At a loss

[Redpeonies123]

Where to begin. I’m reaching my 30’s. Been with my partner for almost ten years, living together for almost 2 and things have changed. I’ve voiced my concerned multiple times over the last few months and nothing is getting better. He won’t even really speak to me anymore and is always on his phone (which I’ve told him about and his family have noticed this too- even mentioning it to me that he’s addicted) he hasn’t come home from
a night out tonight (hence why I’m resorting to this at this time) it’s the third time him doing this since we’ve moved in. I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do, I got my dream house how I want it, however I’m miserable and things are getting me down especially with the relationship, after already speaking to him multiple times and offering him a way out and ending it. My job is also making me so miserable so I feel like I’m drowning. I know all the signs are there but any advice would be greatly appreciated. Without judgement, especially if you’ve been in the same boat. Thank you

What is his explanation when he doesn’t come home?
is this what you want for the rest of your life?

In terms of work, consider ways of upskilling yourself through training and improving your networking. Start looking for other jobs. It's not easy but no point in being miserable.

What explanation does he give for staying out all night OP?

He doesn't sound vert interested in your relationship.

If you have talked to him about how you are feeling and he hasn't changed his behaviour it doesn't sound as though he cares about you very much at all. You aren't a priority for him.

Your life as it is making you unhappy. Perhaps you should be looking at ways to change it. Can you look for a new job?
Also think about extricating yourself from your life with your partner.

He said he stays at a friends house, but you have to drive past our house to get there from where he is

This is what I’m currently doing, I’m due to finish a course I’ve wanted to do for a few years but I’ve fell out of love with my career and need a massive change. This situation isn’t helping it at all

OP, you were very young when you got together with him. He has changed, you have grown up, it sounds as if you’re no longer compatible.

Is the course you’ve nearly completed related to your present job? If so, it may be worth continuing your present job for a while to see if it improves. But if it doesn’t and you are sure you want to change your career, don’t feel you have to stick with it because you spent time on the course.

You’re still young enough to change careers, be single again and focus on what you really want.

He's treating you like shit because he wants his freedom.

Don't hang on being a doormat, he doesn't care or respect you.

It's time to get your big girl pants on and leave.

You're so young and you don't know it yet, but the world is your oyster. Take the first step, it's all waiting for you.

You dont need to offer him a way out, you can do it yourself by leaving him.

Is you property rented or bought ? Do you own/lease it jointly ?

Time to pull up your big girl pants & end this relationship if it's not working for you.

“Hairyesterdaygonetoday · Today 10:00
OP, you were very young when you got together with him. He has changed, you have grown up, it sounds as if you’re no longer compatible.

Is the course you’ve nearly completed related to your present job? If so, it may be worth continuing your present job for a while to see if it improves. But if it doesn’t and you are sure you want to change your career, don’t feel you have to stick with it because you spent time on the course.

You’re still young enough to change careers, be single again and focus on what you really want.”

This. It sounds like your relationship has run its course. I didn’t meet DH till I was 29 but I know from friends and anecdotally that what is happening with your relationship is common ie it is quite common for relationships which start in late teens/very early 20s to last about a decade and then peter out.

Sometimes the couple buys a house together or gets married because they feel they should after so long together and quite often that crunch step is what makes them realise the relationship has run its course. I have a number of friends - and know of other people - that has happened to and it seems to be what’s happened here. We change so much from our 20s to our 30s and the person who might suit you at 21 is often not the person who best suits you at 31.

You might not feel that way (yet) but it sounds like he wants out but wants you to be the one to end it. Even if he doesn’t, what you’re describing as his current behaviour is a poor foundation for decades more together. So even if he’s happy to continue in this distant way, it’s no good for you, is it?

He's not changing his behaviour because it's working for him.

Instead of offering him a way out that he doesn't want, offer yourself a way out and make the changes you need to make. It's a scary prospect ending a relationship but the unhappier you are and the longer it goes on the harder it will get; only you can make the changes to improve how you're feeling

Start thinking about how you would like your life to be, what small steps you can take now to move towards your end goal. Work on them yourself or with friends and family - don't involve him in your plans, he doesn't get to make your decisions. The more progress you make, even if it's just starting with simple things like throwing out those holey socks so you don't have to take them when you move, the stronger you will feel.