Marriage is dead

[Unhappydadx]

I’ve been married for 20 years, have two teenage kids.

My relationship with my wife has been ebbing away for years, now there is no intimacy and we haven’t made love in over two years. She has no interest in sex, according to her this is what happens when you get older.

We went through marriage counselling twice and sex therapy but nothing has worked, it just delayed the decline.

last year my wife lost her job and she has done very little to try and find another, this has just added to my frustration.

I’m so fed up, so unhappy and all I can think is that it is time to end my marriage and be happy again but I know this will cause major hurt and upset. I haven’t talked to my wife yet because I know once I do it will be the beginning of the end.

I feel cheated and frustrated, this wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I just don’t see any alternative.

This isnt entirely fair at all, sex and intimacy is a huge part of a relationship.

OP I think you need to speak to your wife, explain every thing you’ve put here and go from there. Yes their might be hurt, however you can’t go on being miserable forever can you?

'Sorry OP but all the talk of sex makes it look like it's all about a lack of sex. You'd be best off posting on a more male orientated forum.'

What a shitty answer.

Yes OP it's fine to air it here of course but you should speak to your wife as it doesn't sound like you can go on like you are.

@Unhappydadx - sorry you are going through this. I have been with my DH a similar length of time and whilst it hasn’t been anything like two years for us not to be intimate - if I am honest, I am miserable at the moment and sex is the last thing I want. I can’t see that changing anytime soon.

I can tell this upsets DH but I am angry and resentful over a lot of things in our marriage - I can’t just ‘forget’ the issues and enjoy time in the bedroom! Broadly, I think there is some truth in that men use sex to feel connected, but women have to feel connected in order to want sex!

I am sure other factors come into play for your wife (job loss, hormones?) - they do for me but it’s really the resentment that kills my desire. Not trying to blame you but just saying how it is for me, maybe try to have an honest and open conversation with her, and things might change?

What a spectacularly crap answer. There's a good five threads on this board every week from women who're unhappy with a lack of sex in their relationship.

Menopause, hormones, pissed off with you, no intimacy, you dont contribute around the house , many things it could be. Ask her how you can improve to get the intimacy (not just sex! back

What a load of rubbish

I understand your frustration and sex isn’t the only issue, but it’s an important one. People do grow apart and you have both clearly tried to see if the marriage can be rescued. Perhaps your wife also wants to remake her life on her own. Please think of how to manage this for your children

Thanks to all posters, except the obvious one!

it’s not all about sex but it is about intimacy and actually it’s really the disconnect that is there. I have tried so hard but I think we’ve reached the point where I love her but I’m not in love with her, as cliched as that sounds.

frankly I’m terrified of what comes from leaving, for myself, my wife and my kids but I’ve come to the conclusion that in the long run everyone will be happier.

Im so unhappy now that I can tell it’s affecting how I am at home and that’s not good at all

Tbh OP i think you dont want to resurrect the relationship and you want someone to confirm that you should leave her. Be honest..you don't want to stay with her do you...if she changed completely tomorrow and went back into having sex with you...willingly and showing intimacy, i think youd find something else about her you don't like.

Get legal advice about getting out, especially as she’s stopped working. You’ve tried, it sounds like you’ve really tried with various therapy etc. You’re already upset, upset is an inevitable part of divorce, don’t let that stop you trying to make a better, happier future.

Because there are never any women on here contemplating ending their marriages over a lack of sex 🙄

They’ve had two lots of counselling and sex therapy. They’ve talked about it so let’s not rush to blame the man because he’s a man.

But has he listened? Counseling, therapy, talking...all well and good if done right...but if not?.
I think OP wants to leave but doesnt want what comes with that...leaving kids etc. he needs to be honest...i want to leave but don't know how to. Its obvious hes emotionally left the marriage no matter what his wife may do now.

Have you considered telling your wife during therapy?

Some people use it to navigate their separation

And yes you are going to throw a bomb in your lives so you better be prepared.

We have been having this problem- men think a lack of sex is saying you don’t love them, women, as we get older, may find sex more uncomfortable or we’re just tired (dh would be working late and get into bed 2 hours after me at about 1- my body is dead by 9!!!)

Dh said men equate sex to love and there was nothing I could say that would convince him but I think we’ve VERY different hormones to you!!

On the looking for job thing I’ve been looking too and I’m sure it looks like I’m not but nobody gets back to you nowadays and tbh when you have kids the woman is generally the one with less choice as she’s thinking about school pick ups, the kids having someone there in the evening etc.

hope I’m not projecting but it’s just it’s where we are too. I was saying what it comes down to is do you love her? I’m pretty sure my dh has fallen out of love which- my heart feels like a weight in my body and I’m crying daily on it. That might mean we can’t go on but with you two I think if you still look at her and she makes you smile, or you want to look after her, you can still have conversations or there’s even the possibility that you could be happy together you should start talking again. Just sit and talk.

You might think you’ll be happy again’ but really? Both of you having to split time with the kids? Nobody to share your day or laugh at things on tv with? No support?

Sex is important to a relationship, and unless both parties are in agreement to a sexless relationship, or there is some medical issue which a partner is supportive of, it indicates the relationship has become platonic, and the OP didn’t sign up for a platonic marriage did he? So the lady who made the comment about going on a male forum, as though all women are disgusted by sex and expect a man to be miserable without sex or he’s just a sex pest ( and there’s a number of women like that on this forum) maybe just don’t respond instead? OP have you asked her why your relationship is now sexless? Have you got to the root of it? I think it’s very normal for you to feel “not in love” when the sexual aspect of your relationship is no longer there. Have you expressed to her how miserable you are, and asked her why she doesn’t want a sexual relationship? If you do, please refrain from having the “not in love conversation”, just try to get to the heart of what is happening. When someone feels neglected in a relationship and the void between partners is wide enough, temptation can come in from other sources- please address this and do not let yourself end up having an affair. Please make a clear cut decision about this relationship and try to work it out first. I don’t mean to offend you by saying this either, it’s just a common scenario that plays out. People end up making mistakes and realising they did after all love their spouse, but by then it’s too late to repair it.

It will be difficult but you need to have a conversation with your wife. Do you think it is possible that she feels the same ?

I was in a similar situation years ago and it was horrible.

20 years is a long time married so any changes will come as a shock. The conversation about the future is important. Maybe opening up will give you both a chance for change. Your wife may welcome this conversation or be completely agitated, but it is something you need to broach .

What age are you both ? Do you have a social life together?
Your teenagers will need reassurance that you are both still there for them , whatever you both decide.

@Unhappydadx when you say it wasn't supposed to be like this- is your wife mid to late 40s to mid 50s because to be honest it does happen with many women- certainly did with me- I appreciate it's not always the case at all but it is for many women- problem is men don't have a massive hormonal change at that point- she may well be feeling demotivated generally- be it the job market, a husband who to be honest seems to have checked out somewhat, hormones all askew-then again maybe she can't stand your guts but doesn't want to disrupt 2 teens education and hence - we simply don't know and can only see it from your angle- therefore I think you are going to have to bite the bullet- if no sex isa dealbreaker then you need to be honest and tell her - if not getting a job is a dealbreaker be honest about that too- get it all out there - it may change something from her angle or she may understand it has to end-

what an idiotic response