Am I making the right decision

OkPedro · 2024-08-25T16:06:31+00:00

I am one of 7 children. We didn't have a great upbringing. My parents died within weeks of eachother 10 years ago. I was never close to my siblings. We each have our own scars from our upbringing. I still thought we'd pull together when our parents died. Their deaths just showed how damaged we all are and we seemed to take out our pain on each other. As a result I don't talk to 4 of my siblings. The two I have a relationship with are very emotionally detached. I would say we are close but in reality the relationships are surface level. A lot isn't talked about and if any of us are pissed off with each other we just don't talk about it. I am a recovering alcoholic. These two siblings were a great support to me when I stopped drinking. I don't see my sister and brother that often but we met up yesterday with each other and our children. I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like an outsider. My brother's children are young and my sister's children are young adults. My sister's children adore my brother's children. None of them spoke to my children (15 and 12) it seems they've all grown close and formed relationships that me or my children are not part of. I feel so sad. The only family that I have and I've been pushed out. I want to just pull away now and leave them to it. I could talk to them about it but I think It'll be made into a joke and nothing will come of it. I'm not sure if continually trying to keep the relationship going will actually hurt my recovery in the long term. I don't know how to go forward with this

NoLidlNoJoke · 25/08/2024 17:25

How long ago did you get into recovery?

Could it just be that you haven't yet had time to build those bonds in sobriety?

Do your brother and sister see more of each other? Do you all live close to each other?

something2say · 25/08/2024 17:25

Hello. I get it, I'm sort of the same.

My thinking is that most of what went on is s far behind s now there is no sense in really getting into it. Therefore there is a lot of water under the bridge and a lot left unsaid. As a result the family relationships I have are fractured and not very good or strong, and probably never will be. I focus much more on other relationships I have now, where we are all functional and they know me properly and well.

I hear that you feel left out and upset by their children getting along so well - but yours haven't had the chance to get to know them so well. You could choose to engage more often and then your children would get to know them, so today's starting position of sadness would go away after a while. BUT that places your relationships with family under the microscope and that could cause trouble for you.

Whatever you decide with these relationships, I advise strengthening and leaning on your other friends and partner and your current support network, to remind yourself of who you are and how far you have come. The life you have built. To some extent you may never have that nuclear family to come from, but so many of us are like this, and it doesn't have to bring your whole life down.

Have you done any self help btw? I grieved each loss as it revealed itself (oh no here's another thing I feel bad about - let me get my journal and hash it all out) but family relations are not what they could have been - and maybe the whole healing will happen in the next lifetime and we do our best in this one xxx

Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 17:51

NoLidlNoJoke · 25/08/2024 17:25

How long ago did you get into recovery?

Could it just be that you haven't yet had time to build those bonds in sobriety?

Do your brother and sister see more of each other? Do you all live close to each other?

Thanks for your reply.
I've been sober for 2 years. Yes it's possible that I need to give it time in sobriety to build a bond with them.

My brother lives 10 minutes from me. My sister is over an hour away.

They see each other at least 3 times a month

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Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 17:55

something2say · 25/08/2024 17:25

Hello. I get it, I'm sort of the same.

My thinking is that most of what went on is s far behind s now there is no sense in really getting into it. Therefore there is a lot of water under the bridge and a lot left unsaid. As a result the family relationships I have are fractured and not very good or strong, and probably never will be. I focus much more on other relationships I have now, where we are all functional and they know me properly and well.

I hear that you feel left out and upset by their children getting along so well - but yours haven't had the chance to get to know them so well. You could choose to engage more often and then your children would get to know them, so today's starting position of sadness would go away after a while. BUT that places your relationships with family under the microscope and that could cause trouble for you.

Whatever you decide with these relationships, I advise strengthening and leaning on your other friends and partner and your current support network, to remind yourself of who you are and how far you have come. The life you have built. To some extent you may never have that nuclear family to come from, but so many of us are like this, and it doesn't have to bring your whole life down.

Have you done any self help btw? I grieved each loss as it revealed itself (oh no here's another thing I feel bad about - let me get my journal and hash it all out) but family relations are not what they could have been - and maybe the whole healing will happen in the next lifetime and we do our best in this one xxx

Thank you. Everything you've said makes sense to me.

I have a small circle now. Two good friends. And an adult niece. Obviously my children. I am a member of AA and they have been like family to me.

Its just the sadness of losing the relationship with my brother and sister. But then part of me feels I never really had a relationship with them so what am I losing really?

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something2say · 25/08/2024 18:36

Would you like to build the relationships then?? You could do that over the next few years? Slowly slowly catchee monkey??

You are losing hope and what could have been - why not try then and see what you can build?

NoLidlNoJoke · 25/08/2024 19:15

If I were you I might try and meet up with your brother in a month or so. It sounds like you've been through a lot and as you say they were a great support when you quit drinking, so it sounds like they care about you.

I think it's important to try not to compare too much. As you say they are both quite emotionally repressed so the fact their kids get on well doesn't necessarily mean they are super close emotionally, more that they have probably seen each other more.

However, I do think it's a shame they didn't encourage their kids to be friendly to your kids as it's not nice for them to be ignored at a get together.

I think if you want to try and build more of a relationship you could just try and meet up more regularly. But they may just be people who feel more comfortable with small talk and kind of 'surface level' as you say. I think quite a lot of people are happy that way.

Congratulations on getting sober and I'm sorry you have been through such a hard time. I'm glad you have people in AA who you can have those deep conversations with.

Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 19:38

something2say · 25/08/2024 18:36

Would you like to build the relationships then?? You could do that over the next few years? Slowly slowly catchee monkey??

You are losing hope and what could have been - why not try then and see what you can build?

Thank you. Yes I think I need to just digest what happened yesterday and go from there

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Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 19:39

NoLidlNoJoke · 25/08/2024 19:15

If I were you I might try and meet up with your brother in a month or so. It sounds like you've been through a lot and as you say they were a great support when you quit drinking, so it sounds like they care about you.

I think it's important to try not to compare too much. As you say they are both quite emotionally repressed so the fact their kids get on well doesn't necessarily mean they are super close emotionally, more that they have probably seen each other more.

However, I do think it's a shame they didn't encourage their kids to be friendly to your kids as it's not nice for them to be ignored at a get together.

I think if you want to try and build more of a relationship you could just try and meet up more regularly. But they may just be people who feel more comfortable with small talk and kind of 'surface level' as you say. I think quite a lot of people are happy that way.

Congratulations on getting sober and I'm sorry you have been through such a hard time. I'm glad you have people in AA who you can have those deep conversations with.

Thank you 🙏 I'm loving sober life

I'm going to sleep on it all and see how I feel in a week or so..

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Opentooffers · 25/08/2024 20:10

The answer is not to hide away further. You can't really expect your family to slot into theirs after years apart, building relationships takes time and only persistence will lead to improvement. Unless there is obvious dislike, rather than a case of just not knowing you and your DC's as well . You have to accept responsibility that the situation is as a result of your past choices.

Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 22:10

Opentooffers · 25/08/2024 20:10

The answer is not to hide away further. You can't really expect your family to slot into theirs after years apart, building relationships takes time and only persistence will lead to improvement. Unless there is obvious dislike, rather than a case of just not knowing you and your DC's as well . You have to accept responsibility that the situation is as a result of your past choices.

No the situation isn't because of my past choices. I think you have misunderstood. We haven't been apart for years. I regularly see this brother and sister. They have supported me in my recovery

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Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 22:12

Sorry that should say "We haven't been apart for years, but I don't regularly see this brother and sister however they have supported me in my recovery"

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mindutopia · 25/08/2024 22:20

Fellow recovering alcoholic here, not that that has any bearing on what I’ll say. I think you have all been through a lot of difficult stuff of many different varieties. Relationships take time and commitment and sometimes they just aren’t meant to be. You said you don’t see them often. Could you see them more? Individually, not all together, not only with children in tow.

Make time to get to know each other again. Relationships are different in sobriety. Build that up. If it doesn’t work, it may simply be it’s not meant to, and that’s okay too. But I think you need to start at a much more one to one level.

Original poster

OkPedro · 25/08/2024 22:32

mindutopia · 25/08/2024 22:20

Fellow recovering alcoholic here, not that that has any bearing on what I’ll say. I think you have all been through a lot of difficult stuff of many different varieties. Relationships take time and commitment and sometimes they just aren’t meant to be. You said you don’t see them often. Could you see them more? Individually, not all together, not only with children in tow.

Make time to get to know each other again. Relationships are different in sobriety. Build that up. If it doesn’t work, it may simply be it’s not meant to, and that’s okay too. But I think you need to start at a much more one to one level.

Thank you. Yes I'm thinking I might suggest meeting my sister just the two of us

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