How do you know when you’ve outgrown your husband?

[slowlygoingcrazyhelp]

Just that really, had issues over the past few years. Worked through a lot of them but I just feel the spark has gone and a rough few years has taken its toll on me/our relationship.

Nothing major has happened recently but I just find myself generally bored, emotionless and unhappy with life, like I’m getting old far beyond my years.

can anyone relate?

People don't know what marriage or life is.
Want flowers and excitement all the time!
Go to the gym and exercise.
Get a hobby.

I don't personally think "growing out of" someone is grounds for divorcing them. If you're married, you've made a public promise to stay faithful to one another for better or worse. That's what makes marriage different to just cohabiting.

I get it but i think it’s worth sticking with !
we’ve had a rough patch due to grief etc and I went through a time when I wanted to end things but I think you have to just get on with it and make it work

If you are both lucky and live into your seventies or eighties, that is a looooong time.
Of course there will be rough patches, dry patches, boring patches. People change, no-one stays the same person their whole adult life.
The point of a marriage is that you stay with it - and after you have grown apart for a while you can grow back together again, and so on.
And after 30/40/50/60 years you can look back on a shared life, glad you stuck with it.

Alternatively, if you decide you really don't love him and will never be happy together, then by all means leave.
Growing out of someone is a real thing: if you are actually growing and changing, but he is "stuck", doesn't want to change, and is not growing emotionally, mentally or spiritually.

Just be aware you won't necessarily find anyone else who wants to marry you, or even live with you.

No-one else can make that decision for you.

Well maybe but don't be thinking there's any better options out there past 45.
Just dipped back into match.com and Facebook dating and rapidly deleted again after seeing the men on there.

I would get a GP check up, with a blood test review to ensure that depression or some other medical factors are not at play here.

Once ruled out or addressed, I would develop hobbies for the boredom. Perhaps look at study or a career change to make life more interesting. I became a runner in my 40s and got into creative writing.

With your DH ask if you can make the relationship more rewarding and interesting. Start dating again or go away for weekends without the kids (if any).

Chemistry does tend to wane after 2 years and this happens in most relationships especially if life has been rough.

Well. I'm here to say, life is too short to choose to be bored or unhappy. I have a serious and debilitating disability, I have kids, and i still chose to leave my husband, because the situation was slowly killing me and he had no intention of equally helping to try and improve it.

Sometimes I get a 3am horror thought about the future, alone .. but nothing lasts for ever, nothing is guaranteed. If the basics like love and respect aren't there, then what exactly is left? Enough for a satisfying life? I'm having to take my chances alone.

What have you done recently to invest in your marriage? A good marriage is very rarely something that just lands in your lap, it usually takes effort (not hard work as some characterise it) on both people's parts. When was the last time you had a date, a romantic dinner at home, a couple's getaway, a film night, took a shower together, played a board game?

When in this kind of situation I think people should ask themselves would they rather stay and work on their marriage/relationship or would they rather be single, possibly for a long time.

I'm not with the doom and gloom and grass isn't always greener club, but it is possible you may not meet anybody else that makes you happy.

If indeed you think you'd be happier on your own than with your partner you have to do whats right for you

A few of my friends are at this stage, all late forties and early fifties.

One divorced three years ago, she had a fling with a married man who really treated her like shit and I say more fool her. He has finished with her, she is so miserable, he made a lot of promises. He was not the reason for the split.

Two are getting divorced, one will have a lot of money issues and a much poorer standard of living but I think she will overall be happier and is not looking for anyone else. The other is looking for love.

I think the one that will happily be alone will be fine but the other two hoping for some romance, roses and fireworks are really naïve. All been married for a while, all had kids.

Really what @Tillybud81 has a written is wise and I see it amongst my three friends.

I read somewhere that, in a long, happy marriage, the way you love your spouse during one period could be totally different 5 or 10 years later; but it is still love.

Are you expecting him to fulfill all your needs? No one person can provide that,You need to find fun in work, friends, hobbies etc.

How does your DH feel about you? If both of you can't be bothered to put effort into keeping your wedding vows maybe it is a lost cause.

No point flogging a dead horse. Divorce is an option

@slowlygoingcrazyhelp - I could have written your post so know exactly where you’re coming from. We’ve also had a rough 3 years and I feel exactly like you do.
We both work and earn similar amounts which makes us comfortable but individually we’d struggle especially as we took our mortgage on late. Dd 17 will be off to Uni next year and I also find that quite frightening as it’ll give me more time to fill, although excited for her. DS is 30 and married so I’ve had a small person so to speak to run around after in total for the past 30 years.
I’m 52, enjoy my job but tbh not quite sure where I go from here.
If you want to chat, feel free to message me.

Don't worry about it. We all outgrow our husbands!

There's nothing worse in a relationship than being with someone who is completely boring.

It's death by 1000 swords.

What sort of age are you? Do you have DCs and are you planning on leaving him?

I dunno, we can’t tell you as we don’t know you or your DH.

but having a long history to together is something good.

and with anything, you get out what you put in. If you are putting 100% and he is putting 10% then there is the answer. But maybe you both need to buck up.

That’s a very naive outlook. Growing out of someone is absolutely a reason to split. Should you really spend decades existing rather than living because you made a public promise?

OP if you’re both willing to work on things together things could improve.

Sadly it’s very common for couples to change individually and to lose common ground and sparks. Sometimes it’s best for all involved to move on. Life is short, don’t waste it being bored and miserable.