Phone screensaver

[Softskinrocks]

I realise it might sound trivial but past relationships may have skewed my view of normal.

Boyfriend of 1.5 years still has a photo of his ex wife and kids as his phone screensaver. In a conversations about healthy boundaries we had a couple of months ago, I said thought it was a bit inappropriate and made me feel weird. He still has it. Just wondering if I’m being dramatic!

You’re not being dramatic. Kids is normal, ex-wife is not.

Hmm are you 100% certain she's his ex?

That is not normal!

Thank you! That’s exactly what I thought!! I wouldn’t have my ex on mine, especially if he said it made him uncomfortable.

Definitely nothing going on there other than co dependency and very blurred boundaries that I think are going to spell the end of us, unfortunately.

No, you're not being dramatic.

Although it's reasonable for someone to hold onto old photos, it comes across like he has not accepted his current circumstances and relationship with you as permanent. He's harking back sentimentally to a time when they were together as a family unit.

Do you have kids OP? It's not a popular opinion, but I think men with kids prioritise their life like this -

1. Kids
2. Themselves
3. Mother of kids
4. You

People might wonder why on earth a man would put the mother of his kids before his current partner.

It's because she will always be the mother of his children, but you may not be his partner forever. She is the most important figure in his children's lives except for him, and by proxy, that makes her very important in his life, even if he dislikes her.

Is it a particularly meaningful photo of the kids that the ex just happens to be in? Otherwise no, you're not being unreasonable to be a bit weirded out by it.

Nope, it’s a lovely photo but just a holiday snap.

i think that’s exactly what’s happening; he says she doesn’t talk to anyone else when she’s down and he wants her to be happy for the children’s sake. Yes, I have two children and have worked hard on our happiness. I definitely feel below her in terms of priorities. I expect to be below his children, as he is below mine. But not below exes.

I wouldn't like it.
My friend's daughter married last year and just had a baby. Her husband has a couple of pictures of himself with a previous attachment on his Facebook page, and I think that's peculiar. Of course, I wouldn't say anything, but I don't know why people do that.

Why are you so certain there arent still seeing each other?

I wouldn't like it but in the absence of other concerns I would probably let it go as just a picture of his kids which his ex happens to be in

You’re the third person in this relationship. Leave them to sort out their mess.

I disagree with a pp. It isn't IME 'normal' to prioritise the mother / father of your children above your current partner after you split.

It isn't something I've experienced (both as an ex wife and as OH of someone with an ex wife) - in both cases the ex became simply that. You have to still have some interactions while the children are young, and hopefully those interactions can be civil and even friendly, but as a person they are no longer a priority.

It's great to get along with an ex, especially while the children are young and you still have to interact. But to have them as a screensaver... that starts to look like there's still a relationship, or they haven't given up on the idea.

There are other concerns, unfortunately. This just seems like the icing on the cake. I’ve told him everything I feel and that they will obviously choose to carry on as they see fit for the children but if it’s going to be like this, I want no part of it.

I can’t see it changing as being under her thumb has been the pattern of their marriage. It should be easy to walk away but I’ve never met anyone as kind as him.

Thank you for your replies.

His relationship with his ex is probably due, at least in part, to his kindness. It wouldn’t be in his nature to relegate her to the past.

Although you’ll appreciate his availability to you and your child after the split.

It sounds like you might need to save yourself future heartache and bow out of this one.

It's one thing having a positive co-parenting relationship but co-dependency and blurred boundaries are another thing entirely.

I would find that difficult too.

I'd find that difficult. Having a photo of the kids would obviously 100% be ok but I wouldn't like a photo with the ex in, popping up everything he picked up his phone.
It sounds as if there are other issues already too

Tbh, with a photo of his ex as his screensaver, I wouldn't have got past the first date.

But she will be, because she's not just any random ex - she's the mother of his children.

I also feel emotionally obligated to my ex in the same way. It's not great, but I would never have his photo on my device front screen like that, even though I'm single and it wouldn't bother anybody. I'm still fond of him, worry about him at times, and it would be nice to see him happy...but I left him for a reason!

I want my ex to be happy. We’re still friends and work together to make sure the kids are looked after. But his ego and feelings don’t come before my boyfriend’s. And the same for me in his life. I know we’re all different though and this seems like it’s not for me.

Thanks again.

@EarthSight
You're determined to say that an ex if a mother is to be a priority over any future wife/partner, I doubt many second marriages would survive with that. My DP has no respect/thought for his ex due to her horrendous behaviour, he communicates directly with his teenagers. Not every mother is a kind lovely person.

I think most single mums will disagree that their ex prioritizes them over his new girlfriend 😂

Did he leave her?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Ha - maybe so!