I have a friend (32M) who often tells me that I'm (34F)making our friendship complicated whenever I ask him to clarify his vague comments or point out how his words don't match his actions.
HERE IT GOES
The other day he said out of nowhere he wanted to call and or hangout that night to talk after about over a month of him asking for physical distance, but I couldn’t because I had a very important meeting, so instead he briefly texts me about what’s going on with him, one of his friends from college, (funny thing is he never mentioned about any of his other friends, I’ve never heard of them, he’s told me once that he burn bridges a lot for no reason and that he’s trying to change that bad habit) then proceeds to tell me that everyone who knew the friend that died now wants to reach out to him and get together, but he sounded completely disdained by the sound of it, he then lets me know he was going through a lot, and the passing of his friend affected him, I honestly don’t know in what way because he didn’t even mention how close he was to the person or how it was affecting him, he just said it makes him look at mental health different but it made no sense because when I asked him how differently he didn’t even know……
Okay remember when I said he said he was going through a lot, well a few days ago he said he got into a minor car accident again (one was as recent as May was him being a jerk not letting another car in the lane coming out of a gas station and so his jeep side step thing ended up damaging the side of the persons car, person got out and threatened him, they called their people and the guy ended up extorting $500 from him rather than going thru insurance) being aggressive on the road, he almost fought someone on the way picking up his kid from daycare last Thursday , how he almost threw coffee on someone he was arguing with earlier in the morning, then he got into it with his father and cousin he’s currently living with. He said everyone around him is trying to fuck him but I believe I got the taste of the real him that he shows everyone and to why he burn bridges. So because he was going through all of this he wanted to talk and catch up and talk.
Now me thinking he was calling to talk about this to vent and talk about his friend and how he’s feeling, as that’s what friends do and to ask for advice …. NO … that wasn’t the case here … he called the next day saying how he was having fun, and never knew that all the chaos and being aggressive could be so fun, but just the other day said he was going thru a lot of crap. He was goin on and on and he tells me how incredible I am, and how he appreciates my patience with him and that I’m like a best friend, then ask me how I’ve been, let me first say that me and him had a situation where he had hurt me and it devastated me, he apologized but I felt it was half ass, I’m a person that’s very deep so when he ask how I’ve been, I’m updating him that I look at the pain (he caused) differently now, it was something I never felt before but I’m a believer of everything happens for a reason to help people in life to grow and learn, before I could finish my sentence he cut me off and say “oh no you’re getting all in this emotional stuff, I’m gonna let you go, I gotta go eat, I just got home and I’m in the middle of the street and I just got home from a long day.” I would thought with common sense he would’ve gotten home and take care of himself, shower and eat and then call me instead of calling me just to rush me off the phone as if I WAS BOTHERING HIM. I WAS SO SHOCKED of this behavior! I said “hold on why are u being like that” his response was “oh you’re talking about this and you’re upset so I’m
Going to let you cool off” …. I was nowhere near upset, I was doing work for my business by the way on the computer so he wasn’t the only
One who was taking time to speak over the phone, I was in the middle of marketing and setting up new ads for new products while checking emails and reaching out to suppliers and my models, when he called me. He asked me a question and I’m answering it with encouragement especially since his friend passed away, letting him know not all pain is meant to be bad and break you down but to build you up. This dude STRAIGHT up cut me off and was telling me that I’m upset and he’s going to give me time To cool Off, and rush me off the phone. Like who DOES THAT? I was so turned off I also said goodbye kindly.
I couldn’t let that slide feeling disrespected so I sent him a voice note the next day stating to him how I won’t put up with that kind of rude behavior. He listened to it and didn’t respond, cool, I wasn’t mean about it or anything in the note I just said that what he did was rude and I won’t tolerate it. He never responded. I got a phone call from another good friend who’s running a charity for Back To School, long story short, her and her hubby started this since 2021, she called me to see if I know of anyone who needs help with school supplies, babysitter, tutoring and help with the cost of daycare. Well since my guy friend he said he was looking for daycare and they’re so expensive and he’s having issues with how expensive they are. I put him on the list of one of the persons to call to send out to this charity and plus whoever I invited were going to get bonuses like shoes and apparel for kids. I called my guy friend and immediately before even saying anything he once again jumped to conclusion telling me what he’s currently doing, okay cool, I asked him if he heard my voice note and told him not to feel like I’m criticizing him or attacking him but what he did was just foul, and I want no animosity or resentment towards him so I express how that made me feel, he said that he was still processing it because it was intense …. (What’s intense about telling you that you’re rude and need to cut that out or else you’ll lose me as a friend?)
Anyway I told him I’m inviting friends to a free event. All of a sudden the physical distancing is back in effect, he didn’t even let me explain what the event was for or even ABOUT, he said “ you should just invite someone else” I’m like what? Then I went about to ask him what is this physical distancing about? He said, “so it doesn’t make anything complicated when he peruse other interests (like girls)” I’m like wtf dude I’m not attracted to you like that! “Finally I now understand what you meant by it the first time because you were never clear on why you kept on doing this, first you said you do it because sometimes you get into your emotions and want to be alone and push people Away, and now it’s to peruse women and not making things complicated” PLEASE REMEMBER THAT HE CALLED ME WEDNESDAY NIGHT ASKING TO HANG OUT, DRIVE AROUND AND SMOKE TOGETHER. Anywho before I could even tell him about the event and let him know that I WASNT GOING TO BE THERE. This man started talking over me aggressively and then hung up on me! All because I call him out on him backtracking and changing his story, that’s when he tells me that I’m making this friendship complicated and if that’s what I’m going to do don’t ever contact him again.
I’m feeling exhausted and confused by his behavior. While I’ve tried to be patient, I’m starting to think he might have deeper issues, possibly ASPD or BPD. I don't know what to do anymore and am questioning whether I did something wrong.