Feel let down by DW

[rkahic]

As all Facebook users do, constantly get suggestions for people I might know and groups, recently started getting these for two men who on looking had DW as mutual friends, nothing unusual in that , she has far more friends on fb than me of both sexes, but then noticed that one of the suggested groups has all three of them on and related to her birthplace, had a look at their profiles then and only thing in common is they all went to school together, then realised that one of them was her long term boyfriend and sexual partner from school, she’d been sending him messages and wishing him a happy birthday on this group, I know people look up old flames etc and it’s probably a complete overreaction but it really upset me that she did this, especially that she sent them during our first holiday away just the two of us since we got married, so, do I ignore it, keep an eye on the group to see how often they chat or ask her directly about it, I have no idea if they chat on messenger

What's your issue exactly?

I've got a bunch of exes on my Facebook, as has DP. We'll wish them a happy birthday, or send the odd message etc. If the relationship breakdown wasn't horrible, then they're just people we used to know, like a friend we've lost touch with.

Sometimes we see them in the pub or around town and have a chat with them, and that's fine too.

Just because I talk to someone occasionally, it doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to hop into bed with them. Either you trust your partner, or you don't.

Sounds like you don't, in which case why do you want to be in a relationship with them?

I have an ex on fb. We occasionally like each others pics and have messaged in the past. Usually about our kids. That it. End of. Probably the same for your wife.

I’ve never had any reason to not trust her, still don’t really, I don’t think she’s doing anything other than talking ,guess it’s just a bit of annoyance that she did this during what otherwise was a really enjoyable first holiday just the two of us in many years, she’s never, to my knowledge contacted any of her exes before this and her relationship breakdown with him wasn’t exactly good from what she’s told me of it.

Is there any reason why you've been looking at these profiles and groups?
Are you worried that your wife is doing anything wrong?
If the answer to that is no, then you need to take a hard look at what you're doing. Is this really the kind of marriage you want, where you're digging into her friend list and reading the messages she's sending to old friends in public groups? It sounds controlling and obsessive.

You either trust her, or you don't. If you trust her, then behave accordingly.

I wouldn’t worry. I have been divorced for years and still send and receive happy birthday texts. It means nothing. Please do not worry about it unless you have any other reason to worry

And given that you had no idea about any of it until after the holiday, why do you feel it's negatively affected the holiday in any way.

It doesn't sound like she was sat on her phone the entire time, messaging another person. You'd likely have noticed that at the time and addressed it then.

It sounds to me like you were expecting her to think of nothing else but you for an entire week away, which seems a little self absorbed.

she sent them during our first holiday away just the two of us since we got married

I mean, unless you spent 24/7 staring deeply into each other's eyes, you probably checked the weather, or football scores, or news, or MN. Saying Happy Birthday takes about 1 second.

You’ll get lots of cool cats reeling and saying you are being UR. It does not matter what others think. The decision about contact with exes should be discussed and agreed between you.
FWIW I would not like this, but it’s my personal opinion based on others lying to me by omission in the past. Is she usually open about her friendships?

No reason other than they constantly cropped up so I guess just got curious as to who they were, not names she’d ever mentioned

Thanks for that, I expected to get slated for the post as that’s generally what happens when a man dares question anything about his partner, yes she’s usually very open about her friendships

So she sent one quick message, possibly whilst you were on the loo or getting dressed and suddenly it's tarnished the only holiday you've had together? That's not healthy.

Did I ever say it affected the holiday?

My exs are exs for a reason no way would i add them on fb.
Then again i dont have fb.

I have a few of my exes on Facebook including my exh (and his wife), my ex who I did a lot of travelling with in my late teens/ early 20s and my current partner. And then a few other exes I dated for a while.

tbh I haven’t been with my new partner for very long but I would be really surprised if he had a problem with it or we even had to have a conversation about it. In fact I would be mortified if I found out this was a problem and he was checking up on me, that is not the kind of relationship I want. I should imagine after a few years he would also end up with my Exh and his wife on his page too.

The only ex I have blocked was abusive and used Facebook as a weapon. Went through my friends lists and accused me of having affairs. TBH I would either ask you wife or I would get over it, I don’t think stalking is the way forward and it may all be very innocent.

It's always "cool wives" or "cool cats" isn't it.

There's nothing wrong with having the occasional chat with an ex. There's nothing wrong with not being bothered by a partner having an occasional chat with an ex either.

There's also nothing wrong with having boundaries about such things, as you do, as long as they're communicated clearly, and both partners are on board with the boundary.

But OP has decided to create a boundary and get upset about it without even talking to his girlfriend about it. How's she meant to know that he is uncomfortable with her saying Happy Birthday to an ex, unless he tells her first. At which point she has the right to either accept that or say "Nope, not for me, I'm out."

You said ",guess it’s just a bit of annoyance that she did this during what otherwise was a really enjoyable first holiday just the two of us in many years"

Which suggests that its tainted the holiday for you.

If it's not about holiday, I'll repeat my initial question. "Whats the issue exactly?"

Do you feel disrespected? Or that she still fancies this person?

What is actually making you feel upset over your girlfriend typing "Happy Birthday" to someone over facebook?

Thanks, that’s really what I wanted to know, should I just tell her and ask her why rather than just making an issue about nothing, oh and for clarity, she’s my wife and has been for some considerable time, not my girlfriend

Your tone is a little snippy @rkahic

You're asking for advice, MN is notoriously plain-speaking so that's what you'll probably get here. There are other places if you want people to agree with you and not offer anything constructive.

FWIW you can talk to your wife. But if DH told me he'd been doing some deep-dive into my socials to look for offence, I'd think that was a him problem not a me problem.

Yep, sorry. I did see that it was your wife initially, and then got mixed up with another thread.

The fact that you're married complicates things slightly, because this isn't a relationship either of you can extricate yourselves from easily.

So you can ask her why she felt the need to message an ex, and then when she says there was no real reason, it was just a catch up, you can ask her not to speak to her exes any more. If she's happy with that, great.

But if she's not happy with you placing limits on who she can and can't communicate with, then you have a problem that isn't going to just go away.

Which is why I've been asking you why exactly this bothers you. Because if you can identify that, then you can decide whether the conversation is worth having. And if you decide it is, then you'll be better armed with an actual reason other than "I just don't like it."

Yes just ask her.

I agree with comments about it being a boundary for you that she’s not aware of. Rather than fall down a spiral of checking on Facebook, just ask her. From the sound of it, it’s not something she’s given to much thought too. She may not even remember commenting.

They probably showed up for her in the same way they did for you, under suggestions. Or she popped up in their suggestions and they sent her a request. Nothing to suggest she sought them out.
If the messages are in public groups where you've been able to see them she's not hiding anything. Plus I'd say exes are even less of a worry than new friends would be; unlikely she'd want to revisit, they're exes for a reason!

I've got quite strict boundaries around 'secret' messaging etc, but a simple Happy Birthday posted in a public group wouldn't bother me at all. What is it about this that has upset you?

Sensible advice because in all honesty I don’t know exactly what bothers me, we’ve always been very close and know who we are friends with, I’m sure she just saw his name on this group and said happy birthday, I suppose I was interested to see if, in other peoples experience, it’s something best stored under “don’t be bothered it’s of no consequence” or not

I think this also comes down to how much minutiae of your lives you share and whether or not she is deliberately hiding this communication from you. Many things can happen in a day but if you then get home and have children or life admin to see to it might just be a forgotten thing rather than a deliberately concealed thing. I think Facebook does tell you it's someone's birthday though so she might have received that as a notification and just fired off a happy birthday.

I think it's a bit early to get upset about it. It's all depends on your wife and your relationship really.

Some people are fond of their exes, but it doesn't mean they want to get back with them. I can understand why you found it unsettling though, especially if it's new behaviour.

I absolutely could not get upset in the smallest way about a partner of many years wishing a long-ago ex happy birthday on a public social media group.