Love my partner but want to walk away due to daughter’s BPD behaviours

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I’ve been with my DP (60) for three years; I’m 49 with two DS (17 and 15). He has a DS (22) and a DD (19) who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder three years ago. I love my DP very much and we don’t live together but planned to in the next couple of years.

My partner’s DD has recently moved into his place and often says she does not want me to stay there, though before she moved in we had a regular arrangement where I’d stay there. To keep her feeling comfortable, he asks me not to come over on those nights.

I grew up with a relative with a personality disorder so I know how it is; and I have compassion for her. However, I feel like she will always compete and he will always agree to her wishes rather than insist that I can be there. I think our plans will come to nothing if we submit to her wishes. I love him very much but I feel like walking away for good. Any advice?

My sd we suspect has bpd. I've stuck around and not let it affect my marriage ( it has of course in ways but not enough to walk away) her mum on the other hand can't even date. Sd is just dreadful the minute she suspects there's a hint of a date.
No advice but it's tough. Sd is currently estranged from us so it's calm here for now but I know mum is going through it. She's the same age as your sd too

Thanks @socks1107 Does your SD live with her mum? I wish I could step in with stronger boundaries but it’s not my place to do that as I’m just her dad’s girlfriend. It’s breaking my heart that our relationship is essentially on hold whenever she chooses. I don’t want to walk away but I just can’t face being drawn into their drama 😔

Surely she won't be there forever.

Can he come and stay at yours?

I think this is where the slow fade comes in. Don't go round much, don't go at the convenience of her not being there. Become busy, especially if it's short notice.
Or, could he not come to you, she can be left at home ? Your DC's are likely to be living with you a few years yet. It's up to you if you don't want to wait it out.

Yeah no thanks to that. I wouldn't be happy having another adult dictating my relationship whatever the reasons/excuses. Too old for that nonsense! If he can't get a back bone for you then I would walk away. Sorry op sounds so upsetting for you.

Friends fiancée has a daughter like this who's 40 things don't get any better I'm afraid. They still live apart because the daughter rocks up with the grandchildren whenever she gets a boyfriend and dumps them there to go on holidays, long weekends. She's always broke so her mother gives her money, feeds the children. It's a mess.

I’d end it. In 10 years he’ll be an old man and you’ll end up being his carer having missed out on the chance to have some fun together.

Is her medical condition being managed by professionals? Is she committed to treatment? Is she able to attend school/work? Is there a plan for her to eventually live independently?

You don't have to give out this information, but these are the kinds of questions I'd be asking before I decided.

I'd end it too. He is a lot older than you and that is going to be a real issue. He will be a pensioner soon and you may end up as a carer. Throw in a daughter with borderline personality disorder who doesn't want you there- run fast!

I can understand why he wants to keep his daughter happy.

However he can't let an adult daughter manipulate other adults to get what she wants just because she wants it!

A) Is she medicated? It makes a BIG difference (I dated a bipolar guy who came off neds a lot as he felt ok. He was NOT ok, he ruined my life)

B) Has she been through a lot recently and needs a period of stability just now only? (Perhaps she's just started meds which will take three weeks to kick in etc)?

C) What are his thoughts for the future?

Parents should put their kids needs first. But for how long?! Will he say she's always got a place here ie you will never ever be allowed to stay if her ladyship says no!? That's not fair on you both.

Or is this just a stepping stone with a view to a gradual introduction to you, perhaps in neutral venues like a cake shop or coffee shack in the park etc? And then she gets used to seeing you during the day at her dads, and then she sees you staying over...

So much you need to find out about before making any decisions.