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Original poster

What to do when your sex drive is different to your partner's?

9 replies

Ncagain41 · 27/08/2024 06:59

I'm 41, he's 44. Married 10 years, kids 9 and 7.
My sex drive just isn't very high. When we first got together we were at it like bunnies, like I imagine most couples are at the start of a relationship. Kids came along, it dwindled a lot but has since improved now they're older. However, DH is horny all the time, he thinks about sex all the time, but I just don't. I'd say it's usually once to twice a week and when we do have sex it's great, I always think how we should do it more, but life happens and I'm always tired or just don't think about it.
He rarely initiates it, because if I say no it gives his self-confidence a whack. Yet he doesn't want me to say yes and do it just to please him. He wants me to do it because I really want to. So it's up to me to initiate it and I often don't because it doesn't cross my mind / or it does because I know he wants to but I'm not in the mood.
I do sometimes get really horny and I'll jump on him at the first opportunity. But he really focuses on the times he tries to start it and I say no (despite there being lots of times I do agree!) and it always eventually starts a conversation about what "the rules" are when it comes to sex. Why is it always on my terms. We go round in circles, because he doesn't want me to have sex just for his sake, yet I don't always want to so I want to be able to say no without feeling bad, yet if I want to have sex then he says yes because he's always up for it...so that makes it always on my terms! I see his point, but I just can't get it through to him that I just don't think about sex constantly, the desire isn't permanently there like it seems to be for him.
Everything else in our marriage is great. Just to add - it's not that I don't find him attractive, I do, I'm certainly not hunkering after other men. I know he adores me and fancies me, that's not an issue. I just can't magic up the desire that he wants me to have.

OP posts:
Box24L · 27/08/2024 07:43

I’m a woman but my husband is just like you are. I’m the one who wants more. He’s basically said (this weekend actually)the very same thing you’ve just said in your post - he just doesn’t think about it as much as I do.

However, he thinks once every 8 weeks is enough and queried the other day why I wanted sex again when we had it two weeks ago!

I feel really sad about it. And I’m not happy.

TipsyJoker · 27/08/2024 07:46

Is he doing his fair share in terms of household duties and childcare? If you were less tired, you’d prob be more up for it. Why are you so tired? Is it because the mental load of so high for you? It seems everything is your responsibility, including initiating sex. His inability to handle the occasional rejection is putting all the pressure of sex onto you and he is swanning about waiting to be asked and taking it when he can. No pressure on him at all. It’s a two way street. I would be having a look at what you do for the family and home and what he does and making sure the chores, running of the household, childcare responsibilities are on an equal footing and then tell him if he won’t at least initiate once a week, you’re not going to and he will get no sex. Tell him you need to be pursued too. Getting sex a couple of times a week in his 40’s with children isn’t actually that bad. Some people have dead bedrooms by this stage, especially if the wife is perimenopausal too.

TipsyJoker · 27/08/2024 07:47

Box24L · 27/08/2024 07:43

I’m a woman but my husband is just like you are. I’m the one who wants more. He’s basically said (this weekend actually)the very same thing you’ve just said in your post - he just doesn’t think about it as much as I do.

However, he thinks once every 8 weeks is enough and queried the other day why I wanted sex again when we had it two weeks ago!

I feel really sad about it. And I’m not happy.

Is he a porn user? It could be that he’s watching too much and taking care of his needs himself and therefore not coming to you. Also, send him to the GP to get his testosterone levels checked because they do decline in men and it can affect their sex drive.

Original poster
Ncagain41 · 27/08/2024 07:50

Box24L · 27/08/2024 07:43

I’m a woman but my husband is just like you are. I’m the one who wants more. He’s basically said (this weekend actually)the very same thing you’ve just said in your post - he just doesn’t think about it as much as I do.

However, he thinks once every 8 weeks is enough and queried the other day why I wanted sex again when we had it two weeks ago!

I feel really sad about it. And I’m not happy.

I mean, once every 8 weeks definitely isn't much, but it's good to hear from the other side of the coin.
Does it make you feel like he doesn't love you? Or do you miss the closeness that you can't get from anything other than sex? I'm trying to understand why it's such a big deal and understand how he thinks.

What does your husband say when you tell him you're sad about it?

OP posts:
Newmum738 · 27/08/2024 07:51

It's difficult! Definitely me in my relationship. Several reasons but I think the biggest is that I feel more like having sex in the daytime - when we have woken up or before an afternoon snooze so big in bed and feeling relaxed. Our 6 yo puts paid to that!

Original poster
Ncagain41 · 27/08/2024 07:56

TipsyJoker · 27/08/2024 07:46

Is he doing his fair share in terms of household duties and childcare? If you were less tired, you’d prob be more up for it. Why are you so tired? Is it because the mental load of so high for you? It seems everything is your responsibility, including initiating sex. His inability to handle the occasional rejection is putting all the pressure of sex onto you and he is swanning about waiting to be asked and taking it when he can. No pressure on him at all. It’s a two way street. I would be having a look at what you do for the family and home and what he does and making sure the chores, running of the household, childcare responsibilities are on an equal footing and then tell him if he won’t at least initiate once a week, you’re not going to and he will get no sex. Tell him you need to be pursued too. Getting sex a couple of times a week in his 40’s with children isn’t actually that bad. Some people have dead bedrooms by this stage, especially if the wife is perimenopausal too.

Until recently I have been a SAHM so did the majority of housework and childcare, it's always worked fine. I then worked 3 days a week and from September will be full time school hours so we've already said he'll be doing much more than he currently is.
I'm a bad sleeper in general, always have been, and that definitely doesn't help as I just want my bed at night! But even when I do sleep well I just don't seem to think about sex / desire it. It's not that I think about it and think "oh god I really don't want to get naked with him", I just simply don't think about it. So I don't initiate it .

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 27/08/2024 08:13

Ncagain41 · 27/08/2024 07:56

Until recently I have been a SAHM so did the majority of housework and childcare, it's always worked fine. I then worked 3 days a week and from September will be full time school hours so we've already said he'll be doing much more than he currently is.
I'm a bad sleeper in general, always have been, and that definitely doesn't help as I just want my bed at night! But even when I do sleep well I just don't seem to think about sex / desire it. It's not that I think about it and think "oh god I really don't want to get naked with him", I just simply don't think about it. So I don't initiate it .

Show quote history

Make sure he’s doing more. Maybe you could look into having your hormones checked to see if your perimenopausal as this can affect your libido. See a medical herbalist and have them write a herbal script to balance out your hormones and help you get a better quality of sleep.

SensibleSigma · 27/08/2024 08:20

He could consider thinking about it less…

What triggers it for him? If he stops indulging the thoughts, they may reduce a bit. Dwelling on feeling horny is a bit unproductive. If this was being hungry when it wasn’t dinner time, he’d probably have a tactic to manage it.

You could try a schedule you can both look forward to- like probably on Saturday afternoon while the kids are at Grannies or similar.

Coz97 · 27/08/2024 09:15

Thinking about sex "all the time" doesn't sound too healthy either.. does he watch porn? I have a high sex drive and recently would like sex most days, but I don't think about it all day and can go days without it. There has to be some kind of balance. Plus, does he not realise he can take care of himself when he's in the mood and you're not?

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