Is this normal - LTR

[BertandErnie95]

HI All

Married nearly 20 years, two teenage kids. Both work full-time. Equal share of chores/parenting.

As the children have gotten older and more independent I have realized DH and I don't really spend much time together. In the evenings, we NEVER sit and watch a film together, or watch a show. He will be in his "man Cave" playing his playstation or watching his own thing etc.

I will be sat in the main living room, watching TV or reading, whatever. In the beginning, this didn't faze me too much, I suppose, as I thought it was better than him being out at the pub or always out with the lads.

We do go out together on weekends occasionally for meals out, events, social activities etc.

Lately, I am beginning to wonder if "this is it"? Or if there should be "more to our relationship". I'm not sure. Are all long term relationships like what I describe?

For all intents and purposes, he's not a bad guy, I'm not sure if maybe I am wanting or expecting too much. Be kind or please move along x

How much sex are you having?

I think it's easy for marriages to fall into a rut or drift, but it doesn't mean there's anything fundamentally wrong with them.

Why don't you have a conversation with your husband about how you'd like to do more together, and make plans to do so?

Long term relationships take effort; if neither of you are putting in any effort it will feel stale, but a little bit of energy can turn things around quickly.

I think this is very normal.

But it’s clearly bothering you so you need to talk to him and try and do some things together some evenings.

(Married 15 years here and dh and I sometimes watch a film together but mostly he watches some god awful series he’s into and then I fiddle around on my phone and then go to bed)!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Couple of times per week. No more or less than usual.

@CheekyHobson I agree, a LTR takes effort & maybe we have just fallen in a rut.

@Pigeonqueen Thanks for your input.

I will have a chat with him. He wouldn't have a clue I am feeling this way. I think I'm just feeling "unseen" or maybe not like a "priority". He is pretty receptive when we chat & he listens and takes things on board. I just didn't want to mention anything in case I was over-reacting. Thanks All

Nearly 20 years here. It wouldn’t be normal for us to spend that much time apart every evening. We’ll usually have dinner, watch some TV together and then I’ll go to bed and he stays up for another hour or so reading or listening to the radio.

Obviously we have our separate hobbies and sometimes work commitments in the evenings, but otherwise we spend the evenings together mostly.

I don’t think ‘normal’ is always a terribly useful way of looking at things though. I always say that good relationships happen when you find someone whose weird matches your weird.

If your set up works for you then relax and enjoy it. If you are feeling a bit lonely in the relationship then you need to say something.

Ask him to come and watch something with you, get a few picky bits and say I'm going to put a film on later and want you to come and watch it with me.

@BertandErnie95 He will be in his "man Cave" playing his playstation or watching his own thing etc. I will be sat in the main living room, watching TV or reading, whatever.

I had a 10 year relationship like this, and it died for lack of sustenance. There was no conversational engagement at home. Just us doing different things. The only place where communication could take place was if we were out together. He avoided going out, while I was always saying 'let's go out' desperately so there was a chance of a conversation.

Me and DP will generally sit together in the evening twice a week or so and watch TV, but the rest of the time we tend to spend our evenings separately unless we're going out somewhere.

But we do make time for each other at other times of the day, maybe sat in bed together before sleep, or while one of us is making dinner, or a quick call over lunch. To be honest, if we spent all evening together every evening, we'd run out of things to talk about pretty quickly!

But if you want to spend more time with your husband, tell him! Suggest a board game night once a week, join him on the playstation, start a hobby together or just go out for a drink more. It doesn't matter if anyone else on here thinks its a big deal or not, you need to find what's right for the pair of you.

@RogueFemale This is what I'm afraid of. The kids will soon fly the nest and I am worried once it's just the two of us we will have nothing to talk about, no shared goals or common interests.