I am the sole carer of our 11 year old child. Ex has PTSD and health issues and has always been really hard to get on with - narcissistic traits, passive aggression and moods. Ex has genuine issues and receives PIP etc, had trauma therapy so it is not just him being an arse 100% - he has a very difficult background.
Our child loves to see their dad but all visits MUST take place at mine due to ex's poor mental health and inappropriate housing. I worry that he will kick off while our child is there as he can get quite verbally aggressive if he is under stress (which is mot of the time) so I oversee visits and allow visits in my house. Ex cannot reasonably plan daytime activities or do anything other than short very local excursions due to MH issues so cannot reasonably take our son out for anything other than occasional short visits.
I feel like I walk on eggshells in my own house as ex will frequently lash out when he is here. I will pass on a message from his brother (who has chased me because he's not responded) and he will shout at me that "I AM DEALING WITH IT OK!". I set a boundary about not appreciating being spoken to like that and it descends quickly into an argument where he denies shouting at me and accuses me of "starting WW3".
It follows a familiar pattern of abuse in that we have blow ups, periods of niceness then it all falls apart again.
He is either in good mood / bad mood and I am the one who has to bend over backwards to facilitate everything around his moods.
I try so hard to facilitiate a relationship but my needs are never respected and any boundaries are frequently invalidated / ignored and when I raise it I am told I am the one who is out of order in my own house. I do ask him to leave when things get too bad.
How do I balance the need of my child to see their father (who loves him as he has lots of nice days) with the need to maintain equilibrium and self respect?
I do so much pussyfooting around, walking on eggshells and when I ignore the behaviour and aggressive verbal outbursts there's a peace of sorts, which I tolerate for the sake of my child. If I dare to speak out on bad occasions I am framed as the bad one.
A contact centre would not work due to changing health issues and lack of regular availability. I am keen not to go the nuclear route but to find a way of operating within our existing arrangement that maintains better boundaries and respect.
Would welcome advice for anyone who has to operate within a similar situation or has ideas of how to cope?