17 year relationship - AIBU to feel this way?

[Augworries]

Sorry if I have jumped around on topics today - I did initially post on the divorce section but think I may get more replies here.

I have been with my H for 17 years, married for 5. We have 2 DS's, 5 and 18 months. I am unexpectedly pregnant (3.5 months) but that is not the main cause of the issues and I do not want an abortion.

To start, I want to say that when I told him about me being pregnant, he was incredible. very supportive.

My H can be a wonderful person, always wants to spend time with our boys, loves days out etc and does so much around the house.

However, our communication and the way we approach issues has pushed me to breaking point and I feel as though I am now done. every 'discussion' turns into a heated argument with raised voices and things have been said which have really hurt me. Last night, it was something so, so trivial, but ended in an hour shouting match with our eldest son who wasn't alseep upstairs and I vowed never to be that parent (I was the child at the top of the stairs before my parents got divorced).

I told him last night I was done. Around 3 weeks ago, after we had both decided to continue with the pregnancy, he told me I was delusional for thinking we would cope with 3 children and he confessed he never wanted a 3rd. Neither did I, but I didn't say those hurtful things.

He has today begged me for one last chance, promised me he will change and become better at communicating, but to me it is more than that. I just don't know what to do, I don't want to rip this family apart and he can be so caring, but there are so many things that I am just not happy with. I feel like my respect for his has gone and I don't look at him in the same way now.

Sorry for the jumbled post, I hope I can get some advice or signposts from people who have been in similar situations.

This sounds really hard, OP. Do you think it’s worth trying some relationship counselling to see if these issues can be worked through and discuss them in a calm, safe space? You can do that and still leave if you decide there’s no prospect of saving things.

You're in the thick of it. Always a bit of shouting and conflict with two little ones let alone the pressure of.another on the way...

I wonder if not having the best childhood yourself, you're feeling pressure to not repeat that for your children?

Things usually improve if you hang in there together.

hmmm.

Don’t wish to be negative and masses of couples go through hard times when kids are so young. That’s normal. But - there’s a lot in your post that struck a chord with me and I wanted to post because of it: my DH looks pretty lovely on many levels - hands on dad, does a lot round the house blah blah - and , just like you, the smallest thing can erupt into a big row. Over time though, I’ve realised it’s not that our communication style is the problem - it’s actually that he is very short tempered and unable to communicate like an adult, sadly.

We have been together for even longer than you guys, and when the kids were younger, I put it down to the stress of having kids. But those kids are teens now, and we’ve had more stressful years in the interim, and we are now are at breaking point. Again, I am not totally sure if we will split or not (though I keep thinking I don’t want to be 70 and having ‘big rows’ 😩) but if we do, I think it probably would have been better if we had done so earlier.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, Gooc luck op xx

Mmm. Is it the way he communicates - or is it what he communicates? Saying he "never wanted" a third child when you are carrying that child, calling you delusional and implying you won't cope when that child is born - those don't sound like things that would be nicer to hear if communicated differently?

Hmm. He needs to work on some issues. But he probably won't. Give counselling a go anyway but I'd find it very hard to get over. My DH misunderstood when I said I couldn't go through with this, meaning have an abortion as he preferred. It was pretty awkward when he then said something along the lines of "good yeah I can't deal with more kids" but he didn't then call me names or imply it was my fault.