Can you talk to your male partner about emotions and feelings, what would they say?

[Happyfarm]

I can talk to mine till the cows come home but he understands none of it. Sometimes he will say oh you have a complex like your mum or too sensitive or just look at me like I’m an alien.

He seems to have little feelings but the ones he does are over all the stuff he hoards.

Is it usual for men to not understand? I’ve not had many men in my life.

My DH is pretty accepting of my emotions - he might not completely understand some of my complexities around my relationship with my family but he is capable of empathising and listening.

He's a good active listener and mostly, doesn't try to 'solve' things or try and explain things away.

Only if they've been indoctrinated into thinking that emotions and feelings are for women and men don't do that sort of thing.

IME, most men will open up about their own feelings and understand yours if they are emotionally literate because they're just humans too.

I've only dated one man in my life (and I've dated a fair bit!) who played the 'emotions are for women, I don't do or understand feelings' bit and he didn't last long!

My husband just clams up; he’s like yours OP. I don’t bother talking to him about how I feel these days so he knows nothing that’s on my mind.

My DP is pretty open with his emotions with me and we make a point of being open with each other with it too

It's nothing to do with being male. Some people are emotionally aware, some are not. It's up to you to decide whether you can be in a relationship with someone who isn't emotionally aware.

It'd be a dealbreaker for me as I want a partner who understands that I have feelings, emotions and reactions. I'd also want them to be the same. I don't want to be with an unfeeling robot. I don't mean that I expect tears and dramatics, I mean empathy, support and understanding. Anyone who poo-poos my feelings would be shown the door.

My DH is brilliant at non-directive listening with other people. I think he sees protecting me from unpleasant feelings as a marital responsibility, so he'll listen to me and try to offer solutions or insights or ask me what I want him to do about it. If I then say, "OK, help me with that," I can rely on him.

Neither of my parents has ever been an empathetic listener (Mum was a great person to have around if you needed to get stuff done when she was able, but unable to comprehend other people having genuine emotions) and being able to trust DH not to say, "You must have done something to deserve that," is a big step up for me.

DP and I are very similar when it comes to talking about our feelings. We don't do it much - I can't be doing with the type of people who want to over-analyse every little banal emotion they have on a daily basis - and we're both slightly awkward when it comes to providing emotional comfort. However if there's something serious or deep going on that one of us is struggling with, no question the other would listen, understand and talk it through.

DH looks like a rabbit caught in headlamps if I try to discuss anything emotional. He is autistic which doesn't help. I did once try to explain what sort of support I needed when I was feeling very upset about something. Next time I was upset he put his head round the door and quoted exactly what I had said to him, word for word. It was so sweet that he was making an effort that clearly wasn't instinctive but very well-meaning.

I have friends to discuss emotions with, and my DBro who is very emotionally literate, and my DSis who is very wise and never responds as I expect but always has an interesting take on things.

I don't think a partner needs to fulfil our every need. We have friends and family for that. It would be great if he did, but it's not the most natural thing for many men to discuss feelings - theirs or ours.

The people like your DSis are actually worth their weight in gold.

She really is. What a lovely thing to say.

There’s nothing more precious than wise advice. I expected MN to be like that … and it is … occasionally 🤨

My DH is by far the more emotionally aware and emotionally literate one in our relationship. He had therapy in his early twenties and has learnt to understand and manage his feelings.

On the other hand I'm autistic and struggle to name half my feelings, let alone manage or understand them. He has spent the 20 years of our relationship helping me to understand and talk about how I feel and I am much better for it.

Yes I can talk to my oh about anything. I'd not be interested in a relationship with anyone I couldn't do that with.
I definitely wouldn't be interested in raising children with them!

Both raised in abusive toxic families so did the work in therapy to break these cycles.

Men are fully capable of this. Its an absolute choice to not engage/evolve. It's just another weaponized incompetence.

My partner will call others out at work for this among many things. I find it really interesting that men then treat him with suspicion wont have "banter" around him. Whilst viewing him like a woman/othered "nagging"/not understanding.

Same here in my relationship - I like how you've put it that he sees protecting you from unpleasant feelings as a marital duty! Sorry you don't get this in your relationship OP. Sometimes men like yours have to be told very explicitly exactly how they should and shouldn't respond when feelings are being shared

I’ve long since thought my partner is autistic. He literally is a rabbit in headlights when emotions are mentioned. I’m pretty sure his mum is also. But unlike others he doesn’t really know so he just thinks emotions are a bit if nonsense. His parents preach this also, especially the dad.

I have no desire to spend hours talking about feelings, so we are both as much as we need to be

I know years ago people did not talk much at all about them but going the total opposite I don't think is healthy either

Mine used to be like this and it was an absolute nightmare, he would/could not articulate his feelings and any serious discussion would be met with me talking and him saying “I don’t know”. This led us to the edge of divorce about 4 months ago because so so many unresolved emotions on his side. He’s since been in therapy every week for three months and has done a lot of work on open communication. I’ve also done my own work on myself so that I approach things in a better way. So far so good as we are happier than we’ve ever been but it’s taken a lot of tears and hard work on both sides. He’s so much happier now that we can have open conversations about feelings without it turning to an argument.

I have to say I agree with this.

Feelings and emotions are discussed by both of us as appropriate but it rarely happens. I don't think I'd be particularly interested if someone wanted to talk endlessly about how they feel. We are each responsible for managing and processing our own emotions.

My partner isn't too open with his emotions (but he's more of a happy go lucky type) I have depressed, childhood trauma etc, so I talk to him about how I'm feeling but I don't tell him everything. He doesn't completely understand but he sympathises. I have a therapist for the heavy stuff.

Kindly OP, you can't get every single need met by your partner. That's what your girlfriends are for.

And there's always therapy.

yes I agree and I’m learning that. But sometimes I do feel a bit sad about something and it would be nice to say hey “John” I’m finding this hard today and he not close up like a clam, or more often then not say an example of how his day is harder or shrug it off.

Yes, I can talk to my partner about anything. He is good communicator and talks about his feelings too. I couldn't be with a man who wasn't like that. Our kids are equally likely to approach either of us if they're struggling with something.

Hmm, DP has very little empathy, and compassion neither is he agreeable nor is he neurotic or withdrawn according to a personality test.
He's painfully straightforward and sees emotions as a barrier to getting things done.

That’s exactly what mine has said, they get in the way and they cause trouble…..especially women so he thinks. He says at work they always causing trouble to his staff! (Women and emotions that is).

Yes as I'm only attracted to emotional deep men, they end up being more in touch with their feelings than me.