Anxious to fully commit. Advice appreciated.

[crispsndip]

I’m early 40s and post-divorce. I’ve got two children. For the past two years I’ve been seeing a lovely man— a friend from before, so we have lots of mutual friends and are very easy with each other. He lives about an hour away and also has kids, is in his late 40s. We’ve been cautious, but I’m excited to feel that the relationship is deepening properly now. love him and we’re settling in to each other’s lives, it’s a lovely feeling.

It’s occurred to me that this could be it, really. I could be actually building a new life with someone (albeit from afar). I’m anxious though about a few things, and I wonder what you think:

— Sex is brilliant, but he can be hit and miss in relation to ED. I think it’s psychological. Does anyone know if this settles in a longer relationship? I don’t mind it, but I want him to be relaxed and happy.

— My own temperament. I’m quite impulsive and still a little unsettled from my marriage. I worry I won’t manage to be faithful.

— The future. This relationship means I’ll never live with someone again (as he has his kids 50%, our jobs are in different cities etc). I think I’m ok with that but sometimes I’m lonely.

How do I work it out? I love the feeling of this relationship becoming really proper, but just want to check I can live up to my side.

I can fully appreciate your situation , and we all deserve to be loved and not be alone .

However nothing wrong in finding love , but if you are questioning is you can be faithful , I think you should have an open conversation with him about that / seek counselling as it wouldn't be fair on your and your blended family should you succumb to that .

ED is common , especially in that age group and help is available for some treatments eg viagra . There are other ways you vacant be fulfilled without straying . Best of luck

Thanks for replying. It’s a lack of confidence in myself more than anything. I crave this kind of relationship. My marriage was very abusive and destroyed my self-image somewhat.

I suppose my post is also about how do I get a belief that I can do it.

I’m sorry for the typo in my OP, it should say ‘I love him’. I can’t edit it for some reason.

Also would love to hear from anyone in a similar position / time of life

It all depends on what you want in the long run. If you feel you want your life to be living with someone rather than separate households then this won't work for you, but if you will be happy enough then it's fine. Think about what you actually want to be completely happy in a relationship. Maybe make a list of pros and cons to both situations. I did leave a relationship years ago because he wanted separate households and separate lives almost which didn't work for me personally. He just wanted me there but a single life which he couldn't have unfortunately.

@crispsndip
Yes I am also divorced , and rebuilt myself after a long marriage of 26 yrs . I found someone 2 yrs after it ended .

Take time to recover and heal . I found a beautiful relationship with myself and my new partner .

No relationship is perfect , but I found making a list of what you desire helped.

Wrt to ED - there's no guarantee that this will "settle." In general, a lot of things are rosier at the beginning of a relationship.

As to your other concerns, it's hard to know what your deepest feelings are: on the one hand, you're saying that you really want to live with someone, but on the other hand you're concerned that you might not be able to be faithful.

The relationship sounds very positive. I think it would be good to do a bit more soul-searching and then you'll be more confident about a future with him.

Thanks for talking with me about it. It is a positive relationship, you’re right. It is a good idea to sit and think about what I want from a relationship and the future.

With the ED he doesn’t always have it. I can tell it happens sometimes and is connected to state of mind

When you say he wanted a single life how do you mean?

You're worried about being lonely living on your own but also worried about being faithful. One suggests you want commitment and one suggests you don't. I think you need to take more time to heal and not worry about the future. Leave things as they are for now. You're not fully over your marriage which is okay. Don't spoil what's happening now with concerns about the future. If this relationship isn't right for you, it will become clear in time.

That is a very kind comment. This thread has been extremely helpful to me already. What you’ve pointed out has made me realise why I’m in that paradox. My marriage was very controlling and removed a lot of my agency. I think I am anxious about not being able to control myself — be faithful— and also about being able to live alone. I think I was taught I needed someone to control me and, though it has been several years, this effect is still wearing off. It’s really useful what you’ve said.

@crispsndip - of course you can control yourself. What you’re hearing is the voice of your abusive ex in your head. Have you had therapy? It sounds like there’s a lot of damage you’re still working through and perhaps not fully conscious of.

Yes, every week, but I think I’m still blind sometimes to how the issues manifest in daily life

Sounds like you need counselling.

Sex talk about it together. My partner can’t ejaculate inside me and struggles to finish this is a side effect from some meds he is on. I don’t mind it. He wanted to change meds. We will see - I want him happy and his health is more important than DE.

Am also divorced, with kids, few years older.
I think you are overthinking. There is no rush to make any long term decisions. Just enjoy your relationship as it develops.
Don’t think about big things - like commitment; or never living with someone again. You have no idea how your life would unfold.
And its totally normal to not rush into anything after divorce.
(Personally i dont particularly want to marry again. But that’s for now)

Also - both of kids will be grown before you know. Even if it doesn't feel that way. And you’ll still have a lot of life to live after that, and can make choices then…

Thank you for commenting. It’s hugely useful to think of this as an issue from inside me/my past and rather than with the relationship itself per se

If living together is what you really want, then it doesn't sound like this situation will provide this. Though would it really be "never" or just "in a few years"? Kids grow up, people change jobs, can you both move halfway, if he only lives an hour from you etc. Probably not practical yet if kids are in school, but could it be your long term plan?
If you've been faithful for 2 years already why would you be worrying this would change? If it's the ED that concerns you, you're probably right to be worried as it can overshadow things - would he seek help for this?
And aren't you living alone now, so why are you worrying you can't do it?
You can leave a relationship if it doesn't work out for whatever reason. It's not a prison sentence. If you're not sure this one is what you want, it's ok to take a break from it.

Yes, I can’t tell if I’d like to live together, but I’d like to be able to discuss the possibility of it one day