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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm a 31 women who cancelled her wedding last year after a 6-year relationship with my ex-fiancé (33). Since then, I've been struggling emotionally and feeling like I'm just existing in the shadows. What should I do?

16 replies

Sophie2030 · 26/08/2024 16:54

I had a beautiful relationship for 6 years with my best man and soulmate. We lived together from the first days of our friendship and now everything has turned upside down. I am now 31 and he is 33.

3 years ago at a party, my childhood friend, whom I know and get along well with for more than 12 years, confessed that he has loved me since school and that I am the love of his life, that the strangest thing is that I thought the same about him a long time ago in the past, I wrote in my diaries , but I never in my life thought he felt the same way, nor would I have thought (except in my dreams). This confession was followed by a couple of meetings, which led to the very fact of one-time sex.

After that incident, I couldn't tell anyone about it, I destroyed my own values of being faithful, because before I used to judge people who do that, I couldn't understand how others could act like that, and all my life I believed in love like in a movie. I didn't tell my boyfriend what happened, I tried to go through everything on my own and cut off all ties with my childhood friend. I lived like this for a year until my boyfriend proposed to me next year, it was the most beautiful time and the most beautiful experiences, last year we planned our wedding, which in the end I canceled myself and we broke up, even then I couldn't tell the fact why, because I didn't want a man to walk down the altar with a woman , which was unfair to him.

After our divorce, my childhood friend heard about that and we were in contact and few meeting after that, he was saying all this year he was thinking just about me and he want to have life with me, and I know that he is amazing person and man, but still I decided to stay alone and make no one happy here.
At the end of the day after all the cancellations, I was having possibility to leave innocent here and create happy life with other person, but I not wanted to be like everyone that lying and one time in my life I wanted be honest with all people and get my values back. I decided to burn myself and say true to my ex-fiancé, even knowing that all the people will know that I am not that great person that everyone though I am. My fiancé all that time was blaming himself for this, but reality was that everything was my fault, so I wanted to say him the true.

After some time now I can't stop thinking about my ex-fiancé, I really love him madly and the shadows of my past and that one mistake ruined my life. Now I told my man the whole truth and I don't know what to do next, not sure if it possible to return to a relationship after such a chain of events. I read a lot of articles, I went to church, I did a lot of things to psychologists to help myself, I just feel that I no longer have my values and I feel like a worthless person, I feel like I killed someone, and the most painful thing is not because it hurts me, but because, that I hurt an innocent person whose pain I would like to take with me. I am not sure if I can ever be happy in relationship after story like this, even other people saying I am still good person and I done other great things in my life, I still feel I can’t help myself to feel like I worth nothing more in this life. I need to get back to life and not sure if this is possible to have beautiful ending here. I want to believe that everything is possible.

OP posts:
Dery · 26/08/2024 17:29

@Sophie2030

This all sounds very painful and difficult.

Believing in love like in the movies is a mistake. Life is not a movie; movies are unrealistic. Unfortunately, it was this belief that allowed you to get sucked into your school friend’s unhelpful “love of his life” nonsense. You were someone he felt very strongly about. That is all. Most of us have several people we could love very much and make a lifetime relationship with - as evidenced by the fact that you were deeply in love with your fiancé. There isn’t just one person for us. But it’s hard not to fall for that kind of language when you’re younger. It can be very powerful.

We can’t put back time but I wish you’d posted before you’d called off your wedding. I think your romanticism caused you to take a step which caused you and your fiancé huge pain and distress unnecessarily.

Everyone makes mistakes. Some people would have recommended that you tell him. Then at least he could have decided whether or not he could get over it.

Others (including probably me) would have said that, if you were satisfied that you weren’t going to be unfaithful again, then you could have carried the guilt of what happened yourself.

People fuck up. People make mistakes and do bad things. God knows I have. It doesn’t make them bad people. You can’t change the past but what you can do is learn from it and move forward. Chiefly - learn that life is not like a movie and love is not like in the movies.

And of course you deserve to be happy again. You fucked up. You’ve experienced the consequences of what you did. You’re learning some very painful lessons. But painful lessons are often very useful in the long run. Know that you deserve to be happy just as anyone else does.

newyearsresolurion · 26/08/2024 17:51

Stop punishing yourself it wasn't meant to be! Learn to love yourself first before you love others. You don't need to be in a relationship with anyone. You can be single,sort yourself out, find happiness within yourself. Good luck!

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 26/08/2024 19:23

I think you need to understand why you cheated on your fiance in first place. Was the relationship not that amazing or do you need a constant rush of being admired, because that gave you a kick, or made you feel valued or maybe you wanted to explore a 'what if'.
I think whatever happened was for the best- you may not have been the best fit for your fiance to begin with and spared him a lot of upcoming pain by messing him around more.
Now focus on yourself and find happiness without a relationship. You seem to think you can only exist in a relationship and your whole value is tied to a man. It's not the case.
Seek therapy, find hobbies, be happy, because without this the history will only repeat itself.

Taytoface · 26/08/2024 19:24

Is it just me getting AI vibes here?

1984Winston · 26/08/2024 19:27

Taytoface · 26/08/2024 19:24

Is it just me getting AI vibes here?

Me too

Hollythedogwalker · 26/08/2024 19:35

How can you be divorced if you didn’t go through with the wedding? I think the AI needs turning off and on again!

Dillydollydingdong · 26/08/2024 19:35

What should you do? Forgive yourself!
No great harm has been done. Nobody died.
So you had a one night stand with someone you weren't engaged to! So what? It's only sex.
Concentrate on yourself and as a pp says, it's not necessary to have a partner to be happy, so don't hurry to get one. Slowly, slowly...

Dwappy · 26/08/2024 19:42

Hollythedogwalker · 26/08/2024 19:35

How can you be divorced if you didn’t go through with the wedding? I think the AI needs turning off and on again!

I noticed the "divorce" thing as well. Would have believed it up until that bit. Either AI or the person making it up forgot they weren't married.

Sparklesandbeer · 26/08/2024 19:46

Dillydollydingdong · 26/08/2024 19:35

What should you do? Forgive yourself!
No great harm has been done. Nobody died.
So you had a one night stand with someone you weren't engaged to! So what? It's only sex.
Concentrate on yourself and as a pp says, it's not necessary to have a partner to be happy, so don't hurry to get one. Slowly, slowly...

I dare you to go and say this to cheated on women on the boards here

Anonym00se · 26/08/2024 19:48

Taytoface · 26/08/2024 19:24

Is it just me getting AI vibes here?

The ‘divorce’ after cancelling the wedding that never was made me wonder if it was AI.

Apologies OP if you’re not a robot.

Uricon2 · 26/08/2024 19:48

So inconsistent, so flowery.

Sophie2030 · 26/08/2024 19:56

Anonym00se · 26/08/2024 19:48

The ‘divorce’ after cancelling the wedding that never was made me wonder if it was AI.

Apologies OP if you’re not a robot.

Sorry, everyone. I first wrote this in my own language and then used Google Translate to translate it into English, as it was easier for me. We ended our friendship, not a 'divorce.' In my language, the word for separation simply means a split, not necessarily related to marriage.

OP posts:
Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 26/08/2024 20:05

Dillydollydingdong · 26/08/2024 19:35

What should you do? Forgive yourself!
No great harm has been done. Nobody died.
So you had a one night stand with someone you weren't engaged to! So what? It's only sex.
Concentrate on yourself and as a pp says, it's not necessary to have a partner to be happy, so don't hurry to get one. Slowly, slowly...

Amazing double standards here, yeah, sleep around, just dont tell and it will all be OK!
If your partner cheated on oyu would it also be 'no harm done'?
Oh sorry, forgot on mumsnet it's only bad if men cheat.

beenwhereyouare · 27/08/2024 03:25

REPORTED

beenwhereyouare · 27/08/2024 03:25

REPORTED

Bananalanacake · 27/08/2024 08:35

Sounds like you moved in together too quickly, as you said you lived together in the first days of your friendship. Give it a few years before moving in with a boyfriend, you need space.

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