Hit a wall

[Heartbroken187]

Relationship of 5 yrs ended last weekend, after weeks of ‘drifting’ following a fall-out over something that had raised q’s about our future…. He’d had enough of the repeat cycle of him not being able to “do” feelings = me feeling insecure = upset & occasional blow-up = things die down = rinse & repeat.
We were best friends, soulmates, lived day-to-day so well together, helped each other through so much….

Hes been away on hol since we split, and I’ve been on autopilot in order to survive the week alone (working, exercise, speaking to friends)… but now he’s due back (lives v near me) it’s starting to hit me, and I actually feel like I can’t breathe with grief, loss and longing.

And I’m pathetic as I’m late-30’s and have 3 children (who are currently not here), so I should really be over this sort of abject heartbreak.

Im alone again tonight, and feeling so unbelievably low. Don’t know what I’m hoping for from posting this. Some kind words would be so pathetically appreciated 😞 🙏🏻 x

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this will pass. Look after yourself.

You aren’t pathetic, you only broke up last week. Be kind to yourself

Breaking up is hard. He will find that his inability to "do" feelings will be a big stumbling block for him - it is not just you I am sure.

Time will heal - take care.

Thank you all three of you. I’m so grateful. I’m sobbing reading your messages. Feel so terribly bereft. My previous partner died (by suicide) and my relationship before that ended in divorce (although we’re v good friends now and share our lovely children).

I’ve had quite a bit of loss before, but this feels on another level. I’m kind of longing to be shot in the head or just switched off. X

Your right. He maintains this issue what individual to us - that his previous partners & ex-spouse - didn’t have an issue with this. I was his first partner who needed to hear ‘I love you’ sometimes and needed to be allowed to demonstrate affection towards him.
And he was the first person I’ve ever met who was the opposite to me. So we were eachothers firsts. It took us 5 years (of many happy times as well) to finally buckle & he gave up on us.

Also, this is very identifying. So if you’re one of my friends and have read this, please let me know via text.

It is very common that when the next relationship which follows a break up comes it is even worse than the first. They say you are literally dealing with the grief of the first and the second. It's natural. Your feelings are common. You just don't see your future yet!

I am a firm believer in that things are meant to be and there will be something better for you! You feel crap right now but you will get better.

Thank you @lazybrownfox - I really hope your hope for me that this will come better does come true. I’m really touched that you took time to message - it means a lot.
I’ve had dreadful times in the past, but tonight is up there with the worst. I just want to curl up and die to be honest.

Its not relevant that his exes had no problem, you had a problem with his lack of love and he did not address it.
He did not make the standard and it seems like there was a lot of negotiating around that when you knew, probably from early, that its not working for you.

Sometimes the loss/grief can tap into all the other losses.

Its very natural to be in pain as the attachment burns out. Try not to resist it. Accept that this relationship is not right for you.
Admit that you settled.
Perhaps you thought if you loved him enough he would come round.

He sounds flimsy to me.

Let the grief do its work in you.
Resolve to grieve, to heal, and move past it in the best way you know or can learn.

When i have really dug down into what i have missed about partners its things like, kisses, hugs, someone to go out with, validation.
I guess what i am saying is, he is not unique.
Life will bring you the next relationship (or not).

What is in your past, what messaging did you receive as a child that showed you the example of unavailable men?

This man cannot love you.
Shut the door.

You are worthy of love.
If you cant love yourself and him at the same time, its not the right relationship.

Thank you @Therealweld - you speak such wise words here. Some of them have really hit home. I’d never thought about really leaning into the grief. I’ve blocked things out all week and been brave-facing, out of fear of falling apart whilst having been alone all week (children and partner all away, alone at home), so it’s only really sinking in this evening. I’ve been so busy pushing the feelings away out of fear of them. Your words have really made me think, and to feel less fearful of the emotions.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to message me, a total stranger on the internet.

Hope you have a pleasant bank holiday weekend, whatever your circumstances/plans X

At risk of sounding awfully melodramatic, I’m longing to be shot in the head or just to wither away tonight.

I’ve had previous very serious mental breakdowns / suicidal depressions in the past, so I’ve been deliberately engaging in Very Good Self-Care (trademark) all week, to keep the wolves from the door. I’ve done really well, and I’m still proud of that, but my resolve is weakening and now I just want to lie down and accept defeat. I won’t endanger my life (I can’t, for my kids) but I passively just want to die of something in my sleep, or similar.

How are you today, @Heartbroken187 ?

I'm in the drifting phase at the moment. I can relate to feeling utter despair though, and the 'drama' (I don't mean it unkindly) of things feeling so unbearable that you wish you could just disappear to stop having to feel it anymore.

When are your DC back with you? x

Hi @thisisalongdrive - thank you for checking in with me; it’s really kind of you. The raw despair of last night is at bay, whilst I’m busy clearing and cleaning DC2’s bedroom ready for decorating it (bitten off more than I can chew 🥵).
Feeling mounting anxiety about his return later. And about his lack of response to a text I sent him last night. Got such physical anxiety that I’m sweating, shaking, bad stomach etc….
Proud of all I’ve been doing though (keeping busy, seeing friends more, exercising, getting on top of house stuff) and trying to hold onto that as proof that I can exist without falling apart.
He finished things the day he flew abroad for a holiday. I think this has delayed the reality of us being split, as a part of me has probably been feeling like things are the same as previous occasions when he’s been away & out of contact….. once he arrives back & there’s no contact / no cooking together / no ‘goodnight’ texts, then it’ll hit me.

What is your situation (if you feel comfortable sharing)? I’m sorry to hear you’re also in a hard place. Do you have support?
x

I have been where you are and that's why I know it is completely normal. I remember just wishing that a lorry would hit me and kill me. People who have been there understand. I must have had the tidiest cupboards in the world as that is what I engaged in. I guess I was trying to control what I could. I recall seeing the world go by and thinking why is it still going ? It took a long time but I made it . I am actually married again now and the happiest I have ever been.

Thank you @lazybrownfox for sharing your experience, and I’m so sad that you went through these feelings. I’m really happy to hear that youre happily remarried now - that’s a lovely outcome. X

Hello OP. I’ve been there and know the feeling so vividly. It is pure hell. And the way you’re experiencing it is deeply connected to your unmet needs in the relationship also. You are sensitive and experience feelings acutely. Which is why you needed him to care for yours, and now this. I am the same. I never thought I’d recover from the pain of it. But suddenly one day I did. I used to feel to offended by people telling me time was a healer, as it seemed so woolly compared to the knife-like pain I felt, but they’re right. That, and realising this is just your emotional animal, which that relationship has been feeding scraps and caging up, finally shouting and running about and howling. It will calm down I promise.

It was truly the worst pain I’ve ever felt in memory.

He’d had enough of the repeat cycle of him not being able to “do” feelings = me feeling insecure = upset & occasional blow-up = things die down = rinse & repeat.

It doesn't sound as if you were soulmates/best friends; he was incompatible with you. Not the fault of either of you but he isn't and wasn't right for you.

When you feel ready for another relationship take the time and pay attention to make sure that your emotional needs are well-matched so that you never have to go through this pain again.

I'm sorry for how you feel, it is rubbish. It is also true - however trite - that time is a great healer. It's the only thing that works.

Heartbreak doesn’t care how old you are, how many great things you have going on or how many wonderful people are in your life. It fucking hurts.

You will slowly feel better and stronger and appreciate the stability of not being in a difficult relationship.

No advice how to get to that place quicker…I’ve never worked out how to do heartbreak like a hero! Now if you want someone to tell you about ugly crying and dramatic wallowing, I’m your girl for that.

I took the breakup of my marriage (2nd, we were together 12 years) very, very badly and cried every day for literally years. Really though, all of the pain was about being abandoned (ghosted) rather than the man himself.

Can I suggest you do something physical? Personally I hate the gym but that seems to be good for some people. I just walked, walked and occasionally ran. It helped me to sleep a bit.

All the best, look after yourself

Thanks so much to all of you @crispsndip @StormingNorman @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe & @Tumbler2121 for your messages above. I’ve just got back from a solitary & wistful run up through the woods (it’s our shared run route 🙄) and come home to an empty house and his car outside…. So instead of having a massive wobble I opened this page and found your amazing words of comfort, strength, wisdom and compassion. Genuinely - thank you just doesn’t cut it.

@Tumbler2121 - you’re quite right that physical exertion seems to dull the pain. In fact, I’d never so much as run for a bus until my first marriage broke up, and that very night I did my first “run” (sweaty shuffle under cover of darkness due to shame)…I found it so helpful in dealing with my emotions I ended up running marathons / fell races / triathlons 😝 🙈. I was still that sporty/outdoorsy woman when I met DP - and he’s the same. We bonded over long runs and hikes and insanely long bike rides. But then I had a totally mental breakdown plus early menopause, got fat & lazy, lost my confidence, and put on 2 stone.

This week alone I’ve done 3 x long swims (6km in total) and 2 x 6km runs. It’s almost like I need to be on my own and heartbroken to galvanise myself! If nothing else, I’ll have my physical fitness and confidence back (even if my heart is now made of mincemeat!)
x

@StormingNorman - I definitely do want you to talk to me about “ugly crying and dramatic wallowing” and I’m certainly a kindred spirit for you!

What you say about eventually appreciating the stability of not being in a dramatic or insecure relationship… that really made me think. I can almost get a glimmer of that maybe being the case (once the longing for the everyday comfortable loveliness has worn off). You’re a wise woman - even if your crying is “ugly” 😘 X

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - yes, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.
He said in our many final crisis talks that we’re just too different in terms of our approach to emotions / love / relationships… he fully admits he comes from a home where he knew he was loved (due to acts of service) but that he’s never heard his mum say “I love you”. He doesn’t mind about that - he’s totally conditioned that way. But it makes him really uncomfortable to hear “I love you”. Which meant I had to keep that side of me in check. And I rarely heard / felt it in response.
The heartbreaking thing is he showed me he loved me by his constant little acts of care and help, his commitment to our time together, his subtle actions behind the scenes. He’d really made an effort to ramp those things up as well, and I was feeling so much more secure & relaxed, so we were closer than ever and I felt very in love… and then a “flashpoint” happened which exposed my insecurity….. he mentioned that he couldn’t come camping for a few days with me & my kids this summer as he’s saving his annual leave for next year when he’s apparently off to fulfil his lifelong dream of climbing in the Himalayas…with a random woman from work…

It was, as they say, a…. Mic Drop.

I spent a fortnight reflecting on this, trying to make it feel right, understanding this has always been his dream & im not in a position to do it with him just yet as my kids are younger than his. I tried to formulate a calm response which wouldn’t lash out (something I’ve done in the past which has caused us almost to split up)…. But this is when the rot set in. We’ve drifted since. 2 months of going through the motions, crisis talks, not sleeping together, seeing each other less, yet still daily texting and going though the motions. We called it “mulling time” where we each were reflecting on the relationship and what to do….

It got beyond a joke, so a week ago I said I needed some resolution before he went away…. We had a long walk, and he gently said it’s just making us too unhappy. Part of me suspects he wanted me to end it so that he wasn’t the bad guy. Or maybe he was just very loathe/sad to end it.

Eother way, it was very “no hard feelings’ until I lost my marbles & texted him saying it was unfair and I don’t agree with it but I’ll accept it.

Then he flew abroad for his holiday with his kids and his best friends, and I was left here alone, no partner or kids. He’s not even bothered to respond to a friendly, polite, philosophical message I sent on Thursday evening.

Sorry, this is so long. See? I’ve lost my bloody MARBLES!

<<his lifelong dream of climbing in the Himalayas…with a random woman from work…>>

whattt. Omg op.

@crispsndip yep. He’s always wanted to go to the Himalayas all his life. His teens are finally off to uni and he’s about to turn 50, so he thinks he’ll probably never get another chance…. I do understand that. I’m not even worried about the woman he’s going with (I genuinely know he’s a faithful type and I see she’s just a means to an end as he needs a travelling companion and I can’t go. She’s married, but she’s always wanted to go to the Himalayas so they sort of teamed up.

It’s not the plan per se, it’s the insensitivity of how he put it to me, as a fâit accompli, whilst I was cooking. 💔

He’s been back a few hours but still hasn’t responded to my text from yesterday (apart from a brief response last night saying he was busy with his (adult) kids and hoped I was ok…..

I hoped / assumed he’d have acknowledged my text now he’s home. But nothing. It’s so unlike how he’s always been. I feel frozen out.