Mum problem

[sherbertcandy]

My mum has always been the bossiest of the family with strong views etc. she's in her 80s now and Dad died a long time ago. She has many friends but due to health she doesn't go out as much as she used to. My sister and I do try and help her out but both don't live local to her. I have grown up children but sister doesn't so my sister gets called upon more. She is also married but no children. Recently my sister and I have had some serious medical issues yet Mum still says nobody goes to see her, how she doesn't want to be here, etc using emotional blackmail daily till eventually we do what she wants. Whenever we do go to see her, her house is a constant mess yet she will sit and watch whilst we clean up after her. This is getting more and more. I recently sent a text to her to back of from my sister which caused yet another argument. How do we stop this for our own mental health?

You step back. Let go of the rope. She’s not going to change so you have to.

Same here. Had to step back or be run ragged. They can be selfish op. Their days long too. I told her unfort 2 need to work now so it be wend visits. I dont live that near either. Same age group 80s

Can you get her to visit a day care centre a couple of times per week?

She sounds lonely and the days are long when she sees nobody. I get it. My MIL was lovely and we had a good relationship. But as she got older she got more demanding and wanted daily visits and more support.

We used attendance allowance to buy in some help as we were working FT. MIL was not keen at all at first about strangers coming in. However, we found a lovely local lady, who over time she felt comfortable with. She'd help her shower, make her lunch and sit for half an hour and chat as they ate. She'd change the bed each week, hoover around etc and just be some company in the middle of the day. This was 3 days per week. It was a god send. The other 2 days we arranged for her to go to a day care centre for lunch.

It meant the times that we saw her were less stressed and it saved all of our sanity.

sounds like it is time to call social services as she needs help, also write/go see her doctor (especially as she has health issues) to get the ball rolling, we had same thing with my mum, it was start of dementia.

If you can afford to, pitch in together to get her a cleaner?
Ask her local friends to pop in and see her?

And above all, talk to her about your lives and how visiting is tricky but you do your best.

Good luck! x

I feel sorry for her. She’s elderly and lonely and can’t get out and by the sounds of it can’t really look after herself or her home. It must be a very isolating, scary, and depressing situation to find yourself in towards the end of your life - so she’s probably acting more clingy and demanding due to anxiety and feelings of abandonment. Ideally, she’d want her loving family around her - who wouldn’t??

That’s not to say you can be expected to see her every day or clean her whole house for her. But you can be patient and loving towards her (e.g. no texts telling her to back off). Maybe calm, in-person conversations would be better, to find a solution to help her that works for everyone?

It sounds like she definitely does need extra help. I know that can be hard to find. The country’s a mess. Speaking to the GP and social services might be a start. Also if you can afford any paid help it would be fantastic (but appreciate that may not be an option).

similar position myself (unpaid carer for my mother). Depending on her health needs she may be eligible for attendance allowance which she could use for support in the home which can include carers, cleaners, help with shopping etc. you could also contact social services and they will assess whether she is care act eligible- whether she has to paid for support will depend on whether she has to be a self funded.

Also look into what carers support you may be eligible (this is more emotional support than anything else).

above all else whilst it’s frustrating for you it will be hard for her to accept that she is not able to do the same things she used to.

Speak to her GP/ social prescribing team as they will have access to lots of stuff locally that can help!