Frequent contact with ex

[Chazicle]

Hello I’m hoping I can get some points of view because I feel as though I’m on the brink of insanity! Please no judgement, I’m fragile!

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We both have a child each from previous relationships and a baby together. Since we got together we have had arguments about his relationship with his ex. He is a great dad and finds it hard accepting that divorce means you sadly aren’t with your child everyday.

He gets sent an update every night on his daughter, he has 3 video calls a week and has her every other weekend. He also has her for numerous weeks during school holidays. His ex appears to have a sense of entitlement and doesn’t acknowledge me or our baby exist. She still lives in the house as it’s on the market but my partner has paid the mortgage for over 2 years and wasn’t very forceful with legal proceedings.

i have recently questioned why the daily contact is necessary, I have always found it too much and vocalised this but he told me it would stop once divorce was done, once the house sold etc. it hasn’t and we’ll be sat in the evening and he will say oh she went here today, then look up wherever the place is and speculate. We also have to send updates on our weekends (with pictures!) and I feel it’s all because they want to control each other. Recently he sent a picture where I was actually with his daughter and cut me out of it!

they were sending kisses on the end of texts when we got together and I said no it needs to be civil or I’m off. He lied twice that he had stopped but he hadn’t. This has now stopped but he just does whatever he can to keep her happy.

He states there’s nothing in it and it’s all because of his daughter but I feel so insecure and like my life is now about keeping her sweet, regardless of my feelings or happiness.

He is very confrontational with me, never with her. Says it isn’t in his nature, only with me apparently.

We recently asked to take his daughter on holiday and that caused world war 3, basically because we can afford to go away and his ex can’t. She said she will allow it on this occasion. He said he would give dates in advance for next year to avoid this happening again and she said no they will sit down and go through his annual leave like they have done the past 2 years. He didn’t correct her or mention that actually the only person he needs to sort leave with is me, just in brushed past it nicely nicely again! I don’t feel there are boundaries at all, my partner was participating in an event and asked to have his daughter for the day, his ex said she could bring her so she can watch too! Just another example, I could list hundreds.

I’m at my wits end and quite frankly starting to feel like I wish I had walked when I realised this would never change and now we have a baby. All I want is a civil relationship with both exes and healthy boundaries! Help please!

You think he shouldn't be in contact with his daughter every day?

So he gets updates about his daughter every day, and talks in advance about annual leave to cover hols?

If I'm honest, I can't see why it's such a big problem?

But he ought to have daily contact with his DD. That's a good thing.

If (when) you split up, be glad that he'll want to be involved with your own baby, too.

It’s not with his daughter, it’s with her mum. He and his ex also message on whoever’s weekend it is to say she’s awake. I have spoken to a few people about it to see what their view is to see if it’s a me issue and they all think it’s excessive contact which is why I’m conflicted and asking for others thoughts

I'm in the process of separating and tbh I'd be really grateful of the updates when I wasn't with DC and wish we could plan ahead!
I very rarely contact on his days but DC is 4 so no phone of their own for a long while yet.

I would feel a bit fed up tbh, especially being cut out of a photo! It's unfortunate that when people separate the dynamics change and that level of contact does seem more than usual. It's nice that he wants contact but the extra stuff around it seems a bit much. It is fair that he negotiates holidays but that should also include you. I'm assuming she she does not have a new partner

Messaging to say she's awake seems bizarre!

YABU he sounds like he's trying hard with his ex to put the child first and remaining civil and friendly with the ex is no bad thing for the child.

That said if you are unhappy about this then make it known to him but don't put him in the position of having to choose. He and his child come as a package.

Living this myself... Although when I pointed out about the kisses on messages he stopped immediately although she still does it occasionally. Contact every day, and she does good morning and good night messages. She has a bf.

He was the one that left and I know how he feels about her - and it's set good boundaries where the contact is about the kids and her as a mother.

I feel your annoyance with it, but he's trying to be a good day and some of that is about keeping the peace with the ex

How much effort is he putting in with your shared child?

No need for....

• ex to text every day or to text that their daughter is up. That is ridiculous

• send or receive kisses on text messages

• discussing anything other than plans for contact or if his child has won an ward that day on school etc

• the ex and your partner to be going through his annual leave WITHOUT discussing it with you first. You are a family now and your child matters too. Need to make sure your household is covered for childcare and is just as equally important for your stepchild

Things that should be accepted...

-if it's FaceTiming daily then the ex should just give his daughter her phone and they chat and the ex doesn't need to be involved at all

• cropping you out of pictures. This is a good thing. If he sends photos to his ex with you in it's only going to piss his ex off and cause more drama

A couple of things struck me. One is that the house isn't actually sold so things aren't all done and dusted. I was surprised at the idea that they were selling the house - where is his ex and daughter going to live when it's sold? The other is that you describe your partner as confrontational with you. Was he confrontational with his ex when they were together, so it's a relationship pattern for him, or is it genuinely just you? Either way it's a red flag, something to discuss and sort if at all possible.

It sounds like he has a good relationship with his ex which he should do as it's in his child's best interest. It sounds like you both have rushed in to having a baby when he clearly wasn't fully detached from his last family set up. I understand your frustration and anger but you are partly to blame for getting in to a relationship with someone who had no business creating a second family when things weren't settled with his first / previous family. I do think the kisses and constant contact that aren't related to his child are taking the piss but if he didn't want it he would have put a stop to it by now.

I had a really decent coparenting relationship with my child’s father. There were no feelings on either side, but our daughter had a really happy life because we had a good working schedule, he also had her every other weekend, and I’d update him whenever he wanted. He was helpful with things like heavy lifting furniture in and out of my house on rare occasions and paying maintenance. She saw two parents who have individual lives but get on with each other.

Then he met the green eyed monster.

she made it her life’s obsession to monitor every interaction despite any interaction we ever had being child related. She decided he paid too much maintenance- I think a little delusional about the cost of raising children, as it was an average amount. She got very angry when he took a microwave to the dump for me on the way back from dropping off our daughter. She said bitchy things about his closeness with his daughter, and she insisted he cut down his time with her (he had her to stay every other weekend and picked her up from school to take her for food and then drop her home twice per week. I only knew she was causing grief because he started being nasty, speaking to me like dirt and making constant references to “being caught in the middle”. For me there was no drama, I was doing the bulk of the parenting, and if he didn’t want to get on with me, contribute Wel financially and emotionally, it would affect his relationship with his daughter, not my relationship with my daughter. My daughter was really young and didn’t have the awareness of this, although his tone with me etc may have come across, I don’t know. Either way this woman was tying herself in knots over nothing, I was happy he’d met someone, just deep down wish he’d met someone who wanted to love my daughter and encourage him in his responsibilities. It was like to her, any pleasant behaviours from him were a threat to her, it was insane. They broke up because of her obsessive behaviours and thankfully he met the most adorably kind and loving beautiful woman who encourages him to be the best man, and loves my daughter.

Hi all
Thank you for your replies, it’s good to get some perspective. Just to clarify I have never and would never expect him to cut contact with his daughter, I simply wanted some boundaries in place with her mum. She doesn’t have a partner and comes across as quite bitter about it all, which is fine everyone deals with it differently.

He is good with our child but works long hours so most of it falls to me, which I accept.

I guess I’ve come to the realisation that I never wanted any of this to be an issue, after all his ex isn’t going anywhere and we all just have the same goal of doing best by the children. The issue has come from the situation being handled badly previously, me being lied to, him keeping things very separate, doing anything to keep her happy that it’s now formed an Insecurity that should never have been there and made me like “the other woman”. I don’t really know how I get over that

I know it’s tough for you OP, you are adjusting to all of this, and you have a little one. I would honestly suggest that you accept them both as family, and be kind and caring, why should all the communication be between him and her, you don’t have to feel on the sidelines with that. You are his partner, they just share a child. Have you considered maybe asking that she only contacts via a WhatsApp group that you can all be a part of? I personally wouldn’t have a problem with that if my ex asked, I like his girlfriend a lot and would want to do anything that made her feel secure, thankfully this one already does and makes everything pleasant for our child. Yes the children do come first 100%, and as coparents etc we have to just navigate things as best we can

If you need to police his text messages your relationship is over.

Not neccessarily, they just have to work things out in a way that protects the primary relationship, and is best for the children as there are many more years of parenting ahead to navigate

His primary relationship is with his ex. OP was never happy playing second fiddle and compounded the situation by deciding to have a baby. This relationship isn’t going to make her happy. She wasn’t happy to start with.

The primary relationship is with the OP- his partner. He only has a coparenting relationship with his ex, and it really helps keep things healthy for the kids if thats a kind and civil one. It’s normal to have some worries in most relationships, they just need to work this out together. OP you can’t stop her putting kisses on texts, some women do that with everyone anyway. I would never put kisses on texts to my ex, but everyone is different and at least he’s not reciprocating. Just talk it out, but it needs figuring out for the future or resentment will build. He will start to hate your interference. Better to be friends with her than enemies honestly

His primary relationship should be with the OP but it isn't and apparently never has been. What I can’t understand is why OP came into this family dynamic, was unhappy with it and doubled down by having a baby rather than walking away.

He is s as he always has been and isn’t going to change. Any woman who thinks she can change a man is a fool.

@Changingeveryday thank you, that made me feel a bit better. I do think I need to be kinder. I don’t really want to have a joint WhatsApp because ultimately I need to trust him to manage it well. I dont feel the need to be friends as such but I have said I’m happy to help when daughter needs collecting etc and have that relationship with his ex but he thinks she’s still too bitter so maybe we just aren’t there yet.

@StormingNorman Not necessary. I didn’t “double down” by having his baby. It was in fact him that wanted a baby and I was the one that said it might be better to wait until things had settled more. Divorce and coparenting is not a linear process, you go through stages and eventually find a way of coparenting.

Sadly for the OP, I agree with this.

Establishing a mutually trusting and respectdul relationship would have been easier without the added complications of bringing a new child into an already delicate situation.

We're not really allowed to state the obvious on here by suggesting you (both) jumped the gun by having a baby together. You've only been together for 2 years, you both have a child from a previous relationship and you weren't happy with his setup/relationship with his ex from the start.

His ex is trying very hard to make sure her child isn't forgotten about and doesn't suffer from the rash decisions of her ex. She's doing well by her child. You are feeling pushed out because your partner hasn't put any boundaries in place and feel, understandably, vulnerable because it seems no one actually established what the rules of play were before you started the game.

When there are blended families and new babies in such a short relationship, it doesn't really give anyone time to get to know each other or build trust or adjust to the new normal or establish routines before you're all stuck with each other to a degree.

He hasn't handled it well by lying and choosing which of you to prioritise, you didn't protect your own interests by making sure you were happy before agreeing to tie yourself to him with a child. She has succeeded in ensuring her child is a priority in his life.

I understand that it isn't the contact with his child you have an issue with but her but unfortunately the two go hand in hand.

I'll be honest, I've been with my partner for 3 years. He has been divorced for 12, as have I. We have 4 children between us - 3 adults and one teen who will be leaving for university in a few weeks. We didn't even start to consider moving in together until we'd been together for 2 years.

There were also some issues with his ex that needed addressing because, despite being divorced for 12 years, she has had a habit of making a nuisance of herself whenever he has started a relationship with someome else. There was absolutely no way I'd have considered moving in together until that had been addressed and boundaries put in place. If he hadn't done so, I'd have reconsidered the relationship.

You've got to try and do that now, but it's much harder when there is less risk to him of you leaving.

Divorce and coparenting is not a linear process, you go through stages and eventually find a way of coparenting.

This is true but it's a whole lot easier for everyone if you take your time and make sure it's what you really want.

You have agency in your own life. Don't give it up to a man ever.

You have to let him manage his ex family, stay out of it. If he breaches your trust, you know what to do.