How do you convince child to spend time with her dad?

[Campari20]

DD is 6. Has EOW overnight for one night. Court ordered. Off the bat, her dad is abusive. He is to me and has been to her. DD is now struggling and rejecting seeing her dad night and day. Whilst I'd never force her to go I do have to be seen to positively encourage and continue to bring her to contact. I have listened to her reasons why she doesn’t want to go and encouraged her to be open with her dad. She has and he chose to gaslight her and ignore her and disregard her feelings. We're now at a point where she refuses to get out the car and becomes extremely distressed. I've asked for the matter to return back to court urgently but I'm worried about accusations of parental alienation. I do the journey and make her available for the contact. He does absolutely zero to convince her or reassure her to come. DD is now utterly refusing to see him at all and becomes very anxious when a contact weekend is approaching.
I am wondering what else I can do? I know people may say you wouldn't let her choose to go to school or eat vegetables etc but I never need to force DD to do anything or go anywhere. She's a really good kid.
Anyone else in this situation whom could advise?

Thanks.

First off, you made a mistake encouraging her to be honest with her dad. Her dad is abusive and appears to be abusing her too (likely in order to hurt you). Don't ask victim to supply ammunition to her abuser. If she talks to him about how he hurts her, he now knows what hurts her.

Secondly, WHY would you positively encourage her to spend time with an abuser? You are setting her up for the dynamic of accepting abuse.

That asside, telling her you are always there to listen is a good step. You need to be honest to some extent with her. 'I understand daddy is difficult. Know you can always tell me about it'.

NEVER tell her his unacceptable behaviour is to be excused. Never make excuses for it. Just: 'I'm sorry he behaved that way, you're right, it is not ok' whenever she expresses something hurtful he has done.

It is not parental alienation unless you are being hateful about him.

You need to stand up for your kid.

Personally I'd refuse to send her but that might do more harm than good so go back to court. Hopefully they will listen to her wishes too but she might not be old enough.

All you can do is drive her to his place at the court ordered time. It will be up to him to get her out of the car (verbally, not physically). If he gets angry with her I think I would be tempted to secretly record it. You won't be able to use it in court but your solicitor will at least be more aware of DDs refusal, and his reaction to her.

Don't say anything bad about him, but you can sympathise with DD if she does (as in " I know sweetie, I understand" rather than "yes, he is horrible isn't he").

Never encourage her to talk to her dad about her feelings. He is an abuser and will use this as ammunition to hurt her more.

Go back to court (as you are doing).

Sounds tough

Seriously though op it's a very pivotal age. You don't want her growing up think abuse is the norm and we have to excuse it.

"I know you aren't happy seeing dad. I understand. I wouldn't like to be treated that way either so I understand why you are sad. We will talk to the courts and try change it so you don't have to stay overnight, hopefully they will understand. In the mean time know that I'm always here to talk and listen'.

Validate her feelings.
Agree that wrong behaviour is wrong, don't excuse it.
Tell her you love her and she can always talk to you about anything.

Thank you this is all really useful advice. I do validate her feelings and listen to her. I've told her I'll never force her out the car to go when she's upset but I've said I will ask her father to come and speak to her. The last overnight attempt she wanted to speak to him through the car door window and vocalised why she didn't enjoy overnight contact and the things he's doing. He just completely disregarded her feelings and ignored her. It was so awful. I think I'm just worried as I've been threatened by the cafcass person we have that if I can't be seen to positively promote contact he can ask for a transfer of residence. I know it's a scare tactic but I've honestly done absolutely everything that I can to support contact. I've taken her to every single one and encouraged her to go. The one time she was forcibly removed from the car she kicked and screamed and ran away from him and back to me and threatened to kill herself. It was then I said I would never force her to go but will get him to come over. She feeds back really concerning things which I try to raise to him but these are outright denied and instead I'm told I have mental health problems. I'm just really worried firstly about DD and her emotional wellbeing and secondly about his accusations. I have done nothing to alienate him. I bring her to contact, I encourage her to go, I offered him summer holiday contact which he refused I turned up to contact when he hasn't bothered.. the list is endless. I think my worry is her rejection of him is likely to escalate if she's continued to be forced to go overnight. She mostly enjoys the days but she has spent the most recent day contact crying her eyes out for most of the day asking for me. I don't know how to make it better for her.

She has and he chose to gaslight her and ignore her and disregard her feelings.

Just be careful when returning to court because she hasn't said this at all.
This is adult language.

The courts do not prioritise victims of abuse at all.
You may have to be blunt with her even at her age.

A court have said I have no choice, I have to take you to him.

Personally I would start recording these handovers but not overtly. Use the recorder on your phone and place it upside down on the passenger seat, or better yet get a front and back dashcam fitted.

The thing is, if he got more contact ...he probably wouldn't bother his arse with it. Don't kiss that cafcass twats arse. Tbh I wouldn't engage with someone who I felt was threatening me.

Is he fuck going to go for full contact xD
He might do it just to hurt you but he'd a. Never get it. And b. Not take it if he did get it.

He can't be arsed taking her 1 day a fortnight. So the going for full custody bullshit is laughable.

'Her rejection of him will continue to escalate'. Good! She should reject him. She's right to reject him and you should support her in that. Hopefully by the time she is pre teen she will have cut contact with him herself. If you haven't managed to get her out by then.

Fuck bullies and oppressors who say we have to tolerate them. Just tell her to keep her head down for now and you're working to try get her out if these visits.

If she tells you anything aggressive or criminal he has done, go report it at the police station.

Did u report it when he abused her?

Yes. All reported to police and SS

Are you speaking to her school about it? Can you explore getting her play therapy?

Make sure to record all drop-offs. I would advise not to miss any, as failing to adhere to the court order could have serious consequences. Family courts are increasingly moving toward equal access, so any missed drop-offs could make things worse for your daughter long term.
Your daughter will be dealing with a lot mentally, so it's important to be more available for her. Ensure you drop her off and pick her up from school, and spend weekends engaging in activities with her to help her understand safety and security. If you can, cut your work hours if you are working.
My daughter has been through this, and unfortunately, family courts often can't make the right decisions without solid evidence.

I have made her available for every single contact. The last two overnights the distress was so extreme that she couldn't go. It was awful. It was down to him to verbally communicate to her and convince her to come but he refused.

If he is abusive to her and she’s 6 surely that is a safeguarding concern ?

This was me 10 years ago. My daughter is 16 we have been through hell with many issues in the last few years. She sees her Dad once a year now.
Yes it was awful at the time but she stopped seeing him every weekend from about 10.
So much damage can be done by forcing them.

As a father he is a concern, he seems emotionally unavailable.
My dd ex was similar, it seemed he only wanted access so that he can have some sort of strange revenge on my dd. He tried for shared custody a few times but failed thankfully. he works full time and she reduced her work hours to 50% which meant she was favoured for primary custody. He
You have to “game” the system to beat it and to protect your dc as much as you can.

That is actually a good point. Can you ask court to designate a supervised handover so there is a unrelated person witnessing it all? He might start behaving better if he's being watched which will have the knock on effect of helping your daughter.

I was told by cafcass that if my child refused I was to put them over my shoulder and make them go.

6 year olds don’t use terms like “gaslighting”. 🙄 If you think she’s being harmed, go back to court.

Its different with each cafcass officer or guardian I was told not to force her.

That's a term I'm using to describe what happened.

And this is why parents with abusive partners go into hiding all because of the damn courts siding with the abusive partner regardless of the child’s feelings or their mental health.