After reading Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay and working with a fantastic therapist I've come to the decision that there is nothing more I can do for my relationship and I need to end it. We've nearly split before but he said he would change and I wasn't ready to let go, but I've faced facts that 1) he is who he is and 2) the relationship has never been great, 3) in tough times he will always put himself first and let me down. It feels like a relief to have decided and I know it's what people who love me have been tiptoeing around. We're currently living apart so it will be quite a simple split and we don't have mutual friends so we'll move on with our lives completely separately.
What's breaking my heart is that we nearly had a baby together. It was against the odds due to fertility issues so quite a shock but we both really wanted it. 12 week scan revealed missed miscarriage and I had ERPC (which he didn't take me to as he "hates hospitals"). It is likely the only pregnancy I'll have and I was devastated but pulled myself back together and mostly feel at peace with it, although I do think I'm grieving a bit. I've been holding onto hope we might get pregnant again but that's making me miserable. It's very hard to think that when I end it I might never see the father of my baby again. He's probably the only man that will coo over scan photos or talk to my tummy and I feel so so sad that I will lose that connection. We don't talk about our loss much but I really appreciate it when we do. In a week's time I might never see him again, yet I know I need to end it.
Hugs very welcome.