Partner expects me to clean up after him

[GardenPosie]

I'm starting to feel more and more like my partner expects me to clean up after him. We have been together for eight years and lived together for four.

We can both be reasonably messy, and we live in a renovation project so the house is always some level of mess and it's hard to keep on top of everything.

My partner gets annoyed by the mess reasonably often and complains but I'm starting to think he complains to make a point that I should clean up, including after him.

I am a carer for my Dad who lives 2 hours away and so every second week I'm usually away for two or so nights.

I have been trying recently to make the place tidier though and spent most of yesterday batch cooking and tidying the kitchen.

I seem to spend a reasonable amount more time than him cleaning up.

I do clean up after him and put rubbish he's left lying about in the bin and put dishes he's left lying about in the dishwasher. He possibly does the same for me but I can't say I've noticed.

Last week he opened parcels and left the rubbish lying all over the sofa so I put it away, he regularly leaves rubbish from parcels lying in the hall which I put in the bin for him.

This morning there was a big pile of his stuff lying on the floor in a doorway and it was so wide I was struggling to step over it without standing on his stuff so I asked him to move it.

This turned into an argument because I didn't move it for him when I "'could've just moved it".

I cleaned the kitchen again yesterday and have just left all his mess and I'm refusing to touch it. I often clean up his stuff when I'm cleaning up mine because I forget what I've left and what I've not. But since Im tidying up after myself all the time at the minute I know this stuff is his.

I am expecting if I don't tidy it up I will be made to seem unreasonable.

In the room I'm renovating at the moment, which is going to be my office, he opened a big box today which had a new tool in it. He built the tool, then moved it to another room, and has left the big box and polystyrene etc. If I don't bin it, I expect it will sit there until I do. What should I do? Should I ask him to tidy it next time I want to do something in that room where I need it out of the way, how should I position this so it doesn't turn into an argument, and is it really unreasonable of me to ask him to tidy up mess he's left?

Again, I am not perfect and I do leave mess around but I am happy to admit I do and I don't expect him to clean it up after me.

I am struggling to work out the best way forward if his behaviour is actually problematic because it'll likely just turn into an argument. I do not want to get further into the trap I'm already in though of tidying up after him too much. He obviously doesn't realise that I actually already do clean up after him and I think he doesn't have any concept of how much I do. To be honest, if I tried to tell him he'd probably poo poo it.

So I just want to understand how I can suss him out to either try to get him to work with me, or decide if in time it's best to end the relationship. I don't want to not be valued, and worst, be actively told I should pick up after someone else rather than ask them to move things. He points out mess to me I've made so it also seems pretty hypocritical. It's a shame as in other ways he's a great guy but I feel disrespected and like I'm on this merry go round of having to silently clean up some things after him or it becomes an argument which never gets resolved.

Do not have circular arguments.

Definitely don't have DC with him until this is resolved.

I used to be with a guy like this. In my experience it doesn’t get better - if anything it’s likely to get worse. My life is easier since he left.

Thanks both. There is a circular arguments thing going on here it would seem!

It is difficult because I can also be quite messy, and it's hard to keep on top of things because we're both busy / tired. Sometimes he is genuinely right to be annoyed at the mess I've left but then he leaves a mess as well. And he doesn't ever spend a day at the weekend tidying the house. He's only cleaned the bathroom once, because I asked him to, he was annoyed when I asked and didn't do it to the same standard I do. When we moved out of our last flat, we had separate bathrooms and mine was spotless and his was disgusting because he actually didn't clean it once. I cleaned the whole place when we moved out and I couldn't get his bathroom properly clean in time because it was so dirty and the letting agency mentioned that. Mine was spotless. To be fair we shared the use of the shower in his bathroom but his toilet and sink were not very clean. And even then he would probably argue with me that he's not the problem!!

He had stuff piled up recently and I stood on it to reach something else. I thought it was clothes but I actually stood on something of his and slightly damaged it. It wasn't an expensive, irreplaceable thing and I genuinely thought it was just a pile of clothes I stood on and I apologised for standing on it. So perhaps he is also annoyed about that still. But then this time I asked him to move his stuff? I feel like he thinks I'm being petty but I don't think he realises that frequently picking up other folks stuff actually takes time and he doesn't do the same for me.

Part of me things if I can be practically perfect and then sure all the mess is his, I can point it out then frankly tell him I won't be cleaning up after him, so he can moan all he wants or take some responsibility and clean up after himself. The other option is to find someone else who is happy to be his mother or be blamed.

Ah sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I am in the same situation. I clean up after my DP constantly and I'm not particularly messy so I guess that's slightly different. I do all of the household chores but whenever I have brought up being unhappy about it and him leaving things behind him he turns it back on me too for whatever small thing he's had to clean up. It's really shitty feeling like someone's slave and I do feel after a while it turns into resentment. I think it will become a delabreaker for us, along with a few other issues, as we just can't communicate properly to resolve it which sounds like you might feel it's hard to communicate too. Sorry not much help but in the same boat

That sounds very familiar @Skyehigh! Sorry for your situation, it can be frustrating. We are somewhat lucky as this doesn't come up all the time for us but like you said it can breed resentment, particularly if it feels like things go unsaid and solutions aren't able to be reached over a period of time. In my mind I can hark back to other times something similar has happened and it builds frustration.

From what I've read it sounds reasonably common. Doesn't make it any less frustrating though!

It's so hard when you try to talk about something someone else is doing that's bothering you and the focus is turned back onto you. We had a similar argument a while ago where he was angry at me for the mess and I mentioned all the many things I was doing for the house at the moment that we're a priority and he said "what do you want, a medal" thrown at me. He completely failed to see the point that we were overwhelmed with renovation work and tidying the house wasn't a big priority for those first couple of weeks. And even within that, some of it was his mess. He struggled to handle the stress of moving and I think to some extent I ended up in the firing line because of that.

But I've realized sometimes I end up in a vicious circle of trying to please people. E.g. they moan, so I try to fix the problem and they moan anyway or then they find something else to moan at me for.

Op, you have come to the right place for getting a straight story. You will be receiving all kinds of helpful perspectives here shortly I am sure, from the strong women of MN!

May I be the first to tell you that your intuition is absolutely right. This man is disrespecting you in a serious way and is trying to control you by manipulating your feelings. He may be kind to you at times but his behavior is abusive and anything but kind.

Your only chance, if you believe this relationship is salvageable is to put him to the test and step up and defend yourself. Every. time. he. disrespects. you. Tell him calmly to pick up after himself. You are not his mother or his servant.

You must stop being a doormat and being obedient to his every need. Where is your self worth ? Why are you allowing him to treat you with so little dignity? No relationship is worth destroying your self respect. He does not respect you and probably never has or ever will.

I confess i haven't read all of your posts but this jumped out at me.

When we moved out of our last flat, we had separate bathrooms and mine was spotless and his was disgusting because he actually didn't clean it once. I cleaned the whole place when we moved out and I couldn't get his bathroom properly clean in time because it was so dirty and the letting agency mentioned that.

And he has not changed since then. He won't change because this is him, a filthy, lazy, selfish man. You have two choices - accept your job is to clean and tidy after him all the time or start planning to leave.

Btw my stbx was like this. It got to the point he expected me to pick up his snotty tissues where he left them, and to clean up his biscuit/toast crumbs and dirty socks he scattered throughout the house every. single. day. If I asked him to do it he just shouted me down so I stopped asking. I was trapped with two children and it's taken me twenty years to get to this point of leaving (finances). Don't be me, leave now.

Thanks both

I will say that he does do some housework and when I tidy up after him sometimes it's because im loading the dishwasher and will look around the house for other dishes to fill it, so he doesn't do absolutely nothing but it's his attitude that feels very one sided when he is grumpy about something. For example if I make dinner etc he will say thank you and he does put dinner on for us as well. But I do think I do more than him and he gets annoyed at me if he has to do more or if I ask him to do something, and he also then sometimes gets annoyed if I leave a mess so sometimes I feel like I just can't win and that I have to be perfectly tidy all the time so when he's annoyed at me I can more easily put my foot down. I will be interested to see if he complains about the mess in the kitchen now it's definitely only his mess, and I will be interested to see if he blames me.

When I cleaned the old flat myself it was because he was doing major renovation work in the house on his own that I didn't have the skills to do, I was making the point that his bathroom was so filthy rather than that I had to do the whole thing myself because he was too lazy, just to clarify.

He is generally a lot lazier than me though, something he admits to! He also had a lot of problems with his last housemate and used to moan and get really angry about the mess in their house. However, every time since I've been to his old housemates house, it's been extremely tidy so I don't know if that's quite telling...it became quite a passive aggressive situation between them and if it's the same situation between us there really nothing I can do as he can only see what he wants to see.

However, there have been times where he has been angry at me and gave me really dirty looks and stared me down. And also times where he has basically made unneccesary negative comments to me when he's been in a bad mood. Like nit pickig what I'm doing or telling me I'm doing something wrong but being really disparaging about it. Almost like he's trying to make a point. There have been occasions where I have went to another room to cry because I've been sick of it and if I cry in front of him he'll probably get more annoyed and accuse me of turning on the waterworks which I think he did once before in an argument but I struggle to remember. One time I was able to show him his behaviour and he apologised and he has been better since then, but that's the only time he's ever apologised to me for his behaviour, whereas Ive apologised to him quite a lot. Often he says it's ok though and that I don't need to apologise.

Thanks for the advice @Whataretalkingabout. I am going to try to stand up for myself like you said. Part of the problem is, I can be quite snarky if I'm annoyed and that can escalate situations. So sometimes there is a bit of a dynamic of that. But it doesn't change the fact that problems go unsolved. I do think there is a lack of respect. And potentially also a lack of trust, I'm not sure he trusts me as he thinks I'm coming from a bad place. Again, my tone probably doesn't help sometimes.

@Pixiedust1234 I am so sorry for your situation, that is awful. I am heartened to hear though that you are soon able to leave. Thank you for your advice and support. I am certainly going to keep an eye on the situation

Move it all to the floor on his side of the bed.

So it's not really about the cleaning as such but his anger. Funny how he was mad about his flatmate being messy but now he's moved out the flatmate lives in a tidy place 🤔

Please read all of this but in case you won't here is the main snippet based on your sentence
Again, my tone probably doesn't help sometimes.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/
It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.

It is OK to be sparky sometimes, OP. You are human too. Noone is perfect and do not let him make you feel that you have to be perfect in order to have permission to complain about his behavior.

Of course problems go unsolved because he doesn't want to confront his own poor behavior. Sometimes it is enough to just state what you are angry about and then let it go. It will sink in whether he responds or not and you will feel better for having spoken up.

Remember to only criticize behaviors and actions ( or non -actions ) and not him personally.

And when you have complained about his poor behavior don't let him turn it around on you with examples of your previous behavior. Tell him you are talking about HIS behavior and what HE does and to not change the subject.
Keep repeating your initial request -like a broken record- so he can't weasel out of it. He will certainly try.

Also be ready for him not to be happy about all these changes. He has trained you to be obedient and not to talk back.

You have to retrain him and it will be much harder now than if you had stood your ground from the beginning. But don't feel bad. This is a typical manipulative tactic of many abusive men and they are usually on good behavior at the beginning of the relationship.
Yes it us tough. He will be much better at it than you. See how much he has to gain and you to lose.

Keep writing for advice. You are strong and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don't ever forget this. ;)

You say should you leave him to find someone else to be his mother. Yes.

Think through the mental process he goes through. Here's some rubbish. It needs to go in the bin. Should I put it in the bin? No, I'll put it here so op can put it in the bin for me.

Would you ever in a million years do that? Obviously he doesn't do that step by step, but he has an assumption that it's better for you to do the job than do it himself. Which is a basic lack of respect for what your time on earth is worth.

If you're planning kids, don't. This is the kind of guy who thinks mat leave means you should do 100% of domestic stuff, then after that you just know how to do it better than him. Forever.

If you want to address it, I'd ask him what is going to happen with each individual mess, why he's left it out, and do NOT do it for him.

Clean up after yourself. If he says you are petty for not doing his then turn it around

A) he is petty for not doing yours
B) he is rude expecting you to do his
C) you haven't got time to run around after him as you are busy dealing with your own shit

Honestly? I couldn't have sex with a man like this.

He is vile, disgusting, nasty and a bully.

You need to take this very seriously.
Why are you wasting your life with a man who treats you like a skivvy?

Get out.

All I keep reading is he’s an angry messy slob who upsets you. Actions speak louder than words, trust yourself, this is the best thing you can ever do. Then leave.

Every single time you clean up after this man you are enabling his treatment of you.

You are his partner. Not his maid or housekeeper.

He is a grown adult who should behave like one.

You need to agree a way forward and if doesn't agree or stick to it then you know tfat your choice is a life of this shite or leave and find a real partner who respects you as an equal

I shared a house with 2 lads when I first got a job. One was always moaning about the other being messy & dirty. I did vaguely clean but was generally told to butt out.

When the clean lad left, the other dude moved his mate in, who was even more untidy. Things got pretty bad & the original bloke started to moan about the new bloke as time went on, it was quite the lesson in standoffs & balance of power.

The more you do, the less he'll try. It's pretty pointless really.

This will be your life forever if you dont leave him.

This might sound harsh but don't keep coming back on here complaining because you have been warned.

And certainly dont have children with him. Not just because he wont do anything to help parent them but because you will be subjecting innocent children into your mess.

He sounds like a bad tempered oaf.

Staring you down because you had a bit of a row about tidying up? What a massive overreaction on his part.

Being messy is one thing but I would be more concerned about his horrible angry attitude.

Do you have equal leisure time?

I would also tell him it puts you off sex when he expects you to clear up after him and also when he takes no responsibility for things as it makes you feel like he wants you to be his mother.

Definitely put your ducks in a row so you can easily end the relationship. Sounds like you may need to hang on there whilst you finish renovating.

Wow thanks so much everyone for your comments and helpful advice!

I think he just can't handle being asked or "told" what to do, but he's more than happy to tell me to clean up my mess! I also think he's quite biased and unfortunately ingrained sexism hasn't escaped him. I don't think he understands the concept of mental load either.

He did some tasks today off his own steam which again, he often does do, but when I asked him to help with something else I got a "why do you need me to do that?". Not in a particularly angry way but he made a few, probably unnecessary comments. Nothing nasty was said, more that he could've just got on with it or said sorry I really want to relax after work right now is that ok. I asked him to do two things which took a total of about 15 minutes 😃.

I've decided I'll keep myself right as I can't control him or his behaviour. He can do him and I'll do me, and if it doesn't work that way, then it doesn't work! Then I will use some of the above advice if he complains about his own mess or asks me to clean it. At least I'll be confident it's not mine.

Nothing you have posted suggests a partnership. A good relationship requires both partners to be supportive of each other, ie without blame or anger, and to have similar goals in life. Yours sounds more like resentful housemates. Why are you staying?