Boyfriend says he used dating apps as a way to replace p*rn

[Restorativee]

I noticed the app on his phone and questioned him on it. we have been together quite a long time now, there’s been some problems but nothing as hurtful as this.

He said he goes on there because he is trying to cut down on his use of explicit videos. I’m gobsmacked honestly. He said it’s the fact he can see multiple woman and then just think about meeting them etc.

I think this is worse than actual cheating. I’m heartbroken I honestly don’t know what to do.

I’ve also named changed because I’ve posted before about him and don’t want them linked

You say you've posted before about him. I'm guessing it was nothing good.
Please just end it. Nothing good is going to come of this relationship. And if a woman on the app had given him the green light, he'd have been like a rat up a drainpipe. So he may as well be cheating!
I'm sorry, really But please don't be a mug over this x

This is really weird. I don't have a problem with a partner using porn in a moderate fashion but this is not ok imo, partly cos it's creepy - women are not on apps for this purpose - and partly cos if you're monogamous, you shouldn't have dating apps in use on your phone. But also it makes me wonder how he sees women more generally- if any woman crossing his radar is material for masturbation, idk, it feels like he doesn't recognise women as real people, and would worry me how he actually sees you. Basically, no.

Objectification of all the women. Nice.
Guess he leers at women on the street, too.

That is so ridiculous I can only imagine it is a lie he has done up with to try and get away with being caught out on dating apps. He seems to think you will but this rather than dump him for being a lying cheat.

Regardless of the reason it sounds like this one needs kicking to the kerb.

I think it's complete BS and he is cheating tbh

Sounds like total tosh to be honest OP. He's definitely attempting to cheat (if hasn't already). Cutting down on porn is a lame excuse, and if he reckons he's just looking at pictures of women and not messaging them then what would even be the point? He might as well get his jollies looking at people on FB.

He's lying OP. He's on a dating site because he's contacting women! And probably still looking at porn too. Get rid! And block.

You know exactly what you need to do, you just don't want to.

You need to dump this pathetic little man and stop wasting your life on him. He is never going to change.

You can find someone so much better than this lying toad. Throw him back!

Even if it was true (it isn’t) that’s appallling and creepy. Get him in the bin.

Unacceptable- there's no excuse. Hope you update saying your 'ex-boyfriend'.

I think your boyfriend is a liar. Ltb

He's an absolute pig, you know you need to leave him.

I counsel sex addicts and porn addicts as well as betrayed partners.

We see this lots. Its usually an escalation. It would seem he is aware he has a issue. For that he needs to take responsibility and seek help. Typically recovery can take 3 to 5 years and that usually only starts when that person has hit "rock bottom" a vast number never choose to change.

Right now for you. You can put boundaries in place to keep you safe. That might look like not seeing him for a while or ever again if you so choose, sleeping separately etc do you live together? Have your own home? Spending more time with friends family doing the things you love and being with the people that support you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Support for you- resources

Love after porn on reddit is a great group you can find wonderful support from women going through all the same things.
Human navigating betrayal on facebook

Helping couples heal podcast
Pbse podcast
Choose to be podcast
Omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
The laurel centre
The naked truth project
a betrayal trauma therapist is best for therapy
not any therapist will understand this.

For your partner/if they are open and willing although not your responsibility to aid his recovery he has to choose for himself.

He needs a csat/apsat no other therapist will understand.
12 step can only take them so far he needs to do a integrity recovery.
Pbse podcast
Your brain on porn book/ website
We reccomend a full 130 days no porn masturbation sex social media TV detox
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

@MightyGoldBear can you explain a bit more? Porn addicts will escalate from porn to fully clothed women on oLD? Just looking or contacting them?

Good excuse, 7/10 for originality.

Boyfriend and dating apps = Good bye

I'd be using dating apps to replace my boyfriend

🤷🏻‍♀️

Many people will watch a film or a tv show and find an actor or an actress attractive. They may even have the odd fantasy in their head about that person.

That's within the realms of normality.

Your oaf of a boyfriend is a piece of work and quite frankly it's pointless confine if the relationship as he's a dirt bag. Plain and simple.

You mean your soon to be ex boyfriend is using dating apps.

@MightyGoldBear I'm sure you mean well but the guy is obviously swinging the lead. He's been caught out, and is obviously practised at bullshitting poor OP!

It's an excuse because he's been caught on dating apps.

It's a crock of shit

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think there is any reason for him to be on dating apps, unless he is looking to date. He could view women on a multitude of apps, Facebook, instagram etc.

Instead he has chosen to use an app which allows him to communicate with women secretly, and also allows him to sexualise women based on their photos (which usually are not too sultry, a small portion are), which are all single and looking to meet someone - whether that he casually or for more.

Sorry OP, but I think you're being played. Please get rid, focus on yourself and building your confidence back up. He is lying to you. Ask him to do a lie detector - I bet his behaviour will change then. He'll probably start gaslighting then.

Take care x