Death of a parent

[Helpneeded1995]

I hope this is ok to put here?

My Dad passed away last week, we were estranged.
He was an alcoholic for most of my life and was constantly in and out.
My mum divorced him when I was 5 and he came and saw my sister and I for a little while and then just disappeared.
I ended up in the care system from age 11 and when I was 18 I got back into contact with my dad.
Unfortunately he was still drinking and wasn't very nice after having a drink.
I did try a few times to have some sort of relationship esp when I had children but him drinking made it impossible and 9 years ago was the last time I saw him properly.

I then received a phone call from my sibling last week telling me he was in hospital and not likely to survive his current illness and they wasn't able to attend as they was on holiday.

I really didn't want to go but I couldn't leave him on his own, I went up there and stayed with him a while.

I went up there a few more times after to support my sibling when they came back from holiday and he passed away last week (we were both there).

We are both sorting his house out and funeral on our own and I'm supporting my sibling as best as I can as they are very hurt.

But I feel totally numb, I haven't cried I feel nothing.
I felt like I grieved my dad a long time ago, but then I feel awful feeling this way.
People ask me how I am and I feel awful as I don't feel anything.

I feel such a bad person to feel this way I just needed to get it of my chest as I can't talk to anyone that understands.

Don't you worry about it, that's a totally normal reaction. People can feel everything, anything and nothing when bereaved, with or without estrangement.

He might have been your biological father but he wasn't your dad and had no part in your life. You wouldn't feel bad for not grieving for a stranger so don't let a meaningless DNA tie guilt you into feeling bad about not caring. He didn't.

Me and my dad weren’t estranged as such but we didn’t have a great relationship because he’d been drinking hi self to death for years. I was sad that he died but I’d been sad for years. The only difference was that once he was dead there was no hope things would get better, when he was alive there was a small chance they might. There is no right way to feel but fwiw I think you did the right thing to go and be with him at the end. I’m sorry for your loss.

It's just made a lot of things come back to me which I had purposely locked away.

Seeing him so fragile in hospital made me feel sorry for him but not any sense of pain just saddness that this is how it had to end.

I see my sibling hurting though, we had the same upbringing though and they are extremely hurt and I feel bad because I'm not.

I’m sorry for your loss. I was in a similar position 12 years ago. I just felt numb and then I began to grieve for the relationship we never had and I was surprisingly upset. Nobody understood because it was just black and white to them - Why are you so upset when you hadn’t seen him for years?

It was because my chance had gone and I could never get it back. The hole inside me could never be filled (so I thought). I’ve had therapy since, and learned to fill my own empty hole. Just roll with it, and don’t be alarmed by sudden waves of emotion if they come. Similarly, don’t be concerned if they don’t.

I imagined that you grieved for what could have been years ago. It is still sad when your parent dies irrespective of the past trauma. But it is ok not to feel devastated by the event.

If people ask, just reply that its very sad. Save your dignity.

I grieved very little when my father died, he’d had Alzheimer’s for about 7 years and the disease had reduced him to virtually nothing, every bit of him was stripped away stage by stage and there were micro bereavements all along the way. By the time dementia had finished with him I was relieved. Don’t feel bad for feeling very little, life has already been cruel enough to you. I hope maybe you get some sense of release from this.