No good deed goes unpunished?

[Newspaperarticles]

Just wondering how MNers would react to this situation.

I live on my own in a block of flats. About 10 years ago, an older couple moved in down the hall. We would chat about the weather, but never socialised.

About a year ago, one developed cancer. I was able to help them navigate certain health care situations and advised them about carers. They also have a lot of help from family.

The well partner (they are a gay couple) would tell me about his partner's condition at great length, and in great (some would probably say excruciating) detail and I listened. A bit difficult, but no real problem.

Now, the partner has died. I was able to help the survivor with some aspects of estate management.

I didn't mind helping - it wasn't a lot of time. The survivor continues to talk at great length whenever we meet in the corridor - I do my best to avoid him.
Now he wants to have lunch - he just called me.

I don't want to have lunch with him - I feel like it's going to be two hours of their life story - 50 years together, etc. etc.

I suppose feel a bit, well, taken advantage of - I'm on my own, and they never asked me to meet. I've had my own issues over the years which I've never shared with them, and now the survivor is on his own and all of a sudden he wants to become friends.

I know it's just a couple of hours, but ...

As I said, just wondering how others would react.

But aren’t you already friends? You supported him through probably the worst time of his life, wouldn’t it be worse if you gave all that support and help and then he just ditched you?

if you don’t want to meet your lunch, then say no. But I don’t think he’s over reaching really given your history

Aside from some family, when your partner dies, everyone says let me know if there's anything you need, but if you do ask, suddenly they are busy. They don't want to listen either.

He needs someone who understands to talk to, can you find a local support group for bereaved people and gently steer him there ?

Could he not perhaps be offering lunch as a thank you for your support?

I suppose feel a bit, well, taken advantage of - I'm on my own, and they never asked me to meet. I've had my own issues over the years which I've never shared with them, and now the survivor is on his own and all of a sudden he wants to become friends.

OP they’re trauma dumping and using you. You’ve correctly identified they weren’t bothered about you before their partner died and they’re still not. They’re trying to use you as a therapist under the guise of a friendly catch up. I’d set some boundaries. Personally I’d decline altogether. When you see him stop very briefly and chat before saying firmly you need to go, redirect the conversation to yourself if you need to as that usually deters emotional vampires.

You’ve been kind to them but it doesn’t sound that’s going to be reciprocated at all so to avoid resentment you need to nip this in the bud.

I’ve been in similar situations with work colleagues who wanted to meet up to off load all their problems on me or even an old childhood friend who used me as a therapist for years.

Men are particularly inclined to use women for free therapy.

@TyneTeas Could he not perhaps be offering lunch as a thank you for your support?

Yes, that thought did cross my mind. But he didn't say, "I'd like to take you to lunch." It was just "Let's have lunch sometime." He mentioned it again last week, and now he's called.

And honestly, I don't need any thanks. As I said, I was happy to be able to help.

I'm a bit stumped for offering any advice. It's a really tricky situation.

You shouldn't have to be talked at for hours by someone that has never bothered with you but at the same time it's hard and cruel to say to a bereaved person "no I don't want to have lunch with you thank you". You could say "I'm sorry as I live alone and have my own worries I'm not in a good position to support you - perhaps you would be better asking you family or someone else".

I guess you either make excuses about how busy you are/not well enough etc or give the above explanation or decide to do it just the once as a charitable act? Hopefully they will not be as intense as you fear. But you still have the issue if they want to meet again and you don't.

@Pearlyo You’ve correctly identified they weren’t bothered about you before their partner died and they’re still not.

Yes - I'm realising it's the lack of reciprocity that I'm reacting to.

Mumsnet goes hard on anyone not a direct blood relative wanting any time or care. But face to face, how could any of us turn down such an invitation, which seems to have been made politely? He's just suffered a massive bereavement, he's not a "vampire".

I'm sorry you feel taken advantage of, OP. Whatever you decide, try not to harbour any resentment about it.

Some people won’t give you a second thought but when they need help they suddenly harp on about a “village” to the nearest person who’ll help them.

It goes without saying you shouldn’t be blunt when declining but women are socialised into saying yes to things which don’t serve them, so don’t be afraid to turn this down. You clearly don’t want to go.

And yes 💯 it’s the lack of reciprocity, that’s where I had to distance myself from my my friend who used me as a therapist for years. She would suddenly be busy and cut the conversation short or try to “one up” me to recentre herself if I ever spoke about any issues. If I was tired she was more tired.

And sorry but I doubt it’s a thank you lunch. Most people are very clear about that kind of thing and say “ I’d like to take you out to lunch to say thanks”

I’ve noticed as a single woman some people think you have all the time and brain space in the world to take in all their woes, but they will never reciprocate.

If you continue you’ll burn out and they’ll be nowhere to be seen as you’re no longer useful to them.

I was a people pleaser or a “rescuer” for years and I had to do the inner work to understand why I was attracting and tolerating people like that .

@Newspaperarticles

the guys life partner has died, would it really hurt you to have lunch and let him talk at you?

I find things like this aren't really reciprocal, more give & take. You might listen to him talk but at some time someone else will
listen to you.

maybe he finds it easier to talk to you as you knew his partner, but weren't a close friend (so not grieving yourself).

JMO because you asked.

No I’m not available.

What a horrible way of looking at someone who's just been through a horrible time and is now grieving. There's no evidence at all this person is an emotional vampire. And I think "trauma dumping" is such a horrible fucking term for when people are struggling and needing support. And to label men as the worst offenders when they are the group most at risk of suicide because they generally don't share their difficulties is really not on.

Could you not say that you are always happy to help a neighbour but you are not the most sociable of people so don't tend to go out for lunch as such.

If anything I help people who are not related to me out more -. and they help me out too. But I try not to trauma dump on anyone, especially someone I barely know outside of them helping me in a difficult period.
(I mean how much does this man actually know about you OP, beyond the help you provides?)

I have a neighbour who has a partner, but she clearly still thinks I’m worth hanging out with lol she pops around for coffee and brings cake and we go out for lunch etc. If she needs help in an emergency I hope she wouldn’t hesitate to reach out and I’d happily go to lunch with her if she was feeling a bit down. And vice versa.

The difference is she doesn’t just see me as her support human to trauma dump on.

IMO he is indeed the very definition of an emotional vampire but irrespective of mine or anyone’s opinion of it - OP you clearly aren’t feeling it so just say no.

If others are allegedly Ok with providing that level of intense support to someone who they didn’t have a pre-existing relationship that’s fine, but you’re the one in this situation and you know how much you can handle and how you feel. There’s no need to override your feelings.

Best to let him down gently now before it escalates. This lunch invitation could become a regular thing if you go once.

Hopefully he can lean into his family - and friends if he has any or join a support group. You’ve did your best and much more than most people in reality would do. Don’t feel guilty.

btw women attempt suicide at a higher rate than men, they (men) are just more “successful” at it (for want if a better word) due to the methods they use.

What many people are now realising about the male “loneliness epidemic” is that too many people are expecting women (who have their own issues) to solve it by being therapists and romantic partners to men even if they don’t want to. Instead of encouraging men to build stronger platonic relationships with each other which would actually be far better all round.

So no it’s not “horrible” it’s being realistic considerate to OP who has her own feelings and life too.

The way so many women are trying to get OP to override her feelings on this is what’s horrible.

They never asked to meet you but did you ask to have them both over ever? It's a two way street. So maybe now that the surviving partner has shared his deepest darkest trauma he feels you have naturally got closer and wants to move this to a friendship footing?

I really don’t think you can come to any of the one conclusions based on the sparse information in the OP. All she describes is someone talking in a lot of detail at a great time of stress for them. And then asking for her for lunch.

Update - went to dinner - I'm too much of a softy to have said no.

He did insist on paying, to thank me for my help. It was slightly less boring than I thought (only just) but when we were saying goodnight in the corridor, he said he wanted to tell me the story of what happened to the partner just before the death. He wanted to show me something the partner had scribbled because he felt that a certain consultant had done something very wrong and he wanted me to interpret the scribble.

I really am going to have to set limits.