What's real and what's in my head?

[confusedabouthormones]

So I was going to put this in menopause but I went with relationships cos it's about my marriage.

I've been married for 16 yrs. I love my husband. We have a lovely family and a good life. However.... we haven't had sex for 5 yrs.

I am perimenopausal but symptoms have been really manageable. Except last couple months I've been feeling a little down. Like I don't know if something is as it seems or if I'm thinking too much.

Example. I felt he was in bad form this weekend. Very quiet. Very distant. I couldn't put my finger on it. Just something off. I over thought it so much I was then quiet and we ended up almost sulking all day Sunday.

I think he's been distant now since about may. I want to ask him but his communication is terrible and I don't know how to bring it up.

I'm bracing myself for lots of judgement here but I'm hoping for advice.

I suppose what I'm saying is I don't know if there is a problem
Or if I'm over thinking it.

Advice please. Xx

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Five years is a long time - did something trigger that? Do you have young children? Is there intimacy aside from sex? Sorry for the questions - I went through a dry patch with my XH but at the time he was having an affair. I’m not saying it’s the same - our sex life was just haphazard, a few times a month. But there was no emotional connection between us it was just going through the motions. I think if you still feel close then that’s something. Are you able to find time to sit down and just talk together, no distractions? Maybe if you both open up you can both tell each other what’s bothering you and find a way to make it better.

We are still emotionally connected. We still kiss and cuddle and say I love you. No sexual contact at all none. I used to say it didn't bother me but it does now. It really does. It bothers me
That I don't know how to bring it up
Too. What a fool I am.

I mean I've put about a stone and a half on since we married maybe it's that. Kids are early teens now. He's 55. Maybe he doesn't feel like he needs it. I just feel weird about it.

Please don’t think you’re a fool - it’s just a rough patch. If you’re still close in other ways then there’s hope. Do you have children?

What I mean is find some quiet time - no tv, maybe some quiet background music, some nibble food and a bottle of wine to share (if he finds it hard to open up a glass or two of wine may help things flow a bit more easily). Even if you feel it’s a bit stilted, just open up and tell him how you think and feel, and listen too, as calmly as you can. So it doesn’t feel confrontational. I might be saying this a little clumsily - just try and talk it through. He might be feeling a lot of stress from work or have other worries which means that sex is the last thing on his mind, so it’s just finding a way to communicate well.

@Plantmother71 thank you. Yes we have 2 kids 12 and 14.

I'll try to engineer a situation to talk about it. Put my big girl pants on and give it a go.

I guess whatever occurred/changed 5 years ago when the sex stopped is your best clue.

But it's him you really need to be asking, not us. Perhaps he's thinking the same as you, but doesn't know how to broach the subject either?

Maybe approach it in a semi light hearted way when you get an appropriate cue (sex scene on TV or something). "What happened to our sex life?" "Remember when we used to have sex like that".