes you scared about tackling it ?

Enjoy your wedding.

Happyinarcon · 28/08/2024 07:01

A lot of men think that women turn a house into a home and enjoy them decorating, bringing cushions and nice bedsheets etc. We can argue against sexist stereotypes til the cows come home but I’ve never known a man to buy a throw blanket, a vase or a scented candle.

Mememe9898 · 31/08/2024 22:55

Weird post! If you are getting married to someone surely you should be able to speak your mind and not worry about offending him.
I’ve known my husband for 20 years and I never worry about offending him. I just say it like it is and if he does get offended then so be it!

beanii · 31/08/2024 23:07

If you can't discuss this with him then that'd be a bit of a warning sign to be honest.

As would not living together before getting married. Things can completely change when you're with each other 24/7.

I'd honestly have a think about things before it's too late.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 31/08/2024 23:12

Never mind the decor: Is your name going on the mortgage?

If you divorce and have no children, you'll have a very hard time getting back any money you have paid on "his" house.

TheShellBeach · 31/08/2024 23:16

Can't you just discuss it with him?

TheShellBeach · 31/08/2024 23:17

Why aren't you living there already?

RaspberryBeretxx · 31/08/2024 23:40

It’s totally normal to change some things around when you move in so don’t be scared of the conversation. Just say “it’d be great if we could make the place feel more like ours than just yours. Maybe a new dinner set, bedding, towels etc? We could ask for some vouchers for the wedding or use any cash gifts to pay for it…? I’d love to choose some things together”.

nickelbabe · 01/09/2024 09:25

If you're marrying someone, don't you think that talking about where you're living is a tiny conversation?
If you're worrying about this conversation, I'm not sure you're ready to get married.

When I moved into DH's house, I had to move stuff around, add things, etc, so that I could fit my stuff in and make it my home too.

Do you have anything of your own that you'll be bringing to the home?

Are you going to start moving in before the wedding?

You really do just need to say "as this will be our home now, shall we redecorate/get new bits and bobs/rearrange furniture?"

Swiftie1878 · 01/09/2024 09:26

Seriously, if this is a subject you can’t easily tackle, you ought to be reconsidering marriage plans!
TALK TO HIM!!

MollyButton · 01/09/2024 09:41

If you can't talk to him about getting a new bedspread then :Don't get married

It is that simple, if you can't talk about harmless stuff then how are you going to cope with: money, health (including intimate and yucky bits), child raising, crashing the car etc etc

cantpullthetrigger · 01/09/2024 09:52

When my friends did this, the husband packed up his home and put everything in the garage and together they decided what would go back into the home, and what they would purchase new.

I thought this was a lovely considerate move on his part and my friend found it a really helpful way to feel like the home was hers from day one.

RachTheAlpaca · 01/09/2024 10:20

Omg

You don't really know a person until you've lived with somebody. You need to live together for 6-12 months at least first and see how you work as a team in a household and actually living together rather than 'visiting/dating' because it is completely different.
If you're scared to ask him if you can decorate a bit, it sounds like you barely know this guy and definitely not ready to marry him yet!

TheShellBeach · 01/09/2024 10:53

I don't understand why you're not living there already.
Why are the pair of you paying for two properties, if the intention is to stay together for life, via marriage?

Welshmonster · 01/09/2024 10:59

Have you talked to him the bigger stuff like finances etc. he may always see his home as his home that he bought with his money.
what is happening with your home if you were renting?

have the conversation now before you get married as if he won’t change any of his stuff then don’t get married.

like others have said this is small stuff to be worried about. You need to have the big conversations about who is paying for what, are you planning to have children, what happens if one of you dies or needs care. How will it be funded?
what happens if you separate?

if you are scared to talk to him then it will be even worse once married