Ex messaged me then didn't reply?

[Stumped88]

Two weeks ago now, an ex of mine got in contact with me to say the usual.... That they're sorry for how things ended between us, that they hope I'm doing well and in a better place now and sending their love blahdeblah. I replied back to them and asked how things were with them as it's coming up to almost 10 years since we've last spoken, to be polite and also I was shocked I guess. This ex was incredibly abusive in various ways to me, for context. I just have been wondering these last two weeks on and off, why reach out to me after almost a decade to then not reply back? I have had other exes all contact and they always began a conversation and didn't send a message then vanish, so I feel a bit confused. If you reached out to someone to say sorry for how you treated them, if you were genuine, surely you'd not then vanish when getting a response back? I know people will say exes are exes and it shouldn't matter, and I agree, but I can't help feeling confused why they'd do that?

Your first mistake was replying, your second mistake was giving the headspace you’ve been giving to this now that he’s not responded.

• he was bored
• he was dumped and needed an ego boost
• he’s decided he’s a changed man and is doing rounds seeking forgiveness for his past self so that he can get away with it with clean conscience

I had option 3 in my life, agreed to meet up and listen to his apology. Turned out he hadn’t changed. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I bet he felt sooo good about himself afterwards (covert narcissist) and I ended up re traumatised. Chalk it up as an experience, block & move on.

Thanks for the tough love. I shouldn't have replied I know, it was heat of the moment being polite back but I shouldn't have even done that as look where it's left me. He was very much a narcissist for sure so I should have been more careful as narcissists cannot change

At this point I’d block him so you’re not left wondering if he’s going to reply or whether there will be another one of these out of the blue messages in future. He's shown you that he’s still a selfish prick and you owe him nothing. Don’t even worry about whether he’ll think he’s got to you if you block him etc just do yourself a favour and erase the man from your phone/mind/memory. He doesn’t deserve the headspace.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned. I’ve read that abusive or narcissistic ex partners will often engage in calling or messaging after a breakup to see if they can still exert control over the person they’ve lost.

For instance, imagine you end the relationship, and your ex begins to bombard you with calls and messages. You respond by saying, “Stop calling me, I don’t want to talk to you.” Despite this, they continue their attempts to contact you, and eventually, you might find yourself repeating, “I told you to stop calling me.”

In their distorted way of thinking, your response isn’t just about the words you use—it’s the fact that they’ve provoked a reaction from you at all. In their mind, the mere fact that you replied means they still have a hold on you, even if the interaction is negative.

Just block his number and don't give him any satisfaction responding to his messages.

Source - socioxp.com/the-narcissist-keeps-contacting-me/

My cynical view: He copied and pasted that message to all his ex’s and is now messaging the one that got reeled in first.

He might be back in touch in a few weeks if that one doesn’t go anywhere.

Thanks for the link, I'll have a read of it. I definitely feel now thinking on it that it wasn't genuine. When people come forward to make amends years later, maybe I'm wrong but it's very rare they send a message and don't want to reply to subsequent messages. I feel this was disingenuous, as I said in my pp other exes or friends etc who have contacted me out of the blue always have had a line of conversation happen. I get the vibe he was scoping me out. I'm an idiot for replying but I suppose it's another of life's lessons

You need to block - it stops you taking anymore head space if he is actually going to reply ..

He has opened up old wounds .. time for you to take control .. it doesn’t matter how he is .. not your problem in reality .

Stop giving this abusive man your valuable brain space. He doesn’t deserve it. He just wants to see if he can reel you back in as an ego boost -and it looks like he can. He’s not going to marry you. Block and move on.

I have blocked now, I don't want to give him anymore headspace than it already has and deserves. The responses here have been an eye opener as I wanted advice but didn't want to bombard my family and friends

I have blocked him now, and I certainly don't want to marry him lol. I just was responding to previous posts. Honestly, I know he isn't worth my time

Women are often socialised to be kind.
So as soon as a man says he's sorry, and it sounds remotely heartfelt, we rush to make it ok.
It's not your fault.

He's a massive twat.

Yeah agreed, he's definitely a twat lol. It's clear from his actions that all these years on, he hasn't changed one bit. I blocked him yesterday, the replies on here made me see sense 🙂

Well done.

Mumsnet is great at a swift cold water in the face and a 'snap out of it, woman!' moment.

If this man was abusive towards you, then I wouldn't have wasted a text in replying back. I certainly now wouldn't be concerned that he hasn't replied. If he does reply back, don't engage. It could be a ploy to try and reel you back in, and he's using mind games.

I know, I honestly don't know why it bothered me so much. I just found it strange I guess. I am considering asking my GP for some counselling as clearly there's still old wounds inside that need closing