How to know if I should want/have a baby

[Confusedgirl1984]

I've done a quick name change, as my question may be a little revealing.

I'm separated, I lost a baby in my previous relationship, after a year and a half of trying and not conceiving, long story short we changed our mind about having a baby together and being together. We separated, I know it was the right thing for both of us, he had struggled immensely, we had both lost ourselves and moving on with love is what we both needed for a few reasons I won't go into.

I'm dating now, and have a great guy I really like, I'm definitively falling for him and can see myself with him for my future. He feels the same way. I'm 40, he's 50, he doesn't want any more children. I don't think I want a child now, of course having a baby would be lovely, as it's something I used to think I'd do, but I've seen first had how hard it is to raise a child and all that comes with being a mother. I'm not getting any younger. If I wanted a baby, would I know it, would I feel it strongly? If I decide to have one, could it be I'm just doing what's expected of me, I know my mum would love more than anything to be a nanny, she has no other children. I'd have to give up my relationship if I want to explore having one. and I just don't know anymore.

Thank you for any kind/honest advice from those who may be able to advise me xxx

Definitely*

First of all, at 40 you're a woman, not a girl. Own it.

Secondly, try thinking around this: you meet someone that you like as much as this man. He really wants to marry you and have a child with you. How would you feel?

That's your answer.

Bit of a different perspective but I’m nearly 37, married and infertile. I feel like the future without children looks good in its own way. I think there are pros and cons to either path.

I don’t know if you should give up a chance at love to have a baby tbh. That’s just my opinion but I think there’s a lot more to life than reproducing. Then again, if you pursued a relationship with him, would you resent not having children?

The answer to the above will tell you a lot about how you really feel about him and having children.

If you don’t desperately want a child, I’d continue dating this guy and put the idea of a child behind me. There’s no guarantee that you’ll meet someone in the next year or two, and then you’d want to wait a bit before TTC to see if the relationship is stable. You’ll easily be 43/44 by then and at this age, there is no way to tell whether or not you’ll have a successful pregnancy. If you had said you’re desperate for a child I would have said take your chances and consider doing it alone, but you’re not. Enjoy your life with this new man!

I love Cinai’s answer! I’m afraid that ivf is very gruelling both physically and emotionally. Unless you want a child very badly then maybe let it go. I do wish you the very best; whatever you choose. Maybe your gut reaction to the comments on this thread will help you feel more clear about what you really want.

But… he doesn’t want a baby.

Ah! Ok just caught the part where you said you’d be giving up your current relationship if you committed to having a baby.

Just reading your post has me wondering why you’re trying to convince yourself to want something you don’t seem at all sure about. Don’t have a baby for ANY other reason than you really, deeply desire being a mum and committing yourself to years of raising a child (and it doesn’t stop when they turn 18). You have to really want this for you… not for your mum (who wants to be a nanny). Sorry to be really honest but, I’d stick with the good relationship and enjoy it! Just see how things go.

Sorry but at your ages it’s really unlikely to happen. And consider higher risks of miscarriage and a child with disabilities. And you’ve only just met this man!

Thank you so much for all of your replies, they have all been very helpful, sometimes just hearing others opinions outside of my situation, helps me clarify my own mind somehow. I think inside I know I should be desperate for a baby to be thinking about possibly trying for one. It's been a strange few years and now I finally feel I have a chance a love and happiness....I won't reply individually as honestly, you have all been so helpful, I will re-read them later this evening again.