Rekindling a friendship

[RA791]

I could use some advice.. so my ex best friend and I had a falling out last yr in May after my furbbay of almost 13 yrs was put to sleep due to complications with her surgery and I was just so gutted, devastated and just hurting so badly. Well I had made posts about her passing on social media and it showed that my best friend had viewed the post I made for her and I didn't receive a text from her saying sorry for my loss or anything. So I got so upset and days pass I decide to reach out and just went off on her for not being there for me when I needed her thr most.
That this was an eye opener to how she viewed the friendship and hope she'll take this as a learning lesson. Well she said she didn't actually see my posts and wasn't aware and did say she was sorry for my loss and said sorry she couldn't be there for me.

I let time pass, maybe a week or 2 and neither of us reached out so I cut things off with her. A yr went by, which was May of this yr, I decide to reach out and apologize for my behavior and for not believing her that she wasn't aware and I was just hurting a lot with the loss of my beloved pet, me emotions were everywhere but that still wasn't right of me. She responded saying she understood, ther was no need to apologize since we all fight battles and we both may have needed some healing and hopes I'm doing good now.

Well I wanna know if I should try to reach our again in hopes to rekindle the friendship or should I not try because I said hurtful things to her.

I think from her last response it sounds as though she’s moved on. She accepted your apology and wished you well but seems to have implicitly said that there were wrongs on both sides of the friendship and maybe it was for the best it ended, particularly since she didn’t follow up by suggesting you meet or giving any indication that she’d like further contact. I don’t think you’ve anything to lose necessarily by saying that you’d like to see if you can rekindle, but I’d manage your expectations and be prepared for the answer to possibly be no.

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

It seems to me that you were very quick to throw your best friend relationship away. It’s not like she committed an act of treachery such as sleeping with your boyfriend. But you have accepted that it was an overreaction and apologised.

Just before graduating from uni, my very best uni friend and I had a massive falling out. I think we (particularly me) were stressed that finals, graduation and the end of an era were approaching. We (again, particularly me) both said some really hurtful things. This was over 30 years ago (the early 1990s) when it was much easier to just not be in touch.

About a year later, we did start reaching out to each other and over time resumed our friendship and we’ve long been very good friends again. But I’ve long been shocked at how close I came to throwing away a really important friendship.

If you value this friendship, I would suggest reaching out. She may not be ready to let you back in but her reply sounds friendly and understanding. The ball is definitely in your court.

Well now that you mentioned about meeting up, there was a part I left out. Before I had messaged her to apologize, I actually did offer to meet up because I wanted to apologize in person rather through message but I saw she left me on read so I waited about a day and still nothing so that's when I told her if she wasn't comfortable I'll just message her instead. And she actually said she didn't respond right away because she wasn't feeling too well and working. But yes, she didn't bring up about us meeting up after the fact. So maybe you are right, I guess she isn't interested in wanting the friendship back.

Some things are better left alone.

Yes I did let my emotions get the best of me. I was just under the impression she knew and didn't care to be there for me when I needed her the most but I should have just given some space instead of cutting her off completely. So she may not want the friendship back. All I can do is learn from this and do/be better.
I am glad to hear it worked out for you and your friend!

I'm not sure why you didn't text her and tell her pet had died if she was your best friend, and why you tanked the friendship over what appears to have been an assumption that she had actually seen the social media posts before you cut her off. Just because social media says "seen" it doesn't mean she's actually read it or processed its contents if she hasn't interacted with it: I mindlessly doom scroll past plenty of posts every day.

It sounds like she has had her own stuff going on which has prevented her from reaching out. I think it would be appropriate to ask if everything is ok with her, to offer to listen if she needs to, and that you hope she feels better soon and you would like to talk/meet if and when she feels ready.

If someone binned me off for such minor provocation (deciding I'd done wrong with no real proof and not even considering my defence/listening to me, a close friend) despite it being an important relationship, and then got in touch a year later, and then took not replying within 24 hours as meaning anything (when it could actually mean all kinds of things many completely unconnected to the person/message)... I'd think it was all a bit of a heavily loaded minefield and be content to not bag the opportunity to rekindle!

I would also appreciate you might not have been your best self and wouldn't really be feeling angry or anything, but I would be feeling that it wouldn't take much for jury and executioner to emerge once more and wouldn't want to invest my emotional energy into it.

Sorry, I think your hair trigger conclusions and failure to give time and a chance listen to the point of view of your good friend have kyboshed whatever this was and could have been.

Well, I admitted and took accountability for my wrongful behavior in jumping to that conclusion of her "knowing". Reason I didn't tell her right away, same reason she wouldn't come tell me about her issues right away.. whenever she was ready, she'd come to me because there has been a point i didnt hear much from her and i would reach out to ask if everything was ok and she didnt wanna talk about it at first so i told her whenever shes ready to tell me. Plus, I was planning to tell her, but only a few days had passed since I lost my pet, i didnt really tell anybody at first, the only ones that knew right away were my immediate family and coworkers(they saw i wasnt my usual self). Once I shared it on social media, that's when I saw she supposedly "viewed" my posts, then that's when I made the assumption of her and got upset. We've been best friends for 10 yrs, we definitely have had our share of problems in our lives, despite me having problems, I was always there for her thru her hardest moments so that's why when I was going thru this difficult time, I wanted her to be there for me as well. But since she said she didn't know, then yeah I was wrong to get mad at her. (Even though at the time, I didnt believe her because my "proof" was she saw my posts. I was wrong in not giving in some thought before cutting her off. I should have taken a step back and think things over before reacting)

And actually, the last time she and I hung out, we talked about her issues, I listened/gave advice etc. I'd always made it known to her thar she can always count on me to be there for her, if she just needs to vent or wants my input. And she would.

This was my first time ever getting mad at her from all the 10 yrs. We had our disagreements here and there but never nothing like this.

this was an eye opener to how she viewed the friendship and hope she'll take this as a learning lesson.

Bloody hell, did you actually say that you 'hope she'll take this as a LEARNING LESSON'?!! Of what?! That you hold yourself in extremely high regard and self importance that people should kowtow to?!

DoreenonTill8
A learning lesson as in the next time be there for the people you are close to when they are facing a difficult time. I wasnt basing it off just me only(yes PART of it was me), but also for anyone in her life she considered close. That was coming from a place of me believing at the time she knew about what happened but failed to be there for me but as I said before, I was wrong! But you go right on ahead and say I did it solely because I "hold myself in extremely high regard and self importance" without you even knowing me at all. I'm not gonna put every single detail on what was said between us.

Exactly, ten years of a mutually supportive friendship and she puts one foot wrong and you're done with her (until now).
Obviously you had your reasons at the time and were sorry... But also I think that's harsh enough that it's not surprising if you've burnt your bridges and I think that's reasonable from her pov.

Well yeah I can't blame her if she doesn't want it back but I haven't asked her if she wants to rekindle so only way I will know for sure is if I offer it. I mean, I've known people who have screwed up MUCH worse than me and they've been given another chance🤷‍♀️ I guess it just depends on the individual.

If I decide to reach out, there is a possibility she will either say no or just not answer me. She responded to my other message so who knows.

You've done the main thing and given your apology.
I think if you do try to rekindle you'll need to be very diplomatic so as not to put her on the spot which would just be bringing an uncomfortable situation to her door and that rarely endears.
Offer some kind of overture she can decline easily (accept can still be an option obvs) without having to be blunt in her disinterest.
Or leave it.
Neither would be wrong.

You had ten years of strong, mutually supportive friendship and you decide she’s some kind of deviant because she doesn’t respond to your social media post about your pet dying.

IAmJohnMajor
Yeah if I do, I was just gonna ask if she is willing to (of course different wording than how I'm putting it here) or not and if not, then I'll for sure leave her be.