Don't know what's wrong with me...............

[warmsummersday]

Hi. I have posted a few time on here before and mainly about depression.

In the past OH has been very controlling, verbally abusive and just down right nasty to me. This has really knocked my confidence.

We have 2 DD's and he works abroard all week and I look after the kids. I had PND when DD2 was born (19 months now) and managed to come off the tablets and felt great. Don't know if im just having a down dip now as been feeling really low this week. Taking it out on kids etc. OH and I only talk once a week so can't talk to him. Today i have reached rock bottom. Things keep going wrong, something happened with a friend and just had £300 gas bill which I know when he sees it he will be fuming and have a go. I am really worried about it now but what can I do, I don't want to get cold and I don't keep the house mega hot. I guess in a way I a scared.

He has got alot better, through self help books etc and I can approack him more easily now but I am still quite scared of saying something to him.

As I said I have been down all week, don't know if I should go back to doc about it but really don't want to go back on tablets. xxx

You have such a lovely calm name too! I can't help really, other than to saythat something is surely wrong if you are scared.

Re the gas bill - is it an estimated one or a meter-read one? Sometimes they will over-estimate (esp. after winter) or if it is meter-read maybe they are catching up on previous under-estimations? Perhaps you could say that to dh?

Hi wsd. You may be having a bad week, but with your current living situation it's not surprising. do you realise the load that you're carrying? Whatever you do, try not to take it out on the kids, it's not their fault. Cherish them and appreciate them - I know from experience this is easier said than done, but try really hard, because if things are good with your kids, it will give you strength.

I think your depression may be related to the state of your relationship. You should not be scared of your partner in any shape or form. Don't go back to the doc at this stage, why not try contacting Relate - you can go on your own.

There are clearly issues with your partner that need to be sorted, and this is something you have to discuss with him.

Can you get a key meter and have the debt put on the key? Pay off a bit each week.

you are responsible for the kids, the house, the finances, the bills...is he responsible for anything?
How can he possibly be angry with you about a gas bill? Is it a quarterly one? Ok, practical advice on the gas bill would be make sure you give them a correct reading and get a new bill, ask for a key meter to be installed, switch to a new supplier (go to www.uswitch.com) or ask to pay it off in installments. The bigger picture is that you are frightened of telling your OH, who doesn't even live with you, that you have a big gas bill. Don't you share? How are you responsible for the hikes in energy prices? I bet everything has to be 'lovely and perfect' when he comes home as well doesn't it? Sounds like your OH has all the fun of a family and none of the stress TBH. I'm reading loads into what you have said and I could be wrong but that does not sound healthy xxx

Hope you are feeling a bit better. I could be the depression coming back - why are you so fearful of going back onto tablets? If you know they worked why not it is not a failure in any way. With the amount of things you have to do alone it is no wonder you need some support (and if that is ads for now so be it). I know a lot of people dont like to go back onto tablets once they have come off them (i am one of them), but to be frightened of it is worse imo.

I have tried lots of alternative therapies and could you prehaps give them a go? - reflexology works well for me.

Please try and do something for you to make you feel better.

You sound as if you are 'blaming' yourself for the huge gas bill (which is less than my one i have just had!!) You know you did nothing wrong prices have really gone up recently, and it has been so cold too - we should not still need the heating on anyway - snow in april!!

Thinking of you and hope you find a solution soon and feel better in yourself.