Anyone else relate - constantly monitoring others feelings due to mother

[Tiredofthewhirring]

My mum (single parent) is extremely emotional and obsessed with her feelings. Growing up I was constantly monitoring and managing her feelings, hoping each day would be a day she was 'ok'. I remember endless times of her coming into my room from age 11 or so and crying to me about her relationship problems (various boyfriends, all perfectly kind to me but not very good to her long term). A very chaotic chikd where I grew up much too quickly,

As an adult I am stuck in this pattern. I watch the moods of my children constantly. Also of my friends and team at work. I desperately need others to be ok. I'm rarely relaxed, unless my kids and partner are all upbeat. I feel responsibility for others moods

I'm tired of it. Any tips to break free? Get more balance?

These days relationship with mum is distant, I continued being very supportive and managing her moods until my own DH died when my kids were tiny and so I basically pushed her away to avoid being dragged down. I feel guilty for being a bad daughter and not seeing her or talking to her more but now I feel more free.

She is fundamentally a good person. And a wonderful grandparent, she just has this enormous blind spot.

Counselling. You need professional support to deal with the past and to learn about installing boundaries for yourself and others. CBT might be good for this.

@TipsyJoker
For sure. But interested in others experiences in the interim

Ah well was cathartic just writing it all down!

It's called fawning.

My counsellor talks to me a lot about it. I had a similar childhood.

Completely understand. My mum was very unpredictable and had rages. I spent my childhood monitoring her moods and trying not to trigger her. She also used to ask my advice on her problems when I was 12.

I suffered awful anxiety and hyper vigilance. I was constantly monitoring other people's moods and trying to placate everyone. I never knew what I was feeling and put up with lots of bad behaviour.

When I was in my mid 20s after an horrendous relationship, I had therapy and for the first time in my life, someone focused on me and my feelings. It was very uncomfortable.

I finally had CBT in my 30s which helped, learning that I'm not a mind-reader was a revelation. Mindfulness helped, and I've had other types of therapy since: psychodynamic and Gestalt.

@candlewhickgreen

Thank you so much for responding. That definitely gives me ideas to think about

@MoxFulder

Thank you, will google that

I appreciate that but it’s really irrelevant because your experience is unique to you. I understand you want to connect with others but really, getting professional support would be of the most value for you long term. Maybe you could read some books on boundary setting in the interim. Best of luck. I hope you fell better soon.

I went through very similar as a child and with my dad who was always angry and had a short temper, I spent the majority of my childhood walking on eggshells. I'm now in my 30s and riddled with anxiety, people pleasing, hyper vigilant, hugely rejection sensitive. My mum leans on me for support with her anxiety and at times I feel like I'm the parent, I've ended up trying to distance myself because I cannot pour into someone else's cup when mine is already empty. I've tried speaking to a couple of therapists but still haven't found the right one. No advice really but I completely understand!

Thank you @laurageee

The feeling like the parent bit is roof isn't it

It makes me feel quite resentful, my mum is constantly seeking reassurance from me about pretty much everything in her life and it just makes me think, what about me? Who have I got to reassure me about things and tell me everything will be ok?

Like you I'm constantly very aware of my children's moods and I'm always on edge about something or other, it's an exhausting way to live

@laurageee

Exactly this!!

Would be so nice just to ignore the grumpy teen 😂