Social Media & Following Ex's

[howyoudoingg]

Hellloo!

I am aware social media isn't real life, just to make this clear.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since the end of May. Things became official two weeks ago.

Everything has been plain sailing and I have really enjoyed getting to know this wonderful man and we have fallen in love.

However. He was in a 2.5 year relationship just before we started seeing each other (they broke up the month before). He ended the relationship because he wants a family and they were not having sex. She was 7 years younger than him and wasn't ready.

When we first started seeing each other, he wanted to keep things quiet because he knew his friends would feel it was too soon and I suspect he didn't want her to see anything via social media.

He is now more transparent about our relationship, but I can tell he still isn't comfortable sharing much about us online. He shares many other things.

My concern is that they still follow each other on IG and FB. I am not sure I feel comfortable with this, but don't want to make a fuss about it.

I guess my question is, would this bother anyone else? If so, would you do anything about it (i.e., speak to him).

Thanks.

Yea it would bother me. It’s almost like he’s keeping an eye on her incase she changes her mind. I’d be wary about throwing everything at the relationship until he lets it go.

Sorry OP but it sounds as though neither of them are over their relationship.

You don't have to be the "cool girlfriend" and accept this. If you are official and have declared love for each other, then it's reasonable that neither of you follow previous partners on social media. If he disagrees, then that will confirm that he wants to keep the door open with her and that you don't mean as much to him as you thought. If that's the case, vote with your feet.

A month isn’t really sufficient for most people to be over one relationship before jumping into another, particularly one where he could obviously see himself having children with this woman and only didn’t because she didn’t want to.
That isn’t to say it won’t work out, funnily enough I started seeing my now-husband about three weeks after he split with his ex of six years. That certainly wasn’t an amicable split where they remained friends and they’d been on/off for quite some time before the final chop, so I suppose that was an element.
I think the best thing you can do really is accept this is the situation you’re in and be aware that the honeymoon period is terrible for rose tinted glasses. Don’t let your feelings blind you to potential red flags. He may just feel uncomfortable sharing loads about your relationship because it’s brand new but, of course, it might be because he doesn’t want the ex to see. We won’t be able to tell you unfortunately.

I really appreciate these responses. I was worried I might sound unreasonable if I brought it up. I am seeing him tomorrow and will definitely be bringing it up.

I guess my question is, would this bother anyone else? If so, would you do anything about it (i.e., speak to him).

Would you be happy if he stopped following her? If he has feelings for her then they won't go away just because he stops following her.

I wouldn't be with anyone who I suspected still carried a torch for an ex personally so unfollowing wouldn't be enough for me if I still thought he had feelings.

If they are an ex, then why would there be any need to stay in touch with them and keep an eye on what they're doing? I do not follow anyone I used to be in a sexual relationship with and have no idea why anyone would consider it necessary, particularly if their current partner is uneasy with it.

Nah I think lots of women would think it was perfectly reasonable if a man was concerned about his girlfriend following a very recent ex (who she had wanted to have a family with) on her social media.

Context is everything.

Being uneasy with something doesn't automatically mean a person is controlling.

I've never understood the obsession with staying friends with exes, assuming no children involved. One person always loved the other more, it prolongs the agony. Staying friends on Facebook is stalkerish and weird. How are you supposed to move on?
The only person I know who insists on keeping tabs on her exes is very controlling and does it to make sure she's doing better than them in life.

By the end of my relationships I've been so sick of their lies there's no way I'd want to stay friends

I wouldn't have a problem unfollowing exes because I am no longer in a relationship with them and have no wish to know what they're doing. I chose to remove all traces of my ex from my social media when I met my current partner out of respect for our relationship.

f someone is uneasy about their partner following exes then you can call that controlling, but I'd call the dismissal of their feelings disrespectful and uncaring. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, much as you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't like it. Both are fine. I don't think it matters what sex you are, you have the right to carry on following exes, but a new partner has the right not to accept your choice and find someone else whose boundaries match their own.

We had a date night on Wednesday and I ran into an ex in the shop. We were only seeing each other for a short time but feelings were involved and I had found it hard when it came to an end.

This ex then messaged me after we left and asked why I blanked him.

My boyfriend said he was very uncomfortable with this and said he'd feel better if I blocked him, so I did without even questioning it.

This is when I started to question whether I would be unreasonable to bring up him having his ex on social media too, because I have never felt comfortable with it.

Why would you worry about being unreasonable in those circumstances? It's a perfect opportunity to learn some more about this man and how he reacts to stuff like this.
You said you're in love but after such a short time you don't really know him.
There's a high chance he's going to claim that it's different because your ex messaged you and his ex didn't message him but the underlying feelings behind it are the same so if he doesn't understand that then that does not bode well for the future and you're better off knowing now.

Wouldn't bother me the slightest. I'd have no idea who somebody follows on social media, really not investing any energy into tracking that.

If a man told me who I need to unfollow/ block/ never talk to, I couldn't date them. I just don't get the whole obsession with blocking/unfollowing/ etc. Unless someone completely broke your heart, why do you need to do that? What if they need to talk to you about a former joint bill or return something that's yours, let them know some STD news etc etc? I'd expect people to follow their exes if theyr want to and be able to talk to the civilly if required, unless they aren't over them or it was very toxic.

Lots of insecurity here.
I'm friends with a few exes. Follow them on social and sometimes socialise with them and their new parters. It's weird to be that close to someone then just cut them off totally. Unless they weren't nice people of course.
But if they were arseholes I wouldn't have gone out with them for very long.
Being friends with exes doesn't mean I still love them. That's very childish behaviour IMO.

Personally, given your update, I think the bigger red flag is that your boyfriend is showing signs of being somewhat possessive and controlling and seems to consider it reasonable that he lives by very different ‘rules’ to you in the relationship.

Seriously, why is it so hard to just be civil and say hello? I don't understand. Both DP and I are perfectly comfortable being friendly with our exes. DP has hung out with ex-boyfriends, and I know he's also close friends with his ex-wife's new partner. This whole mate-guarding thing on social media just seems exhausting.