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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling unsure of our relationship

27 replies

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 12:49

Just wanted to get some views on my relationship with DH at the moment.

Something is just not right and don't know whether it's work and children stresses on his part or just that our marriage is going through a stale phase.

We have been married for 10 years,together for 17 years and have 2 children.

He usually stops off for a drink after work most evenings and used to go in a pub locally and would walk home if he had over the limit to drive.

Last few months he has been going to a village pub about 3 miles away and has male friends there he chats to and plays pool with.
So has been only have an odd drink.

Last few weeks he has been coming home after we have eaten and never telling me what time he will be home or will say a time and never stick to it.
When I try to ring him he never answers his mobile phone.

Last night he left work and could have been home at 5.30 but came in at 7.30 and when I asked were he had been he just said having a drink.
But he obviously had'nt had too much to drink and before he would have drank locally so he could have more than one.

Am starting to think what is the attraction at this other pub as he used to enjoy drinking and has given up being able to have more than one pint to drink there.

TMI alert-but when we do have sex which is'nt to often he does'nt say much afterwards and turns his back on me rather than cuddling.
Now that could just be a male thing I don't know.

Also when I try to kiss him casually about the house he seems to ethier pull away or make an excuse like oh don't I smell of garlic or I have just had a cigerette.
Beofre that would'nt have bothered him.
Or if I try to cuddle him he pulls away and has said oh my neck aches or you are tickling me.

He just seems quite cold towards me and it's starting to give me a complex.
Keep thinking well he is still having sex with me but seems strange afterwards.

Early last sunday morning we had sex and the children then woke up shortly afterwards and came downstairs and we could hear them playing .
I tried to talk to him then and asked if he still loved me and he said yes and I said he had ben acting strange and he tried to avoid the subject and said better go and see what the children are up to.

Usually he would leave then to it if they were ahppy and playing so I got the feeling he was running away to avoid talking to me.

Just confused as to what is going on and whether it's just that stage in our relationship and the closeness has gone and everything has just become work, children and daily grind.

Would appreiciate some opinions on this.

OP posts:

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 12:53

Also meant to say I just rang him earlier about another matter and asked what time he would be home tonight as we have'nt seen much of him last few weeks and he should be here to eat with us in the evenings but he did'nt say anything and then just said see you later in a fed up kind of way and put the phone down mid way through me talking.

Could just be he thought I was nagging him at work and not the time and place.

OP posts:

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 13:34

Anyone????

OP posts:

newgirl · 17/04/2008 13:39

im not sure really. Im not sure many men like heavy conversations so that might not get the best result.

Do you go out together and have fun together? perhaps you both need to inject some fun into your lives - perhaps the conversations at the pub are more fun than at home (not about kids/jobs to be done etc)

it doesnt necessarily mean that he likes someone else or has gone of you, but maybe something is worrying him ( eg job/boredom/family routine) and he needs to be spoiled a bit - taken out somewhere nice/see a band - whatever he is or used to be in to ? he might be more inclined to open up to you then

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 13:53

We don't go out together at all.
We don't have any family around to babysit so is difficult.

He is always so busy at work and what holidays he does have he uses up when the children are on holidays from school.

It's just getting to me and feel so unwanted.

I can understand the conversations at the pub at the end of a hard day at work are relaxing ofr him but it just seems I have the children to look after in the evenings on my own and never get any adult conversation ancd then he comes home late and goes to bed early and the children are asleep and am left ditting here on my own yet again.

It's just every night he goes there more or less ,twice a week would nt be so bad if I knew when he was coming home.

It's the non answering of the phone that upsets me.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 17/04/2008 13:54

Did you ask him why he didn't answer?

bluejelly · 17/04/2008 13:56

I think he is being out of order. I would arrange a babysitter and go out for a meal with him, have a serious chat. You need to get to the root of this.

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 13:58

He always says he ethier leaves his phone in the car or sometimes I can't get a signal as the pub is out in a small village.

He usually knows it will be me asking when he will be home so has given up answering now as he says it's waste a of money keep ringing him just to ask him that.

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 17/04/2008 13:59

Have you tried calling the pub to talk to him if he doesn't answer

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 14:02

No,I have never rang the pub.

I would be embarrassed to do that as know it would embarrass him and he would be annoyed if I did that.

I sent him an e mail nearly an hour ago apoligising for getting at him at work but just wanted to know when he will be home.

He has not answered as yet.

Just feel he avoids talking to me in the evening.
He chats to the children then as soon as they are asleep he usually goes up to bed .

OP posts:

newgirl · 17/04/2008 14:06

sorry but i dont get the 'no babysitter' thing - this is exactly how marriages get boring. Surely you can use an agency or swap with a friend? Just for 2 hours once a week? Ask other people you know how they manage it? I guess he probably doesnt answer the phone because you are probably going to be fed up with him being there/want him to come home etc

i dont think he is helping the situation - he could be finding babysitters too, or saving money from the pub to pay for one, and communicating better with you - but i think you can be more proactive in your marriage rather than waiting at home for him to come back

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 15:44

Having a babysitter would be difficult as my son has SN and has seperation anxiety so would find it difficult to leave him.

As for wanting him to come home and him being fed up with with my nagging ,I would not have to keep asking him if he told me in the first place when he will be home.

He should be home from work to help with the children and share the responsibilty.

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Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 18:50

Well my DS sent him an e mail before DH left work and he replied but ignored mine I had sent earlier.

So I e mailed back and asked him what time he would be home for dinner and he said no later than 6.15

He could be home at 5.15 as takes 45 mins to get home.

6.50 and still not here and surprise surprise he is not answering his phone.

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newgirl · 17/04/2008 19:07

Is your son awake in the evenings? I guess if he is older he may be. If he is asleep, surely nights out would be possible?

it sounds like you think he is seeing someone? or why do you think he is not calling when he should?

the thing is yes he should be helping with the children of course, but he isn't and you need to work out why. we are all only human and behave badly when something is up. he may be up to mischief or he may simply be unhappy and not want to spend time at home. in many ways, that would be better as you can fix that - i do hope no one else is involved

vnewmummy · 17/04/2008 19:09

Hi, please dont think I am trying to upset you in anyway but do you think he could be having an affair? There are a lot of signs there that would indicate that he could be?

I was cheated on a long time ago but believe me I know all the tricks men get up to.

Mucha · 17/04/2008 19:09

Have you checked his phone? His emails? It sounds sus to me - sorry to have to say it. Is there any way you could go to the pub when he says he is there so you can see if he is telling the truth? I would do some snooping if I were you.

vnewmummy · 17/04/2008 19:11

I agree. Get a good friend to go and spy on him, someone who could be just poping in with another friend at this pub.....

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 19:18

Hi my DS is nearly 7 and has times when he gets up to check if I am still here and comes down to find me.

He gets really upset and is very sensitive and would only leave him with someone I knew really well and he felt comfortable with.

I am strating to think there is someone,if not an affair I don't think that but maybe someone he is chatting to in the pub I really don't know.

Orcould be just male friends and he is avoiding coming home.

He may well be stressed about work,sometimes he loves it other times he hates it.
But most people would probably say that about their job.

It just hurts that I am stuck here dealing with
"ok I not playing again" which I haveeard about 20 times since the DC'S got in from school and trying to make dinner,get them ready for bed and he is siting somewhere pint in hand and not answering his phone.

Why does he say he will be home for dinner and then we wait around and he just lets us down time and time again.

Still not home,no answer on the phone ,what am I to think .

If I say where have you been ton ight then ,i get the usual "having a drink"

no apoligies ,nothing,then he will say "where do you thin k I have been?"

OP posts:

vnewmummy · 17/04/2008 19:27

Please stop making yourself feel bad. He is trying to mess with your mind. After all when a man stops doing all familar things that make you a couple he is up to no good.

It sounds like he has not got the guts to discuss things with you and is trying to put you off him so you can tell him to sod off.

Dont. Dont make it easy for him and dont confront him just yet.

None of his actions are your fault or related to you. His behaviour is out of order.

I think it will help to imagine the worst, talk to a friend you trust and set traps for him to fall into. Gosh I sound like a bitter girl but honestly now I am with the most wonderful man and as I said I know all the tricks men get up to. I have to go out now but will try later.

I really hope you can find the strength to see what a wonderful woman you are trying to keep your family as one. Believe in yourself and really think about thinks before any confrontation.

Big hugs xx

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 19:54

I don't know how to check his phone and his e mails he has changed the password on as my DS uses his home laptop sometimes and found out what it was and DH did'nt want him signing in on his name obviuously.

the pub he goes to is about 3 miles away and another one is about 5 miles away and I don't drive and don't know anyone wjo could check for me.

I strongly suspect he is just staying out as he is fed up with everything at the moment in our relationship and can't handle the children when he is like this.

Nice that he has that option.

Well children ready for bed now and still no sign of him.

OP posts:

Irisheyes78 · 17/04/2008 20:57

Is he home yet?

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 21:14

Came in at 8.30 having had a few drinks saying I suspose you are mad because I am late again.

No point at all trying to talk to him tonight when he is that mood.

OP posts:

paddington99 · 17/04/2008 21:27

There's clearly something not right here, but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's another woman involved. But the coldness you describe would make me very concerned. We all have times when we get caught up in work/kids/home management and don't put enough effort into our relationships, but he seems to be actively avoiding you. Sex is sex - it's how you relate to each other all day every day that matters. I think you have to find a way to talk to him about this.

Your regular calling is clearly getting on his nerves, so he'll probably bring this up as a defence. But there's more to this than his not answering the phone, so try to focus on the big issues - like how you share responsibility for the kids, and how you're looking after your relationship.

You must be finding this very stressful. Remember that very few of us have perfect relationships and we're here to support you.

paddington99 · 17/04/2008 21:29

It's hard to find the right time to talk. I waited about 4 weeks last year to find the right time for 'a talk' with my husband.

Worked wonders though

Original poster

mixedupemotions · 17/04/2008 22:42

Had a brief talk with him just now and he said he loves me ,he comes home and he is having issues with his drinking at the moment.

Hesaid look how long we have been together and I am being paranoid and he was insulted by the fact I had hinted was there someone else.
He said why can't I trust him.

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littlewoman · 17/04/2008 22:57

Paranoid is the word they always, always use to try to put their strange behaviour back onto us. You are NOT being paranoid. Do not accept that old chestnut.

He is clearly not having problems with his drinking at the moment if he is driving out into the country and therefore drinking less because of the driving.

I'm very sorry to say this, but if you are getting red flags, there is usually a reason for it.

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