DH and Colleague

[alittlebitalexis1]

I really don’t know how to feel or if I’m unjustified for being quite upset and hurt.

DH worked with a woman who is early twenties last year, they became friends (he’s 12 years older) at work, nothing close, don’t have numbers etc but when he first mentioned her along with another woman (who is close to her at work and they are friends outside of work) my back went up a bit. They don’t work directly together and are in different departments. But it did seem they are more his type of person, someone to have a joke with during lunch etc. They invited him on nights out with other colleagues but he could never go despite wanting to. He made it clear at the time that if he could have, he would have gone. Once they invited him shopping which I found weird.

Both women have boyfriends that seem serious and they also seem like girls girls. So I don’t think there was anything dodgy going on but it did make me uncomfortable. I was worried DH was getting a crush.

He then was added on Instagram by the girls and he had explained how it happened prior to happening and I was very upset about this and felt a line was being crossed but he didn’t really feel that my feelings were valid and that was that.

DH left the job and now works elsewhere and I am so happy that this short period of stress is over. I was pregnant at the time and now have a newborn. Anyway, my issue: I noticed DH searching one of the girls on Instagram. He’s doing it in a way he thinks is sneaky but I’m not sure I understand why he’s doing it this way. I saw by accident. He could just search normally and there’d be no trace as you can easily delete searches, but he is using a roundabout way which means he doesn’t know it leaves a footprint.

it could be innocent to see if they’ve posted lately and having an interest in her life I suppose but he doesn’t do it for anyone else. I can’t mention it yet as I’m waiting to see if it’s regular ( I know he’s done it twice in the past two weeks so far but could be more)

I feel very hurt and uncomfortable. Equally, I can’t control what he does. I trust that they don’t speak and she seems to not be bothered about him now he’s left (she could have invited him out when she’s been with other colleagues or started convo but she hasn’t). Their last communication was him wishing her happy birthday and her saying “thanks mate”

I don’t know what to think or feel. Any advice?

It does sound like he has/had a little crush OP and is letting curiosity get the better of him, which much be devastating given you’ve just given birth to his baby. It also doesn’t sound like there’s anything more, or any lines have been crossed - if he was actively trying to cheat for example. I’d still be very hurt by it…

This is how I feel but I’ve no idea what to do with this emotion or feeling. Bringing it up won’t achieve much, he’ll either deny or flip it.

Why are you checking his search history?

It isn’t search history- that would be a normal way to look someone up and is also easy to delete which I’d never have known if he did

Either you trust him or you don't.

If you trust him then you are being a bit paranoid.

If you don't trust him then your relationship is doomed.

And unless these colleagues are young teenagers then they are women. Not girls.

You're spying on him and getting paranoid and they're women, not "girls"

I referred to them as women except for after using the term girls’ girls. I refer to myself as a girl. We’re not far off in age - DH is older.

I wasn’t spying but I would have no qualms if I had spied.

I am not asking for advice about looking or “spying” - I’m asking advice on how to feel when my husband has only ever looked up this one girl through a more difficult and abnormal way which must be to secretly stalk her so it doesn’t show on search history.

it isn’t about trust. I don’t think he’d overstep or that she’d have ever let him. But it hurts knowing that your husband is thinking of another woman to the extent of searching up her profile discreetly.

Why are you checking his Instagram? It doesn't sound like either of the women are interested in him like that, and he's just looking at their profiles. You're causing your own anxiety here

"Anyway, my issue: I noticed DH searching one of the girls on Instagram."

Girls. If he's searching for girls then you've got a real problem.

Yeah, sounds like he might've fancied one of them and it's not great but just tell him you know what he's searching for and that you don't like it.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're paranoid at all. You have a gut feeling something is a little off and instinctively are doing a bit of digging. Nothing wrong with that.
How you go about things now is a little tricky because you don't want or maybe need to rock the relationship by being confrontional at this point.

So if I was you, play for time, play things cool. See how he is with you. Has anything changed in his behaviour? Looking isn't a crime but if there's interest there- that would be a whole difference level.
Good luck.

Well I can understand why you are feeling upset about this
It seems quite a strange dynamic these women striking up a friendship with a married man 12 years older themselves and inviting him to their social outings and asking him to go shopping with them.
If you have a new born together he should be focusing on you and his child and being a supportive husband and father.
He shouldn't be making you feel insecure and upset.
You should talk to him about how him about how you are feeling and how his searching these women on social media is making you feel insecure.

He sounds a bit of a letch to be fair, twice in 2 weeks looking up a woman who is 12 years younger than him, who he used to work with. I wouldn’t be happy about it.

She’s obviously not interested in him hence the “thanks mate” brush off reply to his last message. I think the issue for me would be that now I know he’s creeping around her social media I’d lose a little bit of respect for the sad bastard.

This is a tricky one. I'm not sure there's much there to be honest.. and we all search people up sometimes (past friends etc) just out of curiosity. Recently I looked up an old friend (male) just to see what he's up to and if he's okay. Nothing more to it. I'd keep an eye on it and see if he searches her up again and then maybe bring it up. It definitely doesn't seem like he cheated, though, which I gathered from the "thanks mate"

This I would let go. I search for lots of people on social media. Was looking up someone I had a crush on at 20 the other day, who messaged out of the blue last year and was passing through my city. We had a very sensible lunch. I couldn't for the life of me remember what I saw in him. Then looked him up on FB last week. It doesn't really mean much.

I'm going to say something unpopular. In long relationships and marriages it is unrealistic to expect both parties (NOT MEN, this is not excusing scum bag men who cheat) to never fancy someone else, or have a little crush. It would be utterly weird not to. I say this as someone who has been with the same man for 22/23 years. How one handles that crush, that is everything. If he initiated contact, mentioned them a lot, hung out with them, then I would be really upset. Looking at IG photos (to me at least), is fine. Particularly as long as he's being a good husband and a good dad and an equal partner in other ways. If he's not, and has his head in the clouds, and/or this is one woman now but that there have been many others before, or that he makes you feel insecure in plenty of other ways, then that's a different story. And that nuance about your marriage only you will be privy to.

The shopping is weird, do they think he's a rich older guy they can flirt with and he will buy them stuff?

Yep, he's definitely got a crush on her. What sort of bloke wants to go shopping with 2 women for god sake? Don't know what you can do about it but he's a totally selfish cunt making his wife, who has just given birth to his child, feel upset. Men never fail to amaze me.

This.