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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my marriage is over!

6 replies

AdeptZebra · 27/08/2024 20:02

Sorry, new account as I don’t want to be traceable! Me and my husband are in our mid forties and have 2 children aged 6 and 12. We’ve been together for 20 years. Since our youngest was born we haven’t been the same at all, she was unplanned (I was told I couldn’t have anymore children) and I and a difficult pregnancy followed by 6 months of colic. It was hell! During that time my husband and I came to blows, I had post natal anxiety and my baby didn’t sleep for more than an hour during the night. I was an absolute mess! He used to say he’d help out whilst I slept but would then ‘look after’ the baby, but put ear plugs in which caused me to resent him so bad! This is when it all went wrong! Fast forward to lockdown and I found out that he was on Reddit looking at porn. He admitted that he would ‘upvote’ these women, but swore he’d never contacted any of them. When I pushed him he said he was addicted to porn and would address this. I have no idea if this is true. I can take a bit of porn, but the fact that he’s addicted to looking at other women’s tits etc makes me feel sick. We now don’t really get on, we used to have such a good time together but that has stopped. He still wants sex but I don’t find him attractive at all, he’s started to have premature ejaculation and there’s literally nothing in it for me. I feel that he’s conditioned himself to cum as quickly as possible due to his porn addiction. He makes no effort and feel he just uses me. I love him but as a friend, we’re definitely together for the kids. Do I spend the rest of my life like this? He earns wayyy more than I do as I’m on minimum wage and only work part time. More importantly, I don’t want to blow up my kids life!

OP posts:
TheseBootsAreWalking · 27/08/2024 20:33

Yeah, sounds like he has really let you down.
I totally get why you would not want to sleep with him after him admitting he has an addiction.
Sometimes I feel its an excuse to downplay a behavior with that excuse, so that they can control how you react. Meaning, somehow you will be more at ease to forgive it rather than him plainly saying, I like watching unrealistic expectaions in the bedroom played by vulnerable women to get me off.

You may already find it hard to look at him the same way knowing he is so at ease doing it knowing full well how you feel about it. He still does it.

Most think that porn addiction may be manageable with therapy, and then how long will that take? Is is it a problem that is going to be a cluster of many others yet to come now that you have lost faith in him. There is a lot of work ahead if you choose to stay.

AdeptZebra · 27/08/2024 21:58

Hello

OP posts:
AdeptZebra · 27/08/2024 22:01

Oops, sorry for the hello. I have no actual idea how to use this site. I’m a bit desperate and feel this is the only place I can be anonymous. Thank you for your response ‘thesebootsaremadeforwalking’ . You’re the only person who’s bothered. Just looked at a lot of other posts on here and they seem a bit trivial. Oooooh what shall I wear to wedding etc

OP posts:
Catseyes88 · 27/08/2024 22:09

I’m
sorry OP, but it sounds like he’s given up on life/you. He is clearly very comfortable and set in his ways and unless you make/force changes he won’t change.

Have you spoken to him about any of this? If you haven’t he is possibly quite oblivious to how you are feeling; and if doesn’t know how you are feeling then he’s not going to make any effort to change.

I’m not going to go into another porn debate here so as not to derail your thread but talk to him. See if grandparents can have the kids for an evening/night, go out for dinner, both make an effort and lay all your cards out on the table.

BodyKeepingScore · 27/08/2024 22:37

AdeptZebra · 27/08/2024 22:01

Oops, sorry for the hello. I have no actual idea how to use this site. I’m a bit desperate and feel this is the only place I can be anonymous. Thank you for your response ‘thesebootsaremadeforwalking’ . You’re the only person who’s bothered. Just looked at a lot of other posts on here and they seem a bit trivial. Oooooh what shall I wear to wedding etc

People engage with each other on all kinds of topics on this site, for many different reasons. Some lighthearted and some less so.

Leave your husband. What are you getting out of your marriage? You sound unhappy. And no, you don't have to live the rest of your life like that. Children are more damaged by growing up in a loveless unhappy home than they are by a civil divorce.

sarahnurse · 10/11/2024 09:52

This is a really hard situation for you.
He let you down when your Daughter was small and you were struggling. There's nothing less sexy than being unsupported. I'm not surprised you've gone off him. Can you put your ducks in a row before you leave? Save some money etc. Anyway, He will still have to financially support the children if you divorce .

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