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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Extreme - TW

7 replies

GettoSafety · 24/08/2024 23:59

It's been some time since I left my ex, an on/off toxic set up which I nearly killed me, spritually, if not nearly my being. I'm still trying to fathom the abuse I experienced. I do not want to get back with X, I can just understand why X is so fucked up. Yet I believe like every one of us, X has a choice and X has chosen the cycle of abuse - because they feel they're beyond reproach? I don't think so. I think it's survival and they don't see or trust a way out - likely.

Despite X being an abuser, X's F abuses them. Psychologically, emotionally, financially, etc. From a young age, X was exposed to neglect, physically abused, pulled into substance abuse, sexualisation/possibly molestation, domestic violence and just out and out dysfunction that most of us would shudder to hear or scarely believe.

To name the main issues in X's life: lives in squalor, has shady friends, an addict, doesn't/can't see dc, no address, doesn't access health care, is without a regular job, history of social breakdowns, a police record.

This person abuses, walks and lives and breathes among us. Yet there is a glimmer of a human, vulnerable and scared and stunted. Is there a way I can very indirectly help this person without in the process harming myself?

Thank you for reading and any advice.

OP posts:
XChrome · 25/08/2024 00:48

No there isn't. You need to stay away for the sake of your well being. Plus, he is your ex. It's time to stop feeling responsible for him. He will not ever change unless he wants to, and even then it's unlikely to happen. You can't help him with this, it is for him to do, or not, as he chooses.
Understanding why he is fucked up is fine. Putting yourself in harm's way because you feel sorry for him is not. Please don't. Let it go.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2024 00:56

No. Don't be your own worst enemy.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 25/08/2024 01:13

No. They will drag you further into their mess. Refusing to access services available to them, eg healthcare, means they don't want to change their life.

You already got involved to the detriment of your own well being once, you got out. You might not be so lucky next time. Walk away.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 25/08/2024 01:20

No. It's not possible.
Someone neutral could help but first and foremost X needs to want to get help.

sadmillenial · 25/08/2024 06:46

No

walk away, he needs help from neutral places

unsync · 25/08/2024 07:17

Keep well away. It is not your responsibility to help or heal this person, especially if they do not want it. Focus on yourself, get help to deal with the abuse you suffered as it sounds like you may have trauma bonded.

lifesrichpageant · 25/08/2024 07:19

A big no.

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