When is it not too soon? Dating apps..

[Phubs]

I've lived in a dead marriage for years but we have kids together and are trying to co-parent amicably. We are currently rotating, doing 50/50 custody and whoever isn't with the kids stays elsewhere. He stays with family and I am sofa surfing at friends houses.

On the nights I'm alone, I'd love to be able to just message and have a little flirt with someone again. It's been years. But he is adamant I cannot join any dating apps 'any time remotely soon' as a matter of respect. He said that after 9 years together and 2 kids it deserves enough respect for me not to run off and find someone else straight away.

But I just want a bit of distraction. I feel sad that I have had no sex life, attraction, flirtation in years and that now I'm single and still can't even find someone to chat to out of 'respect'. I will treat him with respect and co-parent well, I don't see why what apps I use are any of his business but maybe I'm being unfair.

We separated officially a month ago. I am trying to move out, I've got viewings this week, but I don't know how long it'll take as there aren't many rentals and there's a lot of people going for them. We aren't under the same roof at the same time. When is it ok? I'm not even trying to meet up with anyone. Just a bit of a chat.

Do as you please it's none of his business.

You're right, It's none of his business

Why does he have control over you?

Just to clarify: you want to sext on your sofa-surfing nights?
He has no control over that but if he could access it, perhaps he could use it in court to show emotional infidelity or alienation of affection. So choose carefully and use a pseudonym.
You probably know that it's strategically better for you if he moves out whilst you stay with the children in the family home.

What do you think he’s doing when he’s feeling lonely and bored?

You are absolutely not being unfair. You are splitting up and you do not need to do anything out of ‘respect’ for your past relationship. It’s a past relationship, you are single, you can therefore date with a clear conscience. You could also see this attempt at emotional manipulation as another reason why splitting up with your ex is the right thing for you. It sounds like he is trying to control you even though you are not together.

You are your own single person. You are free to do what you choose in your dating life.

It’s none of his business what you do as long as your children are not impacted negatively.

HOWEVER, it doesn’t sound like you are divorced. Is he the type to get nasty about finances? I’d honestly be really cautious until all legal things are finalised. You shouldn’t have to be cautious, but I’m sure you’ve read threads here over the years. All those people never thought their ex would turn nasty either.

He's probably saying that as he's on dating apps himself and o doesn't want you to find him while you're swiping! Or he's already got someone lined up!

Do not talk to him about your personal life. If he raises it again say 'let's not talk about our own social lives that don't impact our children.'

Later on you might want to have a chat to agree principles about introducing children to partners etc - great if you can agree but equally you both need to accept that you might not, and the other DOES have the right to introduce children to a string of dates that's their call - but remind him that you ONLY discuss children.

Do not allow a convo about whether you are dating or not dating at all - it's none of his business and you need to be clear on that boundary. Kindly.

Why are you asking his permission?
You have separated, so it's absolutely none of his business.

It isn’t his business at all, however I do think a month after you split up is a bit soon