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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cut toxic mum out of life?

6 replies

OneGreyBiscuit · 24/08/2024 06:48

My mother is a toxic, manipulative, selfish narcissist who is 82 years old and I really cannot bear her. My 55 year old brother (who also cannot bear her) is in a hospice on end of life care with pancreatic cancer. She's tried to squeeze a few tears out but her behaviour has been utterly abhorrent since he was diagnosed on the 8th july. He's been in a hospital/ hospice since 12/8 and only visited half of those days as the other days happen to fall on her bingo days, I've been phoning the ward to see how he is, washing fresh t shirts for him and taking them. When he came home from another hospital stay at the beginning and of the month and very poorly, I have taken unpaid leave from work, left my home 25 miles away and my 13 and 17 year old to care for him as I didn't want to leave him on his own, whereas she's just gone out and done what she always does and then has the nerve to say I've come there to help her! To clarify, my brother has no family and lives with her. Twice we have been called out of the room by a doctor, once to say he's got about 6 weeks left and the other to ask about funeral arrangements and both these times shes come back in the room and repeated it right in front of him. I and others who know her well are just utterly disgusted with her but when my brother goes she'll act the epitome of the grieving mother and will lap up the attention, like the true narcissist that she is.

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 24/08/2024 07:40

You need to do what’s best for you and your family (and by that I mean your kids and spouse, of applicable).

You cannot sacrifice yourself for your mother, and when your brother passes, I think it’s extremely likely she will expect you to fill whatever role he had for her.

You’re allowed to say no. To protect yourself and your kids.

im sorry for the impending loss of your brother and for not having the mom you and your brother deserve.

Royalshyness · 24/08/2024 07:45

This is so sad. It will ramp but after your poor brother passes. I am estranged from my mother and it’s probably harder than dealing with her personality and selfishness. But you need to do what’s right for you. She’s disgusting to go in and repeat the sensitive information and use that to create drama at your brothers bedside.

DeadbeatYoda · 24/08/2024 08:26

This is such a painful situation and I am sorry you find yourself in it. I have lost a good few friends and close relatives over the last ten years so I really feel for you
What I will say is that, whatever your mother is, she is 82. To have visited six in 12 days is pretty good going. You, like me, are the generation that all of these caring tasks fall to now. I don't know if your mother ever took that role in her earlier years but we are the carers now - both for kids and our parents. Let go of the ( probably very justifiable ) negative feelings you have about your mum's behaviour, they'll only make this harder for you to bear the pain of losing your brother and the burden of the care that is needed from you. Just make sure you take time to get some peace and quiet. You need to look after yourself too ( which seems almost impossible with everything you have to deal with but just a walk to clear your head or exercise sessions if that is your thing). All the best,

Sheeplesss · 24/08/2024 08:36

Awful OP, your poor brother.
Do what you can to get through this and say goodbye to the BOTH at his funeral and block her.
She sounds vile.

OneGreyBiscuit · 24/08/2024 08:43

Sheeplesss · 24/08/2024 08:36

Awful OP, your poor brother.
Do what you can to get through this and say goodbye to the BOTH at his funeral and block her.
She sounds vile.

This is exactly what I'm thinking of doing but I know I know I'll feel guilty and I don't know why. I owe her nothing. I'm 50 in a couple of days and I get the feeling she's going to outlive me as well.

OP posts:
Brainengaged1 · 24/08/2024 09:00

In am so sorry to hear your story and the pain and conflicting emotions .
I lost my sister recently and had to navigate my mums shocking behaviour towards me at the funeral . Her openly hostile behaviour at he graveside was something I'll never for . All I can say to you is protect your heart , tell your brother you love him and surround yourself with people who value you . Your mum will be who she is and unlikely to change at this stage . That isn't your fault , you don't need her approval any more , you are worthy . Protect your happiness . Sending you peace

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