Hi All
please I am desperate for advice. Can’t speak to anyone as may get judged.
i was married for 11 years to a man who was violent, controlling, abusive. I had 2 children, tried so hard to make my marriage work but in the end I separated.
during my separation I met someone on fb who worked with me in my early 20’s so it had been a good 25 years. We got talking and it turned out her was also separated and was going through something v similar to me and we clicked. He had 2 kids too. we decided to meet for a coffee as friends. I was not attracted to him and I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I just wanted to be able to chat to someone who understood my situation. We chatted for a while and we grew closer and soon it became a relationship. He was v understanding and was really quite nice to me. After a few months he started to ghost me, this man had no empathy or emotion at all. I would sometimes feel like I was with a dead soul. He would disappear like i never existed. He would ignore my calls and attempts to contact as I was just confused of what had happened. He would return after a week or so like nothing had happened after making me chase him. I didn’t recognise myself. I was in love with him and wanted him. He talked me to start my divorce proceedings as I had put this off as was too scared of what my ex husband would do. Anyway I filed for the divorce as this new guy said he wanted things to become serious with us. My divorce caused me hell and back, lost my home, loss off finances etc. he also said he was getting a divorce and his was started before he met me but was taking time.
our relationship continued, he only had one friend and his family in his life. This one friend he had had a wife, but unhappy.
as our relationship progressed he would keep ghosting and reappearing after I’d chase him. During this time i became v isolated and lost all my family and friends whilst he remained v close to his. All I had was my 2 kids and him. Whilst he was with me he disappeared to Thailand for 3 weeks (twice) with his friend without telling me. Then many other holidays ,All v secretive. During the hols all contact would be cut with me. Then he would reappear. I ended up unwell in hospital for an operation, he was supposed to take me to the hospital but didn’t show. He cut me off throughout this time, then reappeared. When he would reappear after me chasing he would be great to me again for a few months, then bang again ghost at the ghosting times would get longer.
during this time I found out his only friend was gay and he was leading a secret life with other men. He denied his friend was gay, I don’t know why because I have nothing against gay people. He would also express how disgusting gay people are and should burn in hell. He would say how he hated gay people.
All my birthdays were ignored but 1 in 7 years, he never saw me on Christmas as this was ‘family time’. I would spoil him on his birthday.
if he was unwell I would nurse him better.
during the time together he used every excuse in the book to avoid the marriage topic. Then out of nowhere of being together for 5 years his family turned against me and also started abusing and stalking me. I couldn’t understand what I’d done. He then used them as an excuse and said he couldn’t marry me until his family accepted me.
over the years he built a relationship with my kids but I was never introduced to his. His children also abused me in public.
the disappearing on holidays with his friend continued without telling me. After 7 years of him disappearing with his friend again on my birthday I had enough and told him I couldn't take this anymore. I asked him if he was gay and he made me feel stupid and said I would burn in hell for saying that. Then I ended it all, told him how much he had hurt me. He sat and smirked, he did this often if I ever got upset or frustrated. What got me was he was saying vile things about his friend for a month before disappearing with him saying how he hated him and wanted him out his life to then disappear with him. On Valentine’s Day this friend would always send him valentine messages such as you sexy beast.
it’s been 3 months and iv not heard from him. I blocked him on everything. I just still feel v hurt and attached to this person who nearly destroyed me. It’s been so hard for me. I can’t make sense of the whole situation. I saw him once and he tried to smile but I ignored him. Other than that, nothing. Will I ever get past this? He seems to have got on with his life without a second thought, why am I still trapped in this?! I feel so stupid but I couldn’t get out, it’s like I was obsessed.
please can anyone help me understand what was it all, I have lost so many years and I don’t want to waste anymore. This is just a snippet of what he put me through. 😥