My (25f) boyfriend(26m)’s mom got diagnosed with cancer two months into us starting to live together. what should i do?

[ThrowRAcaribbean]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we started living together a year and a half ago, because some plans fell through and thought it was the best option at the moment. Since we started living together it has been struggle after struggle, where we’ve seen differences in organization, cleaning, communication, sleeping habits, job schedules, nutrition, our sex, dating life and overall relationship satisfaction has been affected.

two months into living together his mom was diagnosed with cancer, and we’ve been affected by this, understandably so. i’ve tried to be a supportive partner and friend during this time but have to admit his action and/or inaction has been affecting our relationship. i’ve been communicating my feelings, needs and wants gradually as i’ve been finding out, reflecting and getting better at communication by being at therapy myself, i’ve also started taking care of my health and doing more hobbies to not focus solely on these issues since I understand the context of what’s happening, but my partner seems to be stuck.

i’ve suggested him to focus on his own health, talk with friends and his own hobbies, and i’ve also tried setting up thoughtful dates and outings consistently but nothing has changed, even when he tells me he will. it doesn’t feel right waiting for someone to change, especially under these circumstances, so when i admitted feeling like i have been abandoned, lonely and burning out he answered that in the moment he “didn’t give it thought cause he didn’t think it was that important” and that he’s going to start making the changes happen now.

this was two months ago. now that he’s made the changes, i have been feeling resentful because my brain just thinks he could’ve been doing this whole time. and i’m confused about sticking it out or leaving and focusing on myself since he still isn’t working on some major issues that still affect us. even when he has made these changes i’m not feeling like i think i’m supposed to feel in a healthy relationship.

what should i do?

TLDR; my (25f) boyfriend (26m) of four years and i’s relationship has been affected by his moms diagnostic since living together and he’s made changes recently even though the concerns were expressed since the start of cohabitation. what should i do?

Do you feel like you are compatible to live together?

truly, no, and then part of me is feeling like we haven’t tried enough

You are flogging a dead horse and I have absolutely no idea why.

All relationships start out fab, then you need to set out if you're compatible or not.

You're clearly not, so move on. And next time, don't waste so many of your wonderful youth years working it out.

Your MIL’s cancer diagnosis isn’t what’s stopping this relationship from working out how you thought it would. If you aren’t compatible you should consider going back to dating or splitting up. 18 months is a good try.

I don’t think his mum’s cancer is anything to do with it; you’re discovering you aren’t compatible.

That’s ok. It happens a lot. You’re both young yet. End it and move forward.

Just move on , life is too short . I’m not sure what his mums cancer has to do with anything . At 4 yrs in and living together it shouldn’t be this hard .

@Floralnomad has nailed it. You’re both still young. A relationship that’s going to succeed doesn’t require repeated discussions about needs and wants.

I think your BF’s mother’s cancer could be relevant here. Hopefully, it will be cured but it may have caused your BF to realise that life can be shorter than expected; or that your health can break down in ways you do expect. He may want to seize every opportunity now. He may feel he’s too young to make a lifetime commitment.