This favouritism between his adult daughters

[Eggnoodleroll]

My partner and his wife separated when their kids were 7 and 9. The mum was not nice to the kids and they've told me now they are 28 and 26 themselves how she treated them. They've been through some awful times. My partner doesnt drink. Hasn't for years and never drank since I've known him. He had a problem with alcohol when he was in his 30s and early 40s which affected his relationship with his kids. He hadn't seen them for years..

One of his daughters has 2 children now and she's kept away from both her parents. The other daughter had type 2 bipolar and has been chasing a relationship with him again this year. The relationship feels very manipulative. Infact I have felt like I have been dragged into drama since this daughter returned. She's actually lovely. But my partner tells her every little issue we have an paints me badly. She wanted to see me last weekend and I was due to travel over after my son finished his club. Partner went down the day before. He fell out with me the night before and so i did not go.

This morning he's been saying all parents favour a child and he doesn't really like his eldest. She's this that and the other. He said I favoured my son over my daughter which I don't. My kids have different personalities and they take it In turns to go through tricky stages and one always seems to be easy then the other seems easier.

He's making out his daughter understands him more than everyone else. She's so great. She tries so hard. She's always onto it. She puts effort in etc

Is this manipulative?

I wouldn’t entertain this drama from either of them, I’d dump him.

I find it all weird like he sleeps on her sofa and they spend the weekend together and talk about depression and how hard life is for them. Its like they are In a club and everyone else is horrible.

The youngest was trying to get the other sister to go se her dad last weekend and she didn't go. But he was moaning that the youngest and her bf couldn't smoke weed incase she went round. So he used that to say the other daughter is controlling

Jesus! He sounds like a complete twat. You're better off without this in your life.

Tbh from what you have said about your partner he doesn't sound a very nice person at all.
He doesn't sound as if he understands about love and loyalty in relationships - telling you he doesn't like his oldest daughter is horrible.
So him being disloyal about your relationship with him to his other daughter doesn't come over as surprising.
I think I would be thinking about whether he is the type of person I want to be in a relationship with.

I think the eldest daughter has the measure of him tbh. I’m not sure this is a great relationship for you tbh.

Feel so sorry for those girls with two horrible parents but if I were you my main priority would be to make sure this man doesn’t shit on my relationship with my kids like he fucked up his. He sounds like he is enjoying the drama of playing off his daughters against you and them against you. You sound more level headed and aware of his manipulations. He is not a nice man.

Run for the hills OP, you don’t need this in your life.

Well, you're not wrong - it is weird.
Also, what is he talking about: "All parents have favourites"? I have 3 girls and I most certainly don't have any such thing.
This is a very strange situation in which he seemingly dislikes his other child for not wanting to stink of weed?
I would speak to him very bluntly and outline things that actually aren't 'okay' for him to share about your relationship with his daughter. Such things are very personal to a couple. There are things that are okay to share and things that are not...'Bad-mouthing' you is definitely not! All the best. 🌸

My six year old son is so affectionate and happy go lucky. He's always stuck to me and he makes me laugh and smile All the time but he has a got head too and sometimes he's hard to regulate.. my daughter is more serious and an overthinker and she can be uptight..but she's also sweet and calm and taking her out is alot easier. She's no problem in terms of entertaining herself and I worry more for her. But how can I choose. I love them both and they both have flaws and both have great parts.

I'm just finding myself thinking their relationship is so toxic at the core. I can ee eldest daughter had a curiosity when the youngest got back in touch with him. She came to me more and shared more with me. We bonded as we have kids. She's so nice and stable and has a strong dislike for drugs and alcohol as her parents and bipolar sister have all used things to cope! If he had proven to her he was reliable etc I think she would have warmed to him..but he's been so wrapped up in the other who just accepts him as he comes.

I see it all and think this is just not nice. It's like he sees that daughter as so perfect and kind and giving. Which she is. But she's trying to have the whole daddies girl thing with a man who hasn't actually been there.

This morning I said the quiet was lovely not having a 6 year old today saying mummy get up etc. He said I've been there and I loved being with my kids. But mine behaved where as yours don't seem to listen. He said that idiot generation raised my silly generation who are now raising little snow flake kids.

I am speechless

I don't say this alot but LTB! This man does not seem like a positive influence in your life

He sounds bloody awful.

Do you want to get rid of him?

I'm quite disturbed by the f up dynamics in his family. He has been a lousy parent and has no clue about unconditional love. The youngest chased him and let's him be victim. I believe he may have bipolar himself or some sort of mental disorder. He just can't seem to value the differences in people. In the kindest way possible the oldest is wise, switched on, has boundaries and cares. But because she won't fuss him and expects him to act like a dad to be in her life and he's not willing to look in the mirror he tries to make it a problem with her. The youngest is in a mental health bubble and is unable to see half of what her dad does is choice and at best not getting enough professional help. She's diagnosed and on tablets and she's chaotic. She's had some major mood swings this year. Her boyfriend has been through alot whilst she was sectioned and convinced her sister etc was awful to her. Her dad was on her side. Whilst he knew she was unwell and saying stuff as she was delusional he also still said all her family were arseholes to her and didn't listen to her.

I'm just clicking on to all of it now.

How long have you been together? Do you live together?

It sounds like the girls had an awful childhood and their father was not there for many years. He is now seeking validation that he is a good Dad and unfortunately this will not come from his eldest who sees perfectly what he is like.

He sounds like a very manipulative person, do you really want this type of person around your young children? You should get out now and save your kids nang years of misery being around this toxicity!

3 years. I know its all coming out the woodwork now. His family has never been apart of our lives as they were all not talking. So this last 6 months I've found out alot. Seen alot and realised the only people who never seem keen on me are people he's spoken to about me.

I don't know why but his daughter loves his ex and speaks to his ex too and I feel like he hasn't ever spoken of his ex before me in a low tone to his daughters. Not the ex wife but a partner before me.

I said to him this morning how damaging it would be to ever find out your sibling is preferred. He said I'd never tell them. I laughed and said it's obvious you've always favoured her. Then he said I have a favourite. Weirdly it might seem like I have. But it's just my son is a mummy's boy not that I think more of him. I worry more for my daughter as she's way more anxious in life. But that doesn't mean I think less of her. I just feel more worry towards her

We don't live together

He sounds really fucked up. Don't let someone like that anywhere near your kids, I think you should end the relationship.

He sounds like a complete arsehole and he's been a useless parent. His poor daughters having two crap parents! Why are you even with him? I wouldn't want this dickhead around my kids.

Thank goodness for that. I hope you are thinking seriously about what this man adds to your life. And whether you can really be doing with that level of drama.

It really doesn't sound good at all.