Do you know if someone is flirting with you

[Cannotforgiveorforget]

This relates to Husband of many years and a colleague who I didn’t like the sound of from the start. starting with her sending photos of herself to my husband, he told me, and he didn’t shut down, in time he sent photos of himself to her.

Thought I knew what was happening by reading messages, he commented there was nothing to hide and, read his messages. it seemed very much led by her, although I do wonder if he just deleted his messages. I did find some comments by him that really upset up. Largely it has been her, (unless he deletes stuff, although then chat wouldn’t make sense , so I am inclined to think it’s her, she is very gushy and OTT. I recently found out she has another phone she messaged him from where she says love you, miss you, amongst other things of adoration and how great he is 🤮. He doesn’t reciprocate but he doesn’t shut it down either.

Things seem to have changed since I’ve lost my shit and said I can’t accept that behavior. He claims it’s stopped…. And shows me texts now devoid of vom worthy comments from her for a bit. They are creepy back in again though. I am so angry and sad, it’s taking over my life.

He is looking for other jobs but it means a big pay cut and so he won’t leave his job,
which means I am stuck in a position of trying and wanting to believe him but I can’t. His protestations seem like lies to cover up that he enjoyed the experience.

I have ok days and days where I’m so angry and upset I want to cry and scream.
His explaination is that he didn’t see her behaviour as flirty. He just works and ignores it, it means nothing. He doesn’t and has never interested.

I confided in a friend who says no smoke without fire - so im asking for a wide open point of view. He’s lying isn't he? He knew she was flirting. And let it continue because he enjoyed it.

What does that mean for us though. It’s really messing me up.

He needs to just block her number. Or change his number. Job done.
totally understand the frustration- been there (though not as bad as your scenario.
It’s disrespectful to you that she messages him. It’s disrespectful to you he didn’t shut it down ages ago. Tell him today - If he is serious about shutting it down he needs to block her number or change his. I’m guessing there’s nothing ‘urgent’ work- related about these exchanges so it won’t impact his work if he does this.

It actually sounds like he's being sexually harassed. So the way forward for me, without having to quit, would be to bring it to HR.

I think he sounds like a willing participant I’m afraid as he’s sending pictures back and doesn’t see this woman as flirting with him, @Cannotforgiveorforget you need to lock this down asap as I can see it’s affecting your mental health and your relationship with your DH. He actually needs to leave or block her or ask her not to message unless it’s work related. This kind of behavior always makes me feel sick to the stomach as she is already impacting your relationship in a negative way. I think you are reasonable to be upset no doubt about it as there’s things you can’t see like their interactions at work ect. It would drive me to distraction,

@Cannotforgiveorforget I think your post would get more input if you got mn to retitle the post. Always very very helpful to get as many opinions and advice as possible. Best of luck x

Assuming he is innocent of real-life cheating (so far), he's redefined 'flirting' to mean whatever they weren't doing yet. Use different words - being sexually provocative and/or emotionally intimate, for example. Be as specific as possible in as many ways as possible.

What were the photos like?

I also think the sexual harassment point's a good one. While it's true that neither of them could probably make that claim stick because it's reciprocal, you can point out to him that he is encouraging sexual harassment here, and could even be accused of it himself.

What's his reason for persisting with this dangerous game?

Men enjoy attention and flirtation. Married, in a relationship, single, they all won’t turn it down from a semi attractive woman as long as it’s ‘harmless’. This sounds like it’s gone beyond harmless though - ‘I love you’?!

Is this woman a senior? If so, it’s a bit more tricky, but in any case, your husband needs to tell her the advances are unwanted and not allow contact again. Just stop replying to anything she says, and be ultra professional.

Does sound like sexual harassment by her unless there’s more than meets the eye. Unfortunately men are usually unwilling to come forward and hope to ‘sort it out in their own way’…

The guy at the BBC who was doing this just lost his job. Block her.

so I am inclined to think it’s her, she is very gushy and OTT

Sorry it's ALL him. Anything she does is irrelevant if he would refuse to look at it and put her in her place.

All he has to do is block her number and it stops. Interestingly, he hasn't done that. Your husband likes the attention.

Your DH is in a terrible situation here if this woman is a work colleague, she could make up all sorts of accusations. It might be worth pointing that out to him, this woman could be setting him up for a big career fall. Moving job will be nothing to what a complaint of SH to HR can do to a career, even if he isn't sacked his promotion prospects will be canned for a long time even if he can prove he is entirely innocent.

I would make screenshots of every discussion and image sent between the two and keep them safe just in case. If she is the one being OTT and he is not then you will at least have something to hand over if it ever goes down to that. Crossed fingers that it is not but he needs to see that he could be being played for a tribunal payout to his colleague from his company and him losing his job anyway.

I hope of course that the above is not the case and he just needs to stop responding to her, but the option for her to complain is there, he has enabled it and very occasionally people do set up a gullible colleague for these things.

As for the phrase no smoke without fire, doesn't take into account incomplete combustion!

Why hadn't he blocked her? If it really is all her why not shut it down.
If he keeps in contact with her anymore I'd say it's a deal breaker. She's saying 'i love you' to him, and what's his fucking response???
He's in the wrong. He's not stopping it and could well be having an affair, emotional or otherwise.
Ask him how he'd feel if a male colleague bombarded you with love messages?

Men can be stupid and get embroiled in situations like this but I feel that he should know that this was not appropriate. He is being disrespectful to you by allowing these messages to come from another woman. As others have said too it can have a backlash in the work place. He needs to close this down and make this clear to her . I hope for his sake she's not going to go crazy on him and threaten to reveal messages that you may not know about and try to create trouble.